I want to see an old (male) froend, how do I broach this with DP

[Myownbestfriend]

As the title says really.

I've been with DP for 10 years.

I've never really had proper friends (never really been interested) so when DP and I got together, my only social life was volunteering at a local charity and occasionally going for a drink after 'work' with a few colleagues, and DP.

I've been 'friends' with a man for...I cant even remember now; over 17 years? We 'met' on a message board for people that shared our hobby, got chatting, moved the conversation to what was then msn and stayed friends until he met his now-wife.

I say friends; we only met up a few times but talked every day on msn for hours, shared all our secrets; he's essentially my best friend.

The problem is, not long after DP and I met, my friend met his now-wife who is very insecure about his friendships, he cut most people out and I didn't want to rock the boat so cut contact down to the bare minimum.

We lost touch for a bit after he got married; I unfriended him as I had my partner and my friend had moved about an hour away so was no longer local, then his wife got sick so he's pretty much her carer. Etc.

Then...recently we've been back in touch (I initiated contact as I missed him). We've been talking lots on Facebook and he wants to meet up.

My question is, what do I say to dp? I'd happily invite my friend to our house but as none of my children have ever met him I feel like that would be weird, as would just telling DP I'm going to meet my male friend that he's never met and I haven't mentioned in years!

He's happy in his marriage, I'm happy in my relationship, I just miss this close friendship and I've lost myself a bit over the last few years (not practising as pagan anymore but would like to restart my craft, etc), he feels the same about wanting to become a bit more 'his old self' before life got ih the way - but would it be too difficult now we both have long term partners?

Why do you think you missed him? You unfriended him because you met your partner - that’s not a best friend. If you feel that there’s a gap in your life, better to seek out new connections and friendships.

In my house, that would be ‘I’m catching up with Frank from years back on Tuesday, so won’t be home till late’, but you and your old friend seem to both have some deeply unexamined strange ideas about dropping friendships once you’re in a relationship, so you’re reaping the weird ‘friendships are incompatible with relationships’ thing you sowed now.

I had similar-ish. Was best friends with a guy (and thats all it ever was from both sides), maintained the friendship when I got with dh. Then the friend got with someone got married and dropped me. As far as I know not because of his wife but I think more of a "I don't need you anymore" type thing. It was very very hurtful at the time. About 8 years later he emailed me and we had a bit of back and forth catching up abs he was very keen to meet up which I realised I couldn't be bothered to do. It would never be the same again, too Lucy water under the bridge, too much had happened in both our lives that neither of us knew about and ultimately whether he regretted it or not, he had ditched me. I don't see anything wrong with you meeting up with him but I can't see it will mean you'll be best mates again.

Thanks everyone. I'll leave meeting up I think, you're right; it seems like it could get very complicated!

I don't want to risk upsetting his partner or falling our with mine.

This is more a response on his side than yours but why on earth do people get into relationships with people who can’t tolerate them having friends of the opposite sex?

My close friends are evenly split between men and women, someone telling me they weren’t comfortable with me having a close friendship with a man would 100% be a dealbreaker.

Indeed. Presumably it’s one of the reasons so many posters say they are friendless but have a spouse or partner. Friends are far more likely to be around longterm in someone’s life, and to outlast relationships, so quite apart from healthy personal boundaries within relationships and needing other people in your life, it makes absolutely no sense to ditch friends for a relationship.

I have two close male friends I see once or twice a year. DP isn't fond of it, but I told him he likes it or lumps it. I knew them before him and will continue to see them. It's all about trust, if he trusts you I do not see an issue.

But that's a continuous friendship which you have maintained, not a rekindled friendship from years ago.