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Original poster

Sister is TTC for years and I am pregnant, what should I do?

41 replies

Kathleen992 · 03/04/2023 15:25

Hi,
I am now 5 months pregnant. I have PCOS so I knew I might not be able to get pregnant, I had a biochemical pregnancy shortly before this one. The fact that I am pregnant and everything is going well is a miracle for me. My older sister has been trying for a child for about 10 years, first with her first husband, now with her second, without success. I have always supported her in this journey, recommended doctors and programs for people with infertility problems. I knew a lot myself, because in order to get pregnant, I had to regulate my hormones and have ovulation. Now that I'm pregnant, I can see that she does not handle it well. When I told her I am pregnant, she only said "you are so fertile" reproachfully, avoids the topic of pregnancy, if something appears, she refers to herself "when I have a child", she can be mean to me. She claims that she does not know if she wants to have children at all (in fact, it was never her dream) and that she is dealing with this problem, but it does not seem like it. She doesn't want to go to a psychologist. I started to feel guilty about being pregnant and I'm afraid of her moods because I never know how she'll act - at the beginning of the cycle she's excited, towards the end and when she gets her period I never know what her mood will be. In the past, unfortunately, she also unloaded her negative emotions on me, e.g. after the divorce (I think that's why I'm afraid of her moods now). This time because of pregancy, I don't want to be stressed and I'm thinking about breaking off contact. She confessed to our mother that she couldn't stand the fact that I was pregnant. It's very hard for me because I don't have anyone other than my parents (our mother has paranoid disorder and father has bipolar disorder so they are not very stable and predictable). Fortunately, my husband and his family are very supportive of me. Should I really cut off contact? My sister wants to talk to me, but basically about her trying to have a baby.

OP posts:

Greenvelvetdress · 03/04/2023 20:17

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 20:12

No, what I'm doing I'd telling them that if something is making you ill, you should stop.

Addicts just don't like being told no.

Ultimately they have to make their own decisions. They have to overcome their own issues.

But I would no more encourage someone to keep trying for kids, spend all their time and money on it, thinking about it 24/7 than I would encourage an alcohol to keep drinking.

Show quote history

I do agree with a lot of what you are saying and like you said it has gone through my mind.

I have thought about my future without children and definitely don't have my whole heart set on it, I know that me and my husband could be happy without children.

I am definitely going to take a break and think about myself, although I'd never let anyone else say this - I am still young and do have time.

I definitely agree with you in terms of having round after round of IVF, one it's very hard on yourself and two I don't know how right it is for the child and whether your body is just saying you shouldn't have a baby... But maybe it's the same for me, my body has said no three times.

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2023 20:19

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 20:16

Not sure why you keep talking about hormonal disorders. Yes op already explained above.

because infertility is most commonly caused by these

for example, thyroid issues are often related to difficulties falling pregnant and then carrying the pregnancy to full term - wanting a child is often one of the reasons why people treat this problem

and if someone wants children then telling them to just deal with it and comparing it to substance abuse is not only lacking in empathy but medically makes no sense

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 20:20

Maybe it'll happen for you when you least expect it. Take some time out. Hell I'd spend the ivf money on a holiday personally but that's just me xD

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 20:26

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2023 20:19

because infertility is most commonly caused by these

for example, thyroid issues are often related to difficulties falling pregnant and then carrying the pregnancy to full term - wanting a child is often one of the reasons why people treat this problem

and if someone wants children then telling them to just deal with it and comparing it to substance abuse is not only lacking in empathy but medically makes no sense

Show quote history

OK. But by hormones I'm referring to the stuff they put in your body during ivf.

Why? Do you you not think alcoholics are not suffering? I'm not saying 'just deal with it'. I'm saying work through it. It'll be tough and they deserve support in getting through it.

But I'm not going to say 'hey, it's OK, have another drink. Booze is great. You need it' to an alcoholic.

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2023 20:28

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 20:26

OK. But by hormones I'm referring to the stuff they put in your body during ivf.

Why? Do you you not think alcoholics are not suffering? I'm not saying 'just deal with it'. I'm saying work through it. It'll be tough and they deserve support in getting through it.

But I'm not going to say 'hey, it's OK, have another drink. Booze is great. You need it' to an alcoholic.

Show quote history

do you know what hormones they're "pumping" into women for ivf?

are you telling the same to women who are hormonal contraception?

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 20:32

Not a clue. Don't care to find out personally. Whole thought makes me queasy. Stuff to make you produce more eggs probably. No idea. Not a doctor.

No, because contraception is to protect yourself from unwanted babies. Having children when you want them is not a necessity. NOT having children you can't look after them however...

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 03/04/2023 20:34

seven201 · 03/04/2023 15:41

Hmmnn. Different but I have secondary infertility (trying for 5 years, lots of ivf, surgeries and miscarriages) and have two sisters, although a bit older. Years ago my middle sister was ttc (had been for at least a year has pcos) my oldest sister announced she was going to start ttc. Middle sister burst into tears. It's just all very emotional. Personally, I think if you like your sister you need to suck it up and be a support to her (own mental health allowing). 10 years of infertility is utterly shit. I've changed so much since my infertility diagnosis and I've needed love and support. I've had numerous friends have their accidental third babies in that time, it's like being hit by a bus each time. It really has been the worst years of my life and I say that as someone who watched their mum die of brain cancer when I was early 30s. It's inescapable and all consuming, literally all I ever think about.

What you do depends on your relationship with your sister and your own mental health. If it were my sister I'd be led by her and go with it. You are a different family though, so that may not be the solution.

Just wanted you to know that was a really well expressed post and made me feel quite emotional. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through/have gone through. I hope you find an ending, with or without a child, that makes you happy. I’m childfree (choice), mid forties, and really love it. Just in case an alternative perspective is useful.

💐

Tessisme · 03/04/2023 20:48

Seriously @Pinkbonbon your comments are patronising and ignorant. It is perfectly natural for women (and men) to want to exhaust all options before accepting that they need to 'dig for gold' elsewhere, as you put it. If you break it down to biology, propagation of the species is our basic raison d'être. Sex. Babies. Life. And yes, I know there's more to life in real terms, but the urge to reproduce is innate. It is how we all came to be here. It's fantastic that, in modern society, we can make a personal choice not to have children if that's what we want, but that's different from not being ABLE to have them, despite the biological urge to do so.

seven201 · 03/04/2023 21:31

@BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight aww thank you. That's very kind. I do have a 7 year old (I did put secondary infertility in my post but it may have been a bit lost) so am incredibly lucky to have her. I can't imagine the pain of primary infertility. I was a bit worried when I got the email saying i'd been tagged as I can see this thread has turned into quite the debate (and not one I wish to get involved in!). I am actually currently pregnant again, but it's still early days, and given my 4 past losses I'm well aware it could go either way. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot.

Newtothis2023 · 03/04/2023 23:28

IVF gives so many people hope and if its the path some woman, including me, want to go down who is it to someone else to start pushing their views down others throats... I was told to stop wasting my money and go down the donor route and guess what I said I'd try one more time (8th go btw) and I have the most beautiful girl in the world. It was my choice and I had a great life with my husband but I wanted to be a mum and now I am and I count my blessings every day - she is my miracle baby and I'd go through it all again for her. I wasn't obsessed, yes I was emotionally invested but I had a strong and healthy balance. It's not for someone else to shove their opinions onto others and be obnoxious to others feelings - respect everyone has their own feelings and have some empathy @Pinkbonbon

Shefliesonherownwings · 04/04/2023 13:05

Tessisme · 03/04/2023 20:48

This 100%. Don't try to paint yourself as some sort of radical thinker on mumsnet. You're being insensitive and uncaring and simply pushing your own narrative onto everyone else and claiming it to be the right way only.

There's a way of disagreeing with someone else's point of view and desires without coming across as unfeeling and heartless and someone who only wants to put other people's life choices down.

LBFseBrom · 04/04/2023 13:11

Congratulations on your pregnancy, that is marvellous news.

I really feel for your sister and can imagine it must be hard. However she will come round, she really will, when you have your baby. Please don't cut her off, maybe talk less often but you are sisters and love each other. If she shows signs of resentment towards you you can say, firmly but gently, that her infertility is not your fault and you wish above anything that she could have a baby.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if she did become pregnant? I really wish I had a magic wand sometimes. However life is full of disappointments, there is nobody who has zero sadness in life and people usually come to terms and accommodate such things.

All the very best to you.

PaintedEgg · 04/04/2023 13:31

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2023 20:32

Not a clue. Don't care to find out personally. Whole thought makes me queasy. Stuff to make you produce more eggs probably. No idea. Not a doctor.

No, because contraception is to protect yourself from unwanted babies. Having children when you want them is not a necessity. NOT having children you can't look after them however...

so its ok to take hormones to avoid pregnancy, even though there are some serious risks to consider, but not to fall pregnant? there is a big hole in your logic

PaintedEgg · 04/04/2023 13:32

also, as you've said - you have no clue, no idea and you're not a doctor...so what on earth are you on about trying to judge people's medical treatment?

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 07/04/2023 09:10

Tessisme · 03/04/2023 18:49

Excellent post.

No, it really isn't an excellent post. It's the complete opposite to an excellent post. While I think the OP's sister is absolutely out of order foisting her disappointment around conceiving onto others, @Pinkbonbon's post is sadly lacking in understanding or compassion. Human beings, like other animals, possess a biological drive to reproduce and, while there are those who don't wish to have children, the majority of people have this urge. For some it is all consuming. An inability to conceive may require therapy to help the person/couple process it, but there is absolutely nothing 'creepy' about the fact that infertility does take over some people's lives. It doesn't mean that women are simply ovaries and a womb, any more than men are simply a penis and sperm.

I agree with pp's @Kathleen992 that you need to distance yourself and avoid the stress. While it's understandable that your sister feels upset that you are pregnant when she has been trying for so long, she shouldn't be taking it out on you. Wishing you all the best

Well, some of us aren't at the mercy of 'biological drive' and I for one am glad I am not. Thousands of years of civilisation mean we have other options.

Tessisme · 07/04/2023 09:57

Well, some of us aren't at the mercy of 'biological drive'

Yeah, that's what I said. In my post. The one you quoted. Have another wee read of it.

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