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Original poster

So lonely thinking of getting back with my ex

29 replies

OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 11:12

Ive been split up with my ex for a few years now but I’m considering getting back with him (think he would) as I am so lonely! I don’t want to be with him but can’t stand the loneliness anymore. It’s the Easter holidays and I will speak to no one apart from my children. I haven’t even been out anywhere with them as I dread going to places alone (everywhere I go is full of families) I won’t speak to any one all Easter holidays as my family are toxic and I have no relationship with them and I don’t have any friends (please don’t suggest making any I am autistic and I have never been able to make friends I am a complete outcast at the school gates making friends is not an option I am too socially awkward and I’ve never fit in anywhere) I can’t date as my ex doesn’t ever have our children overnight so meeting someone else just isn’t possible, I can’t afford babysitters etc I just feel stuck and think maybe it’s best to get back with my ex because I can’t stand the isolation anymore and at least I wouldn’t be alone. Maybe just until my kids grow up and I can meet someone else. Please don’t think I am just desperate to meet someone I have been alone for many many years I don’t know anyone my age who has been alone for this long. Can it work? Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
GracePooleslaugh · 04/04/2023 11:14

Probably would depend on why you split up and whether anything has changed since then.

Why doesn't he take the kids overnight? Could he?

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 11:16

No it’s not possible and he is not able to. We split because of his MH he broke up with me

OP posts:
Londontoderby · 04/04/2023 11:20

I don’t think it’s the right solution to your problem. Your best bet is trying to find a way to start friendships and maintain them, there are lots of people who are socially awkward, this is a problem that can be managed and “learned”. Practising being more sociable will serve you better in the end rather than getting back with an ex.

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 11:26

Friendships are not going to happen I’ve never had friends not even in school. I was told I would make loads of friends when DC started school but that’s never happened either. The parents aren’t very welcoming and my DC never get invited to anything for example dd is year 1 but has never been invited to a party (not even in reception) been told that’s very odd. There is nowhere else to make friends I can’t join groups as I get no time off and I don’t want to make friends online apps my kids are too old for parenting apps that’s are mainly for new mums.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 04/04/2023 11:31

Seriously? Other people aren't emotional support objects. They have lives and desires of their own. Your ex might want to get back with you but probably not if you told him it was just because you were lonely and he's better than nothing.

Learn the skill of making friends, that is all it is - a skill. Practise with people at the school gates, approach people, listen, ask questions, be curious

HowRatherGolly · 04/04/2023 11:31

I feel for you OP as l am in a similar position. I dont have many friends, my sister is busy with her own family and l suffer with neurological disability. People find it hard to get me due to this and its isolating as well.

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 11:33

HowRatherGolly · 04/04/2023 11:31

I feel for you OP as l am in a similar position. I dont have many friends, my sister is busy with her own family and l suffer with neurological disability. People find it hard to get me due to this and its isolating as well.

Thank you it helps to know that it’s not just me.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 04/04/2023 11:38

Look - in the way you describe your life - your ex is the only person you managed to make some sort of connection with.

Everybody else around you - you can’t connect for some reason or the other.
Even if you had time - not sure how you’d manage to date anyone if you have ever been able to make friends, even superficially at the school gates.

So - realistically - either you work on figuring out how to connect to people - which by the sound of it you are not likely to want to do. Or - you are back to the only human connection you have made.
Your Ex.

I am guessing he is in a similar social situation as you - and also struggles with relationships. But you did make it work for at least some time.

So - maybe try again?

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 11:41

Oh no not at all 😔 my ex is the total opposite and has loads of friends, he always found it weird that I don’t have any and use to make fun of me. He always asks me even now if I’ve managed to make any friends down at the kids school knowing that I haven’t!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 04/04/2023 11:54

Well - in that case - can you maybe apply whatever skills in connecting to people that made it possible for you to form a relationship with him - and use those skills with other people?

Also - you may be passing your social awkwardness to your kids - and that would be sad. They are young and they can still learn how to connect. Have your tried therapy for you, and maybe for you and the kids together?

I get it that it’s not easy. But it is a skill - as people mentioned - and with effort, you can get better at it

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 11:56

My kids are autistic too so I’ve already “passed that on”

OP posts:
GracePooleslaugh · 04/04/2023 12:31

Sorry, I missed that you are autistic in your op.

Is there any kind of get together in your area for fellow ND people and/or ND kids? It might help to be around people who understand?

I don't know what you should do regarding your ex. Think back to when you split up. You said it was because of his MH, would you have stayed with him if he hadn't split from you? Did you find it difficult to cope with his MH issues? Would anything be different now? What caused his MH issues? Is he doing better now? Is he even open to the idea?

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 13:16

Honestly no i.wouldn't want to be with him if it wasn't for the children but I'm not able to meet anyone else my youngest is 5 and I've been on my own for 5 years. I will have to wait till she's grown up before I can meet anyone else and well that's a very long way off! But no i wouldn't have ended things with him I tried to support him through his mental illness he has schizophrenia but he is taking medication for it. He broke up with me during pregnancy and use to accuse me of all sorts of things but it was a long time ago. I think he would be open to it he has tried to get back with me before more than once.

OP posts:
GracePooleslaugh · 04/04/2023 14:52

Does he stay on his meds? Has he been stable and well for an extended period?

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 04/04/2023 15:42

Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 16:04

He has to have injections he told me. He has been fine for the last 5 years.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/04/2023 16:10

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 04/04/2023 15:42

Don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty

Honestly this ^^

You haven't changed he hasn't changed the only thing this will achieve is hurting your child when it blows up again

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 16:13

Can it work?

My dear, of course it's not going to work.
I don’t want to be with him but can’t stand the loneliness anymore.

You don't want to be with him!
That's a terrible basis for any relationship, & it would be utterly unfair to both of you.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 16:16

OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 13:16

Honestly no i.wouldn't want to be with him if it wasn't for the children but I'm not able to meet anyone else my youngest is 5 and I've been on my own for 5 years. I will have to wait till she's grown up before I can meet anyone else and well that's a very long way off! But no i wouldn't have ended things with him I tried to support him through his mental illness he has schizophrenia but he is taking medication for it. He broke up with me during pregnancy and use to accuse me of all sorts of things but it was a long time ago. I think he would be open to it he has tried to get back with me before more than once.

Forget this madness OP.

He's horrible to you - he taunts you about whether you've made new friends, knowing damn well you haven't. he also left you - up the duff, no less - & made up vile accusations. Him maybe agreeing to date you again is NOT a good reason to get back with the twerp!

Second PP's suggestion of joining ND support groups.
If you don't know where to start with that, ask your GP to signpost you.

Also - millions of single parents date. There is no need to write yourself off as a dating prospect until DD is grown up.

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 16:30

I can’t date I’m with my kids 24/7 other parents are not.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 04/04/2023 17:04

But taking back your ex is like going on a bad date with someone who isn't very pleasant and possibly very unstable that you dont want to be with and then moving them in. What does it achieve?

The most obvious solution to loneliness is to make friends, if you don't like doing it in person initially...bumble for friends? Use meetup and find a hobby or a meet for ND people.

Sittwritt · 04/04/2023 17:05

I truly feel for you and it’s a choice between loneliness and between possible entrapment. At the minute entrapment seems enticing. Once you are in it loneliness might seem exciting. It’s very tough but although he seems the only option I am not sure that’s true. Perhaps give yourself time. Meet other ND people and do stuff, they don’t have to be friends, just acquaintances you meet will do for now.

Mabelface · 04/04/2023 17:37

Look to see if there are any nd parents groups online. You may find and activities or meet ups in that way with people who get it. Forget the ones advising you to learn social skills, masking is bloody exhausting!

Online friendships can also be your friend here. Friendships without the hassle of expectations.

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 04/04/2023 19:44

I'm on a group on Facebook for children with autism but tb h it's not the type of group that meet up and I don't relate to most of them as they mainly have young children / toddlers. I will see if there are other groups.

I don't know what I'm thinking i don't even find him attractive anymore but I suppose it's not all about looks

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/04/2023 21:45

but I suppose it's not all about looks

What is it about, for you? What is having a relationship about? Does it seem right to you to have a relationship just to stop yourself from dealing with being alone?

That's your solution: learn how to be ok without him.