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Original poster

Starting to question my relationship - advice please.

33 replies

Oakwoodtree · 03/04/2023 11:06

I have been seeing a man for almost 2 years, he is 55 and I’m 40.
He told me his ex wife always got him into debt and that was why their relationship broke down. They have 2 grown up children aged 24 and 18, he doesn’t have a relationship with his youngest but does with the oldest. I also have a 6 year old from my previous relationship.

I’ve found out his marriage actually broke down because he cheated on her, and had done so previously and his wife had had enough.
I feel he doesn’t really try to have a relationship with his kids although he sees his oldest he only sees her a handful of times a year and has totally given up on his youngest, doesn’t give her any gifts at Christmas or birthdays.

as soon as his youngest left school he stopped all maintenance payments to his wife and doesn’t contribute to his youngest going to university, he says his wife can sort that. He also has a very high earning job 100k plus he is self employed and he let slip recently he only paid his ex wife the very minimum amount, when I questioned him about this he said he only pays himself a minimum wage so he doesn’t need to pay a lot of tax and his maintenance was based on his wage (he does pay himself very high dividends).

He doesn’t interact with my daughter very much and children is something I would like to have in the future with him. He treats me like a Queen always buying me flowers, treating me, helps very much around the house.

I don’t know about this, the fact he lied to me about how their relationship broke up and how he is with his sons is getting me thinking but on the other hand he is brilliant with me and we have such a laugh and a good time together?

Im not very experienced when it comes to relationships, my first serious relationship was with my ex husband prior to that I didn’t really date, so I’m not sure what to look out for?

would any of this raise any eyebrows with you?

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 03/04/2023 11:11

I couldn't be in a relationship with any man that has financially screwed his children over. He's an utter shit.

FurryBoots99 · 03/04/2023 11:13

He continues to be a shit to his kids, it doesn’t matter how lovely he treats you. Look at what he’s done/doing to them?

fuck that, bin him

Highlyflavouredgravy · 03/04/2023 11:14

More red flags than a communist party conference

IsThePopeCatholic · 03/04/2023 11:15

Your relationship is based on a lie. He sounds untrustworthy and selfish. Don’t let his treating you like a ‘queen’ cloud your moral judgement. You can do better.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 03/04/2023 11:15

He might treat you like a queen but treats the kids like crap.

Popalina65 · 03/04/2023 11:17

Think you know the answer to this!

Definitely not a potential father for your current child let alone a new baby.

Rafferty10 · 03/04/2023 11:17

I cannot belive you have to ask, of course he is showering you with flowers and being attentive, you are a catch for him....but he is definitely not a catch for you !

His past behavious is awful, lying, cheating, paying the very least for his children...set yor bar much higher and bin him.

PaigeMatthews · 03/04/2023 11:18

Well, he is a wanker isnt he.

80s · 03/04/2023 11:21

children is something I would like to have in the future with him
He's 55 - enjoying being child-free and looking forward to a nice peaceful retirement. I doubt that's what he's telling his much younger girlfriend, though?

Imnotachap · 03/04/2023 11:27

He's not bothered about your DC. He's not bothered about his own. He's a liar and a cheat and he's 15 years older than you.

Isheabastard · 03/04/2023 11:28

The problem is that although he treats you as a queen (for now), everything thing you have found out about him, shows that he only ever thinks of himself.

There will be a selfish reason why he treats you so well, and as soon as it stops he will treat you just as badly. Sure hang out with him for the time being, but be ready to ditch him when he starts treating you the same as the rest of his family. There is no future with him.

perfectcolourfound · 03/04/2023 13:08

I don't want a man to treat me like a 'Queen' - I want him to treat me as his equal partner, someone he respects and shares the load with. Someone who shares my life views and aims, and who doesn't lie to me.

I couldn't be attracted to someone who is not interested in my own DC. I couldn't be attracted to someone who had abandoned his own DCs (physically, emotionally, financially). I couldn't be attracted to someone who lied to me - and in lying to you, he took away your option to choose not to date someone who thinks cheating is OK. Ask yourself why he lied.

I very much doubt this 55 year old man who has no interest in his children or yours, is remotely interested in having more.

He's a lousy father, he's tight and he's greedy, and he lies. Is that the father you would choose for your existing / future child?

Realjournal123 · 03/04/2023 13:12

If he would treat his own flesh and blood like they’re nothing then imagine how he could treat you in the future. All men are nice at first. It’s when they have to see reality of you in your dressing gown that things begin to change.

Arrivederla · 03/04/2023 13:20

perfectcolourfound · 03/04/2023 13:08

I don't want a man to treat me like a 'Queen' - I want him to treat me as his equal partner, someone he respects and shares the load with. Someone who shares my life views and aims, and who doesn't lie to me.

I couldn't be attracted to someone who is not interested in my own DC. I couldn't be attracted to someone who had abandoned his own DCs (physically, emotionally, financially). I couldn't be attracted to someone who lied to me - and in lying to you, he took away your option to choose not to date someone who thinks cheating is OK. Ask yourself why he lied.

I very much doubt this 55 year old man who has no interest in his children or yours, is remotely interested in having more.

He's a lousy father, he's tight and he's greedy, and he lies. Is that the father you would choose for your existing / future child?

Exactly this.

RememberNancyDrew · 03/04/2023 13:20

Has he said he wants more children?? He doesn't seem to like them very much - even if they share his DNA.
As a child of a liar/cheater who is not a fan of children in general, there is no way in hell I would date someone like this. Has he asked you, by chance, to turn custody of your child over to your child's father - to free you up for him?

Jacketspudtunamayo · 03/04/2023 13:21

Any so called man that doesn’t bother with his children aren’t worth the hassle. Shame he can’t treat his youngest like a Queen.

I hope you see sense & don’t have a baby to this selfish prick & on top of that why would you want to be with anyone who barely bothers with your child?

Provenza · 03/04/2023 13:23

I’m afraid OP that he’s treating you nicely because you have some use to him now. You give him something in return: sex, attention, company. He’s investing in you so that you’ll feel indebted to him. The moment your usefulness ends, or there will be extra demands from you (child together, paying attention to your daughter) it’ll all change. Just like he’s treating his ex and the children - not useful anymore.
Tread carefully in this relationship. Look after yourself.

Watchkeys · 03/04/2023 13:36

Im not very experienced when it comes to relationships, my first serious relationship was with my ex husband prior to that I didn’t really date, so I’m not sure what to look out for

You don't need experience. What to look out for is the questioning feeling. The uncomfortable feeling that things don't sit right for you. That's the feeling that makes us post on internet forums about our relationships. The feeling that we're not quite happy, that something is a bit wrong. As soon as you have that question, you're done with the relationship, because questions like that don't come up in healthy relationships. The fact that you have the question at all is a sign that, purely by being himself, he is crossing your boundaries in some way.

unsync · 03/04/2023 13:44

He sounds like a cunt tbh.

Iguanainanigloo · 03/04/2023 13:49

I can't imagine many 55 year olden wanting to start having babies. Especially one who already has grown up children he doesn't bother with much.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/04/2023 13:58

They have 2 grown up children aged 24 and 18, he doesn’t have a relationship with his youngest but does with the oldest.

I’ve found out his marriage actually broke down because he cheated on her, and had done so previously and his wife had had enough.

as soon as his youngest left school he stopped all maintenance payments to his wife and doesn’t contribute to his youngest going to university, he says his wife can sort that. He also has a very high earning job 100k plus he is self employed and he let slip recently he only paid his ex wife the very minimum amount, when I questioned him about this he said he only pays himself a minimum wage so he doesn’t need to pay a lot of tax and his maintenance was based on his wage (he does pay himself very high dividends).

I don’t know about this, the fact he lied to me about how their relationship broke up and how he is with his sons is getting me thinking

would any of this raise any eyebrows with you?

Nope, going by the above he sounds a prince among men and a prize catch 🙄 I mean he treats everyone in his family like shit, ignoring his kids and cheating his ex out of the maintenance, but as long as he carries on treating you like a queen....

Naunet · 03/04/2023 15:24

Well he sounds like a selfish, irresponsible prick to me, certainly not good father material - plus he’s too old really anyway. You know his age increases the risk of miscarriages?

Naunet · 03/04/2023 15:25

Naunet · 03/04/2023 15:24

Well he sounds like a selfish, irresponsible prick to me, certainly not good father material - plus he’s too old really anyway. You know his age increases the risk of miscarriages?

Oh, and he’s a liar of course.

TheCentreSlide · 03/04/2023 15:29

Why are you even considering doing anything else other than dumping him?!

Or do you like people who cheat, lie about cheating, lie about their finances so they don’t have to support their kids, don’t give a shit about their kids?

Ugh.

Original poster
Oakwoodtree · 03/04/2023 16:11

Thanks everyone, I just wanted to check it wasn’t me being unreasonable in my thinking.

he told me previously he didn’t see his kids often because the oldest was too busy and the youngest didn’t want a relationship with him because they didn’t agree with his parents splitting up. My BF said he wasn’t allowed to be happy, and regarding him paying the minimum amount he said that was because his ex got him into debt all the time so he didn’t owe her anything to pay her more maintenance. I feel like such a fool for believing all this and even thinking it was acceptable.

OP posts:
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