I want to separate but don't know how (suicidal husband)

[MumFeelingHopeless]

NC for this one.

I'm married, work full time and have a young son. My relationship has been going off track for a long time and negatively affecting my DS and me. I don't want to go into all the gory details, but there has been no physical abuse: more like death by 1000 paper cuts. Me and my husband haven't talked for years, he has mental health issues and refuses to get help or counselling. I get blamed for everything, torn down and manipulated. He goes into deep mood swings which last weeks, and he is very passive aggressive in taking it out on me and DS, who has started to notice and it affects him at school and at home. It is generally a toxic environment for everyone, walking on egg shells and trying to stay out of Daddy's way. Like I said, it has been like this for years.

We have a mortgage and substantial savings, but CHB is in DH's name. DH was supposed to be the primary carer, but I end up doing all the caring due to his mental health - in reality he just watches tv all day in his own room with headphones on. DS doesn't like being alone with DH, and DH doesn't cope even to look after him for a couple of hours. I often have to take time off at work, or work late into the night to make up for caring during the day (luckily my employer is flexible).

I want DH to move out the house, but he won't and instead threatens to commit suicide whenever we try to discuss it. What do I need to do? Renting my own place with my child feels tough, and I don't know what the implications would be for the family home. I'm going to speak to a solicitor but want advice from you lovely ladies about how to get my ducks in a row, what do I need to do? I don't really have family or friends that can help. I just need advice and feel lost. I finally feel like I have the strength to leave but feel trapped by the practicalities.

If it matters, I live in the south east and I'm in my early 40s. I'm an only child, so have no siblings and my parents are ex-pats abroad .

A manipulative tactic on your husbands side. If you don't do this I will kill myself, mean while treat you and your son like shit.

Get the child benefit changed into your name, gather all bank statements, information on savings, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate and mortgage information etc and put in a safe place or with a friend.

See a solicitor about the next steps

Be firm, tell him your not happy and won't allow him to manipulate you anymore.

Stand firm

Tell him it's his choice to kill himself and leave him. Don't be blackmailed.

Is your DH working? Or is he a SAHP?

Either way, stand firm, a court will order the sale of the house no doubt, so at that point he will have to move, as will you.

Does he have family nearby? If so, once you tell him it's over, then warn them that in the past he's threatened suicide, so they can watch out for him.

Start divorce proceedings. See a solicitor. Get the child benefit in your name - you're doing the caring here. Find a rental. Make sure you have all the financial info as you will have the right to a share of the equity in the house. Once you're out, if he calls you and threatens suicide, call the police to get a welfare check done but nothing else.

He's refusing to seek help and is using his mental health as a stick to beat you with. You should have the rage about this. Find your anger and use it as a fire to fuel your escape.

What is CHB? Is it child benefit? Are you worried that DH might try to claim that he is the main carer for DC and thus claim that dc should stay with him in the house?
If that's the case, you need to start unentangling it as it's very clear that he is not in fact the main carer now, even if he was at one time. You need to get evidence that you do at least 50:50. even if that is just in the form of your own notes/texts etc.
You need proper legal advice, and I think that issuing a divorce petition would show that you are serious about ending the marriage.

Thank you for the lovely words of encouragement and advice.
@RoseThornside, DH works around 25 hours per week.

Suicide threatening is a well-documented form of abuse. It falls within the controlling behaviour category.

You do not have to live like this any more.

Pack your things, take your son, and leave.

Everything else will follow on from there. Report his suicide threats to the police. See a solicitor and commence divorce proceedings. Set some money aside if you can. (Move your share of the savings to a separate account for example, and take documentary evidence of all the assets.)

Ending a marriage is a one-step-at-a-time process.

Your first priority is to remove yourself and your son from this awful situation.

@DelphiniumBlue yes that's right. Sorry CHB is child benefit. I'm worried DH might say he is the primary carer and try to keep DS with him in the family home. But DH and DS don't cope well together alone.

Threatening suicide is the oldest trick in the book. My ex threatened the same but I left anyway. Guess what - nearly 20 years later he's still alive and kicking.

Don't be emotionally manipulated. That serves no one. Just start divorce proceedings and tell your ex that you hope he doesn't commit suicide but if he does that is his choice.

Stay strong.

Sound like an awful situation. Saying he will commit suicide is a way to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you. I would see a solicitor and get their advice, just make a start, you can then take one step at a time from there and it will be less overwhelming because you will know what is and isn't possible legally.

How old is DS? Is he old enough that his views on who he wants to live with would be taken into account?

Definitely speak to a solicitor, but your objective is to get yourself and your child out of this toxic environment. Which may mean you moving out and renting for a while. Trying to get him out, or living with him until he agrees to sell, will be a nightmare.

People who threaten suicide just to manipulate people are way too selfish to have to do it.

On any interpretation, anyway, you child's wellbeing comes first.

Okay, so 25 hours a week, while not full-time, is enough for him not to necessarily be the 'main carer'.

See a solicitor and start documenting stuff so that it's clear you are the main carer.

A man who constantly threatens suicide is not a suitable custodial parent. He doesn't have a cat in hell's chance of being awarded residential parent status.

Please do not let your poor child live in this toxic situation any longer.

Contact your local Women's Aid, they can support you through his abuse. Once you understand the tactics (threat of suicide, not communicating etc) it becomes easier to deal with as you see it for what it is. You are not responsible for whatever action your husband takes.

A good solicitor will help you on the legal side. You don't say how old your son is, but his wishes should be taken into account by the Court.

DS is 5, I worry how he would cope stating his preference in court, or if he is too young. Does anyone have experience going through court with similar aged DC?

How do you arrange when DH is responsible for DS? Eg who takes DS to and from school? Who arranges activities? Who is the school in contact with? Who arranges doctor appointments/playdates? Who prepares DS's meals? Who gets him ready for school/activity?
And think about what happens.. you say that you have to take over caring for DS during the day meaning you then have to flex your work..how is this done? Do you see to DS because DH isn't? Are you saying OK I'll do it? Are you texting DH asking him when he's doing stuff? I think you need to start building up a picture, and getting a trail for it. So if you arrange a doctor appointment, text DH to say you've arranged it. Text him again to say you took him and what was said/prescribed. Text him again to say eg "at pickup today Joe's mum asked me if DC can have a playdate". After the playdate text again to mention something that happened when you picked up/collected. If that isn't your norma method of communication, start it up now, but in a casual way.
Keep records of when you work, when you have to stop work to look after DS, when you put him to bed, what DH is doing while you are doing that.
This might be a long haul thing, but start now.
And get that lawyer appointment.

If you and H separated and he was unhappy with the split of time that you both had with DS, he would make an application to family court.
Depending on exactly what he was saying, a Cafcas officer (basically a social worker) would talk to both you and H and also have an informal and low key chat with DS to get a sense of his experience. At his age, his input would only be given limited weight but it would be considered by cafcas and the court. DS wouldn’t speak to the court directly.

If H claimed to be doing more care than you, this would be explored by the cafcas officer and possibly evidenced by them talking to school, GP, DS activities etc if appropriate.

It might be helpful to be aware of a couple of things. Firstly, if you want the court to take into account the impact on you (and DS) of H’a controlling behaviour, you’ll need to have evidence of it. Texts, a log with the Gp, contact with Womens aid or police.
Also, the court system is slow and currently backlogged, so you need to make sure that whatever initial set up you have at separation is one that you’d be happy with DS being in for the medium term. Don’t for example, leave him with H and expect the court to order him to live with you subsequently.

In my experience, family court hasn’t used child benefit to determine anything. It is usually fairly clear what the division of child care is.

He’s manipulating and controlling you with a threat of suicide. If he ever truly had any intention of doing it, I’ll eat my shoes.

He needs to go. Is his ‘mental health’ being properly managed by a medics professional and drug therapy?

He is being completely VU and manipulative.

Your poor ds. You need to get out ASAP before your ds is even more affected.

Yes, and he might threaten to seek custody of DS, but from what you've said there's no way he'd actually want him to be there, or to look after him. It would be an empty threat.