Sister is TTC for years and I am pregnant, what should I do?

[Kathleen992]

Hi,
I am now 5 months pregnant. I have PCOS so I knew I might not be able to get pregnant, I had a biochemical pregnancy shortly before this one. The fact that I am pregnant and everything is going well is a miracle for me. My older sister has been trying for a child for about 10 years, first with her first husband, now with her second, without success. I have always supported her in this journey, recommended doctors and programs for people with infertility problems. I knew a lot myself, because in order to get pregnant, I had to regulate my hormones and have ovulation. Now that I'm pregnant, I can see that she does not handle it well. When I told her I am pregnant, she only said "you are so fertile" reproachfully, avoids the topic of pregnancy, if something appears, she refers to herself "when I have a child", she can be mean to me. She claims that she does not know if she wants to have children at all (in fact, it was never her dream) and that she is dealing with this problem, but it does not seem like it. She doesn't want to go to a psychologist. I started to feel guilty about being pregnant and I'm afraid of her moods because I never know how she'll act - at the beginning of the cycle she's excited, towards the end and when she gets her period I never know what her mood will be. In the past, unfortunately, she also unloaded her negative emotions on me, e.g. after the divorce (I think that's why I'm afraid of her moods now). This time because of pregancy, I don't want to be stressed and I'm thinking about breaking off contact. She confessed to our mother that she couldn't stand the fact that I was pregnant. It's very hard for me because I don't have anyone other than my parents (our mother has paranoid disorder and father has bipolar disorder so they are not very stable and predictable). Fortunately, my husband and his family are very supportive of me. Should I really cut off contact? My sister wants to talk to me, but basically about her trying to have a baby.

I don't know about cutting off contact but I'd take a step back and allow some healthy distance between the two of you for now. Just keep things polite and civil. Congrats on your pregnancy :)

Hmmnn. Different but I have secondary infertility (trying for 5 years, lots of ivf, surgeries and miscarriages) and have two sisters, although a bit older. Years ago my middle sister was ttc (had been for at least a year has pcos) my oldest sister announced she was going to start ttc. Middle sister burst into tears. It's just all very emotional. Personally, I think if you like your sister you need to suck it up and be a support to her (own mental health allowing). 10 years of infertility is utterly shit. I've changed so much since my infertility diagnosis and I've needed love and support. I've had numerous friends have their accidental third babies in that time, it's like being hit by a bus each time. It really has been the worst years of my life and I say that as someone who watched their mum die of brain cancer when I was early 30s. It's inescapable and all consuming, literally all I ever think about.

What you do depends on your relationship with your sister and your own mental health. If it were my sister I'd be led by her and go with it. You are a different family though, so that may not be the solution.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

It sounds like a complicated relationship and like interactions with her are hurting and upsetting you. You don’t have to dramatically cut her off but I’d pull way back and avoid any sort of official talks.

While her struggles are very sad, you’re allowed to enjoy your pregnancy and don’t need to be made to feel guilty that it’s happened. It’s okay to choose to avoid stressful people and situations.

Things between you will get better or worse once you’ve had your baby. I’d play things by ear and prepare to distance yourself further if need be.

Its great your inlaws are supportive, one decent lot of family in a couple is enough.

If I'm honest, I find it all exceedingly creepy that anyone let's their happiness and everyday life be dictated by currently non existent children.
It's like reducing all that you are to ovaries and a womb and their capabilities.

You could tell her to see a psychiatrist and seek help for the broodiness the same way you would for the depression or ocd or any other mental illness. Because if anything makes you waste your life lamenting 'what ifs' - it is mental illness.

But the thing is, it sounds like you have the same obsession. Many women do. And they encourage eachother in it with bs like talking about how sad it is not to have able to conceive.

And so of course now you are pregnant it's going to be like rubbing her nose in it.

It would be like talking forever about how great winning the lottery is. Falling into depression that you can't and are skint. And then one of you wins thr lottery. Of course that's going to hurt her.

But the obsession with it in the first place was mental. That's what needs to be tackled. And I don't think you can. I think you'd be wise to step away. Because now you have a baby, encouraging her to shake off her baby fever would be like waving a fist of notes in her face and telling her 'you don't need to have lots of money'.

I hope she gets the help she needs. Which, isn't, kids. Protect yourself from the misery she'd drag you into.

Hi, I think I didn't have this obsession. I went through therapy on my childhood and it helped me a lot. With my husband we discussed what will happen if we will not be able to have children (I was treating my PCOS not only to get pregnant, just to feel better before we met) and we agreed we will not make our whole lives about me getting pregnant. I know it's easy to say, because maybe after few years more I would start to think only about having a baby but for sure I would get some professional help then. Personally I don' think I need to have children to be happy. I think my husband would be more crushed if it didn't happen.

Excellent post. There is definitely such a thing as toxic baby obsession. You might need to distance yourself from your sister, at least in the short term, or at least make it clear that you did not steal your pregnancy from her and you will not be made to feel guilty about it.

Sorry maybe 'obsession' is a bit harsh in your case and I was mixing you up with your sister (Though 'regulating hormones' ? ).

I'm out when ppl start talking about injecting themselves with stuff. Though maybe you just meant exercising and eating right.

I think it’s healthiest for you both if you distance yourselves for now. Don’t have to “cut contact” but maybe minimise meet ups etc, just let her have some space to accept your pregnancy.

What's your position in terms of having children/infertility, just put of interest?

No, it turned out I have insulin resistance so I changed my diet and had healthy liefestyle. I also had some problems with androgens (it was causing loosing hair, acne, hirsutism) so I was talking some drugs to sort it out. However, when we decided to try for a baby I was "ready" due to that.

I think yes, it will be the best of both of us. However, it still makes me a bit sad because I know we could still keep in touch if I wouldn't get pregnant (it seems a bit like if I've done something wrong).

Excellent post.

No, it really isn't an excellent post. It's the complete opposite to an excellent post. While I think the OP's sister is absolutely out of order foisting her disappointment around conceiving onto others, @Pinkbonbon's post is sadly lacking in understanding or compassion. Human beings, like other animals, possess a biological drive to reproduce and, while there are those who don't wish to have children, the majority of people have this urge. For some it is all consuming. An inability to conceive may require therapy to help the person/couple process it, but there is absolutely nothing 'creepy' about the fact that infertility does take over some people's lives. It doesn't mean that women are simply ovaries and a womb, any more than men are simply a penis and sperm.

I agree with pp's @Kathleen992 that you need to distance yourself and avoid the stress. While it's understandable that your sister feels upset that you are pregnant when she has been trying for so long, she shouldn't be taking it out on you. Wishing you all the best

I think if your body says no, you shouldn't pump yourself full of hormones trying to change it. Having babies is a dangerous and unnecessary enough business as is.

Not saying no one should ever have kids but I find it terrifying how many people make their lives all about it. Are so readily prepared to damage themselves considerably to do so.

I see baby fever the same as I would alcoholism or any other addiction. Not good for you. You could argue that at least something nice comes out of that particular obsession I suppose. But it's still dangerous.

And if you value your own body and life so little that you damage it by ruminating yourself into a depression about currently non existent beings, or pumping yourself full of drugs that make you sick in order to have them, my sympathy for you is limited (could you tell xD)

Choose another dream.

Im sure many will say that's really harsh but my sympathy is with people who are genuinely ill or fighting off depression ect...unable to enjoy their lives but fighting to get out of that fog.

Not people who indulge their obsessions to the point that they ruin their own lives, make themselves ill and expect others to encourage them to wallow in a misery of their own making.

While I agree with you to a certain extent I think it would be interesting to know whether you have children/can't etc.

I have just suffered my third miscarriage and have no children. I'm not entirely sure how much more I can take and have told my husband that beyond one round of IVF I wouldn't put my body or mind through anymore than that.

I would however take drugs that I know will correct something that could be causing my miscarriages for example aspirin, levothryoxine etc.

I do think it's an interesting topic of conversation though.

Im sorry for your loss. I am not unsympathetic to people miscarrying, that must be an awful thing to go through and my sympathies are with you.

Hmm...I don't want to further upset you. But I also want to be honest. And I think you are also already thinking 'at what point am I just doing this (heartache) to myself? (By trying again and again). I know people will say 'keep trying' but personally I think that's more cruel.

I also would worry about your health having gone through all this. I feel like I want to say - but YOU matter too. And way more than some non existent being. I want to tell you to love yourself and value you. And choose YOU.

I decided I'd never have kids (choice) long ago. I can't ever see that changing. I have been broody but I treat it as something to work through, not endulge. Easier for me of vourse as I don't want them. I'm certainly not saying the pang for kids is something easy to overcome. Simply that we should treat it like...depression and work through it. Not lean into it (if doing so would lead to more heartache).

Obviously you have had the issue of miscarriages too which may further compound that drive to have kids. But...I'd say maybe stop for a while and consider if you couldn't choose a different path. One not strewn with more suffering. Could you find other dreams that even the process of achieving, would bring happiness instead?

I wish you luck whichever you choose. But... don't get lost digging for gold in one place your whole life if you could find it elsewhere, down an easier path.

Came to say the same as @Tessisme

I think @Pinkbonbon should fuck right off

when fertility is caused by hormonal problems then sorting them out is a medical necessity - not just for fertility but for general health. "pumping yourself full of hormones" is like "pumping yourself full of insulin" when you're diabetic.

Congrats on your pregnancy, it's such an exciting time for you and your little baba will be with you in no time 🥰 Now is the time for you to have so much positivity and love in your life and to be surrounded by loved ones that make you feel calm and excited for what's to come. It's a tricky one and my heart goes out to your sister. But I've been in her shoes and have had years of trying to conceive and went through multiple ivfs, only for my sisters to get pregnant on their first ivf attempts or first attempts at conceiving naturally. It was tough but obviously I was delighted for them, even when they did ask me to go baby shopping with them 🙈 I was delighted because knowing that it might not happen for me, I was lucky to have so many nieces and nephews in my life to love and see grow up. Thankfully it did happen for me many many years and rounds of ivf later and being on the other side was extremely tough. But sisterly love is unconditional. I wouldn't cut your sister out and maybe if you felt up to it, I'd sit down with her and explain how you feel. It sounds like you have already and if she is still being negative maybe just see her but to make sure there's no baby talk. When your little baba arrives you're going to be so busy and things may change for your sister once she meets her niece / nephew. Also you'll go through a lot of change as a person as a new mum and it's important to have family around, but you'll soon learn yourself that you'll only want positive people in your life and give your sister that chance when the baby arrives. If there's no change you can reevaluate your relationship but I'd hold off until your baby is born. It sounds like your sister has been through so much heartache and is stuck in a place that's hard for her to get out of, and it's up to her to create positivity in her life. Wishing you so much joy for the coming months 🥰

I understand what I'm saying might be a bit radical here btw. But I really just want us to stop perpetuating the idea that not having kids is a calamity. Because it encourages women to...lose themselves. To ruin their lives lost in a haze of baby fever. To marry the wrong men. To feel awful about themselves because they think they can't do something they 'should' be able to do.

We women are the ones encouraging this.
And it's mad.

Not a day goes by here where a woman on these forums isn't asking for help to coparent with an abusive man. Or talking of how she's spent all her money on ivf only for it to fail again on her last try. Or talk of how hard being a single mum is because the dad couldn't handle it and buggered off.

I just wish we'd say to eachother 'hey, it's OK to choose yourself. Your own health. Your own wellbeing. Your own safety. Your own freedom. Don't make yourself ill chasing shadows of what might be. And certainly don't spend all your money or settle for the wrong man in order to do so'.

what you're doing is telling people that it's NOT ok to chose their desired path in life and they should just accept being childless despite there being treatment options

No, what I'm doing I'd telling them that if something is making you ill, you should stop.

Addicts just don't like being told no.

Ultimately they have to make their own decisions. They have to overcome their own issues.

But I would no more encourage someone to keep trying for kids, spend all their time and money on it, thinking about it 24/7 than I would encourage an alcohol to keep drinking.

*alchoholic

people who suffer with hormonal disorders are already ill - they are trying to fix it

Not sure why you keep talking about hormonal disorders. Yes op already explained above.