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Original poster

I want to see an old (male) froend, how do I broach this with DP

33 replies

Myownbestfriend · 03/04/2023 18:47

As the title says really.

I've been with DP for 10 years.

I've never really had proper friends (never really been interested) so when DP and I got together, my only social life was volunteering at a local charity and occasionally going for a drink after 'work' with a few colleagues, and DP.

I've been 'friends' with a man for...I cant even remember now; over 17 years? We 'met' on a message board for people that shared our hobby, got chatting, moved the conversation to what was then msn and stayed friends until he met his now-wife.

I say friends; we only met up a few times but talked every day on msn for hours, shared all our secrets; he's essentially my best friend.

The problem is, not long after DP and I met, my friend met his now-wife who is very insecure about his friendships, he cut most people out and I didn't want to rock the boat so cut contact down to the bare minimum.

We lost touch for a bit after he got married; I unfriended him as I had my partner and my friend had moved about an hour away so was no longer local, then his wife got sick so he's pretty much her carer. Etc.

Then...recently we've been back in touch (I initiated contact as I missed him). We've been talking lots on Facebook and he wants to meet up.

My question is, what do I say to dp? I'd happily invite my friend to our house but as none of my children have ever met him I feel like that would be weird, as would just telling DP I'm going to meet my male friend that he's never met and I haven't mentioned in years!

He's happy in his marriage, I'm happy in my relationship, I just miss this close friendship and I've lost myself a bit over the last few years (not practising as pagan anymore but would like to restart my craft, etc), he feels the same about wanting to become a bit more 'his old self' before life got ih the way - but would it be too difficult now we both have long term partners?

OP posts:

bunhead1979 · 03/04/2023 19:06

I dunno. I quite a often go out with male friends one to one and i just say to dh what i’m doing- we are both secure in our relationship. He has some women friends/work colleagues he meets one to one as well.

Are you sure there is not more to this?

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 03/04/2023 19:08

Can't you just say you're going to see your friend you haven't seen for years?

Unless you usually shag every man you meet up with, I don't see how there's going to be a problem?

It shouldn't matter if your friends are men or women.

Lastnamedidntstick · 03/04/2023 19:08

It’s a lot of overthinking.

why not just say that you’re meeting up with friend Dave because you haven’t seen him for ages?

why would your dh have a problem? Or do you have feelings you’re not admitting to?

HowRatherGolly · 03/04/2023 19:10

Turn this around for a sec. If that was your DH writing this on MN, what would you advise the OP?

To me it sounds like nostalgia, or an itch you want to scratch and in all honesty, if this was a proper friend, then it would not have fizzled out due to "insecure" partners. We cannot always blame it on our partners low self esteem as there is just too many incidents of cheating, and this one spells out trouble to me.

MrsBunnyEars · 03/04/2023 19:10

‘I’m going to see Fred next week, are you ok to pick up the kids’ (or whatever).

I honestly think that if it needs any more thinking and explanation there’s something going quite wrong.

tribpot · 03/04/2023 19:12

my friend met his now-wife who is very insecure about his friendships, he cut most people out

Is he re-establishing his other friendships as well? If yes, you could all go out as a gang at least initially. If no, it sounds a bit suss on his part.

Why not invite your DP along to meet him too?

perfectcolourfound · 03/04/2023 19:13

The amount of thinking you're putting in to this suggests that for you this is more than a friendship. If it was a friendship, just tell your DH that you're back in touch with an old friend and would like to meet up, and he's welcome to come too if he likes.

If you feel uncomfortable telling him, then either you don't entirely trust your feelings or you have feelings for this man beyond friendship.

Another possible reason is if your DH is controlling / jealous / wouldn't 'approve' of a male friendship. In which case it's a DH problem.

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 19:17

Invite him and his wife to your place to meet you and your DP.

Obviously he won’t come because he won’t have told his wife he’s back in touch with you, and you haven’t told your DP you’re back in touch with him, and therein lies the problem.

It’s two people sneaking around behind their partners backs and then disingenuously pondering why their partners aren’t happy about the “friendship”.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 03/04/2023 19:23

I'm a little stuck on this point: He cut ties with you (and others) because his wife wasn't comfortable with these relationships. She's now ill and he's her carer. Has anything changed with how she views his friendship with you, or is this something he needs to keep secret?

I realize that their relationship isn't your problem, but I personally wouldn't want to get involved in something "secretive".

But to your original question, I'd just tell my husband that I was off to have coffee with (name) and deal with any questions honestly. I would suggest a little introspection as to why you are rekindling this relationship at this time though.

RenoDakota · 03/04/2023 19:24

So is he doing this behind his wife's back? Or is she now more tolerant of / secure about his friendships?
Him talking about how he is his wife's carer makes his motives for re-establishing contact with you seem dodgy as hell.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 03/04/2023 19:34

@@RenoDakota I'm wondering the same, and getting this uncomfortable feeling that he's willing to disregard his wife's feelings about this because she may not be in a great position now to push back on this.

Chooksnroses · 03/04/2023 19:37

This sounds like an affair in the making....go very carefully.

amylou8 · 03/04/2023 19:41

Can you meet up with partners? Go for a meal maybe. My partner has 2 female friends he sees. One I know well, we get on great and I'm bored than happy when he spends time with her. The other I've never met, shared hobby I'm not involved with, and whilst I trust home completely and would never say anything I still don't like it.

Dery · 03/04/2023 19:51

“The amount of thinking you're putting in to this suggests that for you this is more than a friendship. If it was a friendship, just tell your DH that you're back in touch with an old friend and would like to meet up, and he's welcome to come too if he likes.

If you feel uncomfortable telling him, then either you don't entirely trust your feelings or you have feelings for this man beyond friendship.

Another possible reason is if your DH is controlling / jealous / wouldn't 'approve' of a male friendship. In which case it's a DH problem.”

This. I also think it’s particularly risky to meet him so you can rediscover your old selves.

Tortelemon · 03/04/2023 19:54

Surely your husband knows you are back in contact? I’m guessing you mentioned it the day you text him? If so say me and Dave are meeting up Saturday, do you and the kids fancy coming along or shall I meet you afterwards?

If your husband doesn’t know the FULL details already then I suggest you read ‘just good friends by Shirley Glass’ and peruse the Affair Recovery website.

I am not suggesting you plan on having an affair I just think if walls are being built and windows are not transparent this could lead to an EA. Nostalgia, boredom, excitement etc.

What changed for him , why is he now happy to be in contact? He had strong boundaries in place once, his wife was priority. Why is he happy to meet now? Why is she happier about it?

HappyMe6 · 03/04/2023 19:59

Agree with RenoDakota

Original poster

Myownbestfriend · 03/04/2023 20:37

How's he's worded it, is that his wife "made me cut people out before (his 'other' friend, he knew her before either me or his wife but she was quite manipulative and messed him around a lot) and I'm not letting her do that to me again with someone else".

She knows about me, he's told her he wants to meet up with me and she found an old profile of mine with a relatively pretty photo (from around 15 years ago) and apparently got quite jealous and said she didn't want him to meet me.

I've suggested she comes as well and I've suggested he comes to my house but as I said in my op, it would feel weird that the first time me and him meet up in however many years it is, my partner and kids are there (my children know nothing about him). I'd definitely build up to that but don't know if I'd just jump straight into him coming here. It might just be really awkward when we meet up for the first time in so long.

Also - his wife can't be too far away from hom due to medical reasons. Can't say too much as it's outing but she needs to be near home pretty much all the time.

Oh and yes, my partner knows about him as I've mentioned him a couple of times recently, just not that we want to meet.

OP posts:

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 03/04/2023 20:43

Just go out as a foursome

Sounds like your making excuses to see him alone and want that feel of a fantasy world.

PennyForearm · 03/04/2023 20:45

my partner knows about him as I've mentioned him a couple of times recently

Ah right, my bad, it's just that you said in your OP as would just telling DP I'm going to meet my male friend that he's never met and I haven't mentioned in years

The way you're talking about him, this purely platonic friend, coming to your house and meeting your children and how it would be weird for them is like you're a single person talking about introducing them to a new boyfriend.

Foxontherun · 03/04/2023 20:45

How convenient that his wife is ill and probably in no state to kick up a fuss.

I suggest that you be crystal clear with both yourself and your own husband before you meet this guy.

Bamboux · 03/04/2023 20:47

Myownbestfriend · 03/04/2023 20:37

Also - his wife can't be too far away from hom due to medical reasons. Can't say too much as it's outing but she needs to be near home pretty much all the time.

Oh and yes, my partner knows about him as I've mentioned him a couple of times recently, just not that we want to meet.

she found an old profile of mine with a relatively pretty photo (from around 15 years ago) and apparently got quite jealous and said she didn't want him to meet me.

well, in that case you should definitely meet him. 🤪

SoGladofYou · 03/04/2023 21:01

Whether she’s unreasonable & jealous, or whether this is an EA, you should stay out of it.

Asummersday · 03/04/2023 21:08

Imo you’re selfish and unreasonable. 7 billion people in the world and you can’t make any friends apart from this complicated one.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 03/04/2023 21:09

Ah, so now that his wife is totally dependent upon him he's willing to stand up to her. 🙄

Cue the "I'm trapped in an unhappy marriage" and "we don't have a physical relationship anymore" whining.

Stay away. This is classic laying the groundwork for an affair. Don't toss a grenade into your marriage for this guy.

ganvough · 04/04/2023 01:04

This doesn't feel like a real friendship. It's only rekindled because he's lonely from being his wife's carer and you've realised you have no hobbies or social life. The circumstances under which you cut contact all still exist (his wife is uncomfortable with you) and you got into a long term relationship.

It seems like you both just want to re-live your past lives and remember who you were - problem is neither of you want to include your partners in this life of yours. This is ripe for an emotional affair as you're both living in a bubble, rather than your real worlds.

It is highly unlikely that his sick wife is going to agree to meet you, all these years later, which means he'll either lie to her or force her to accept it (now that he has the power). Don't get sucked into this mess of a life he has. Because he isn't going to be happy for you to be happy in your marriage and honestly I can see him creating a rift in your life so he doesn't feel alone.

Address the issues that made you want to connect with him in the first place. You want to go back to practising your craft - do it, join a group and meet some new people (like you once did with him). And if you do want to see him, include your DH and his wife in the friendship too - if your friend never brings his wife around then I would accept he's doing it behind her back. Don't be his foil in whatever complicated drama he's got on at home.

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