Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to separate but don't know how (suicidal husband)

49 replies

MumFeelingHopeless · 04/04/2023 10:45

NC for this one.

I'm married, work full time and have a young son. My relationship has been going off track for a long time and negatively affecting my DS and me. I don't want to go into all the gory details, but there has been no physical abuse: more like death by 1000 paper cuts. Me and my husband haven't talked for years, he has mental health issues and refuses to get help or counselling. I get blamed for everything, torn down and manipulated. He goes into deep mood swings which last weeks, and he is very passive aggressive in taking it out on me and DS, who has started to notice and it affects him at school and at home. It is generally a toxic environment for everyone, walking on egg shells and trying to stay out of Daddy's way. Like I said, it has been like this for years.

We have a mortgage and substantial savings, but CHB is in DH's name. DH was supposed to be the primary carer, but I end up doing all the caring due to his mental health - in reality he just watches tv all day in his own room with headphones on. DS doesn't like being alone with DH, and DH doesn't cope even to look after him for a couple of hours. I often have to take time off at work, or work late into the night to make up for caring during the day (luckily my employer is flexible).

I want DH to move out the house, but he won't and instead threatens to commit suicide whenever we try to discuss it. What do I need to do? Renting my own place with my child feels tough, and I don't know what the implications would be for the family home. I'm going to speak to a solicitor but want advice from you lovely ladies about how to get my ducks in a row, what do I need to do? I don't really have family or friends that can help. I just need advice and feel lost. I finally feel like I have the strength to leave but feel trapped by the practicalities.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 04/04/2023 20:57

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 04/04/2023 10:56

A manipulative tactic on your husbands side. If you don't do this I will kill myself, mean while treat you and your son like shit.

Get the child benefit changed into your name, gather all bank statements, information on savings, passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate and mortgage information etc and put in a safe place or with a friend.

See a solicitor about the next steps

Be firm, tell him your not happy and won't allow him to manipulate you anymore.

Stand firm

This.

And take no notice at all of the suicide threats, that is a standard tactic of a manipulative abusive bully.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/04/2023 21:01

making you stay via threatening suicide is mental abuse ,very manipulative

you need help here ,womens aid and experienced solicitor

or more cost effective a divorce coach

Clockto · 04/04/2023 22:16

He will not kill himself if you leave, guaranteed.

AluckyEllie · 04/04/2023 22:28

He will not kill himself. You are not responsible for his life and choices. Talk to a solicitor regarding custody and explain the situation. They may know of the best way to show he is unfit to care for your child alone- keep a diary and track of what he actually does for your son. Keep proof of his poor mental health, keeps texts and videos of him. You can show he is unfit for custody due to poor mental health. It might seem nasty but you are doing this for your son, in his best interests. You need to make sure he has minimal time unsupervised with him.

Sort your bank accounts, open a savings and general account for you alone. Make sure savings are halved and your half is separate. Get the child benefit in your name. Get birth certificate.Start clearing/selling stuff you don’t need. You will probably need to move into rented and force a sale of the house. Be prepared for your husband to quit his job (claiming poor mental health) and not pay child support. Get a new phone so you can turn the one off that he calls you on when you leave- he will probably inundate you with texts/calls/voicemails threatening suicide. Ignore it. Think of your son and the life you can have in a year. You can do this.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/04/2023 22:29

I'd agree with keeping records. See if you can evidence whos taken him to school, parents evenings, doctors and dentists appointments, who organises and takes to extracurricular clubs, haircuts,
sorts out all his admin for school dinners, trips, friends etc.

Speak to a solicitor
See if you can get your house valued in secret
Look at rental prices
Go on benefits calculator to see if you would be entitled to anything
Contact the police if he becomes abusive or threatens suicide

Rubygrapefruitwithchilli · 04/04/2023 23:24

Clockto · 04/04/2023 22:16

He will not kill himself if you leave, guaranteed.

Unfortunately I have personal experience that there are no guarantees about this.

Despite that however, I would still say that that would ultimately be the decision of the op’s dh and his responsibility alone.

Op, as well as legal help I think you need some emotional support too. Could you see a counsellor in a women’s centre or similar?

One thing I thought of when I read your post - would your parents or your mother be willing to come and stay with you for a while - if my daughter was going through something similar I would want to support her through this difficult period of transition.

Original poster
MumFeelingHopeless · 05/04/2023 08:56

Thank you for your advice. This has really helped me think through my next steps. I'm going to get in touch with a women's organisation for support too.

To answer some questions, DH was on antidepressants when we first met, but stopped taking them several years ago and refuses to speak to a GP about his depression.

My Mum might be willing to come beck to the UK temporarily to help, but we have had a fractured relationship in the past, so I worry about letting her in - she has controlling and narcissistic tendencies, so I worry she will be more stress than help.

OP posts:
Xarrie · 05/04/2023 09:17

No advice but that must be really really shit for you. I hope things get better really soon x

Antiquiteas · 05/04/2023 09:20

To answer some questions, DH was on antidepressants when we first met, but stopped taking them several years ago and refuses to speak to a GP about his depression

This is key. He’s quite happy with the set up now. You do it all. And he keeps you doing it by saying he’s depressed and he’ll kill himself if you don’t. His life is not unbearable, or he’d be doing something about it.

You’re not responsible for his life. And like I said, I’ll eat my shoes if he actually had any intention of doing anything. He doesn’t. It’s very effective manipulation.

Take heed of the practical advice regarding documents, policies and child benefit, and then make the move to go.

Don’t waste your life in fear of him (pretending) taking his.

FartSock5000 · 05/04/2023 10:23

@MumFeelingHopeless the next time he threatens suicide, call 101 and report it. Then do that each and every time he says that word.

Start the paper trail so that you can prove a) he is unfit to be primary carer of DC and b) he is using threatening and abusive behaviour over you.

Since he won't move out anytime soon, can you rent locally instead? Then since DC is living with you, you get all the benefits. As part of the divorce proceedings you can force the sale of the family home. He won't have a choice.

And remember, you don't have to tip toe around him anymore. You don't have to make life easy for him. Your DC is the only person who matters.

In the end, if this wanker does kill himself then that is on him and not you. He made his choices and that is not on you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/04/2023 10:33

Don't have your mum back. Don't go to all the effort of separating from your husband and then get yourself in a similar situation with your mother.

PaigeMatthews · 05/04/2023 10:38

Suicide threatening is a well documented form of abuse. It falls within the controlling behaviour category

This.

If he threatens to kill himself phone 999. Why would you not, as that is serious? He doesn't take his prescribed antidepressants and threatens suicide. Take him seriously. Each and every single time.

speak to a solicitor and do not leave the house.

can you have the CB changed to you? I wouldnt want any suggestion anywhere that he was the main carer. Is he doing all the school runs?

NemoandDoris · 05/04/2023 10:43

To answer some questions, DH was on antidepressants when we first met, but stopped taking them several years ago and refuses to speak to a GP about his depression

DH needs to take responsibility for himself . It is not up to you to stop him from suicidal tendencies. Take control of the situation, see a solicitor and make a better life for you and your ds, you both deserve more than this.

strawberry2017 · 05/04/2023 10:46

If he kills himself that's his choice and not on you.
You cannot stay because he threatens it.
It's manipulation and most likely won't happen. It's a control tactic.

Sicario · 05/04/2023 11:03

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/04/2023 10:33

Don't have your mum back. Don't go to all the effort of separating from your husband and then get yourself in a similar situation with your mother.

This.

Don't go from one controlling / difficult relationship to another. You can find the strength to do this on your own. Yes, it's hard. But it's not as hard as living in an abusive relationship.

Zuffe · 05/04/2023 11:10

A whole new world awaits you and your son. You could get run over by a bus tomorrow and your DH could still kill himself or at least threaten to.

Its over now. Get some legal advice and split honourably. That’s all you have to do.

lightand · 05/04/2023 11:13

I would go to the GP yourself about him, in the first instance.

Singleandproud · 05/04/2023 11:16

If he threatens to kill himself you ring 999 and report it. Then you contact his close friends and family and let them know because you are concerned for his MH.

That way he either gets the help and support that he needs, or he is humiliated and called out by those closest to him and won't do it again. He is a grown man he is not your responsibility and nor are his actions.

callmesophia · 05/04/2023 11:19

I just feel really fucking sad for you and your lad. What a terribly toxic situation. I don't have much advice but wanted to send my love. Can't you rope in his family to 'sort him out'; warn them that you're off so they'll know to watch him? Hope you manage to free yourself and be happy x

HappyintheHills · 05/04/2023 11:28

I went through similar 30 ish years ago - child didn’t have to go to court, wasn’t asked for preference. The court relied on reports from court welfare officer. And their interactions with XH…

All went really well. DC came from actual SAHD to working mother, which was exactly what they wanted!

Squamata · 05/04/2023 11:35

See a lawyer. Don't let your son grow up around this. By the sounds of it, your mother being around wouldn't help.

Leaving someone at a time of acute crisis might be shitty (eg just lost their job and have a breakdown) but that's not what's happening here - your husband is trying to glue you into a horrible life by threatening suicide.

Do you have any evidence (texts, medical records etc) to show what DH is like?

Napmum · 05/04/2023 12:07

Speak to a solicitor before even considering moving out. If you move out, it can cause issues getting the house sold as its their primary residence. A good solicitor will be able to go through the options and strategies

Rubygrapefruitwithchilli · 05/04/2023 12:31

Just seen your update op. Definitely forget the suggestion of bringing your mother over in that case. But seek support elsewhere. Women's Aid might be good.

The idea of bringing someone else in to the house was meant to serve two purposes: you would have extra support & he might be forced to behave better. And it would "throw light" on a situation where he is exploiting your good will. Perhaps think about a friend or even a discreet sensible colleague just coming over for an afternoon or evening. Or the mother of one of your son's friends. Build up a small team of friends and supporters . I would be happy to support a female colleague in this situation even if I didn't know them that well. The thought of you going through this alone is really upsetting. Also, if your DH is willing to use suicide as a threat, not to be melodramatic but you wonder what other tactics he might try so be careful op 😼

Fastforward2024 · 22/12/2023 22:32

I am in similar situation. My DM is a drinker. Drinks every eve...in car on driveway, behind shed but denies it then even though visibly affected by it. He rants and rants at me and calls name. Threatens suicide all the time over several yrs to control and blame me, even in front of kids. All about control yet I still worry someday he'll actually do it and what if kids with him. I feel he could do anything to get at me. His mental health is bad but has refused all help over the yrs. He is extremely charming in public and all refer to him as 'a gentleman'. I asked for a separation a yr ago. He refuses to move out. Doesn't pay bills ever and I paid for an extension but he wants half of everything. What I have tried so far is going to a solicitor who recommended Family Mediation to separate. Going 4 months now and he has agreed to nothing. I'd recommend based on my exp so far to go straight to a solicitor to start court proceedings to separate. Mediation to separate really is for situations where both parties are rational and on same page. Get advice before thinking of leaving house, especially if you want to return there at any stage. I know a couple of women who left and it did not go down well at court, as unfortunately depends on Judge you get. Of course if not safe get out but record every bit of evidence. I am at my wits end and will go back to a solicitor next. Not sure how I can afford one as all my money goes on supporting the kids and house whilst he spreads nothing but lies.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread