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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Jealous of DP past

33 replies

Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 09:46

I absolutely adore my DP and feel very safe and loved and compatible, I honestly couldn't ask for better, he has his faults like everyone else but overall very happy with our relationship.

However...I've found myself getting soooo many intrusive thoughts about his past. Now it's no more than any other man, he's had 2 long term relationships and a few casuals in there but I just sometimes can't get it out of my head him being with other people. We've spoke about it and he's reassured me etc which is all he can really do. I know it was before we met and I know it's really unhealthy on my part I just don't know how to stop such thoughts.

Ps I'm 30 weeks pregnant so could have some bearing and I don't argue with him about it or anything I actually tend to close to him and talk and hug him and want to be with him intimately when I have these thoughts.

Any advice? or am I being really toxic here?

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 03/04/2023 09:57

You are being toxic to yourself. Sounds like anyway.

Vodkaislethal · 03/04/2023 10:01

That’s very unhealthy, I’m not sure what to suggest, but you could be unwell

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/04/2023 10:06

It’s very unfair to repeatedly require him to reassure you over something which is entirely in your own head. Brutally, I’d have been gone a long time ago if I were him. Can you identify exactly what it is you’re jealous of? By definition, your partner’s exes are people with whom a relationship didn’t work out for whatever reason, or whom they didn’t love, or stopped loving: so on the face of it, not exactly something to be jealous of - indeed, quite the opposite.

Having had previous relationships is a good thing. It means he (hopefully, unless he’s hopelessly emotionally illiterate, and you’re better placed to work out whether or not he is than I am) now has some idea of what style of relationship and type of person is likely to be successful and has identified areas of his own character which have gotten in the way of a happy, healthy relationship previously.

Two of DH’s exes I count among my best friends. They’re incredibly interesting, funny, beautiful, talented women, and I can see exactly why he liked them - and I actually quite like knowing that he’s picked some really great women to be with in the past. It says far more about him and his ability to be a good partner than if he’d never managed to hold down a relationship, or had repeated crap relationships. Can you turn it around that way? The people in our pasts make us the people we are today. And they’re just people, as ordinary and flawed as you are. His exes aren’t you and it isn’t a competition, he’s chosen to be with you, not them.

LBFseBrom · 03/04/2023 10:07

I don't think you are being toxic, Mamma2b, but your partner's experiences sound quite normal and average to me. Did you not have any relationships before meeting him? Most people have been round the block a few times before they settle. He's with you now and you are having his baby! Congratulations.

something2say · 03/04/2023 10:08

Look up CBT. You could learn how to distract yourself from the thoughts. At the end of the day, he has loved others, as you have. Dont torture yourself about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2023 10:10

How often are you bringing this up?

I think it’s your issue to deal with tbh and not up to him to have to keep making you feel better. He hasn’t done anything wrong. You’ve been together at least 10 months, you want to be with him, focus on that and let everything else go.

DH and I had both been married before, he’s got kids with his ex. Everyone’s got a past, they help to shape who we are today and that’s okay.

ShippingNews · 03/04/2023 10:11

I know what you mean ! My DH has been married before , and until last week I never thought too much about it. But last week his sister put a little video on her Facebook, of her wedding which was about 20 years ago. There were all the family, and there was DH with his very glamourous wife, looking very affectionate with his arm around her . For some crazy reason I suddenly felt really jealous - ridiculous I know. But actually seeing them looking so lovey- dovey, it just caught me unawares. So yes I can understand how you feel. Obviously you can't do anything about it, but just accept it and carry on.

WandaWomblesaurus · 03/04/2023 10:15

Look up "retroactive jealousy" OP.
There's lots of resources on it now to help.

It's actually more common than we think and I've known several very lovely women who have experienced this. You aren't alone. It's an anxiety caused by thinking that the partner has had a better relationship or experiences in the past. Sometimes there can be a link with other mental health issues, and certainly anxiety plays a massive part in it all.

Winemygoodenemy · 03/04/2023 10:22

everyone has a past. As long as you both aren’t comparing it to each other, you need to accept it.

I get where you are coming from. My DP was married before and for some reason I hate it. I know it was a toxic relationship and both was miserable, but she married him first. We are now going on holiday to the same tropical destination he went on his honeymoon. I at first didn’t want to go there as it was his honeymoon country. But quickly got over it as I really wanted to go. We are not in same hotel. It did make me feel sad when I accidentally found his wedding photos, but honestly they didn’t look loved up. We look more loved up in photos.

my DPs most recent ex is a friend at his hobby group where they met. They don’t really see each other there much and she is getting married this week. I did get secretly jealous as on paper they have same interests and she is in lots of group hobby photos on Facebook. But I trust him and realised he is with me for a reason.

but I am still good friends with an ex fling. So I can’t comment really

Original poster
Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 10:25

Thanks for your replies everyone. To be fair he doesn't realise it's bugging me as much as it is because I don't bring it up too often and I know I'm being completely irrational and to be brutally honest I'm more annoyed at myself for being annoyed if that makes sense?

He's a completely different man with me than he was with his exes, his family have all said to me he's besotted with me compared to his exes so I rationally know this.

I honestly think it may be hormones and maybe me being a lot more insecure about my body the last wee while with all the changes to it but if it proceeds beyond pregnancy I will go speak to a therapist.

OP posts:
WandaWomblesaurus · 03/04/2023 10:26

It's also really really good that you are watching out for some help with it. What many people don't understand is that it's intrusive and that it's not something you can control until you get a grip on understanding it because it's something that can just floor you out of the blue. Once you learn more about it and why it's happening you can start to diminish it with tools like CBT.

Social media can play a big part in this as can the attitudes of friends and family. Sometimes the partner themselves spills too much intimate info in the early part of the dating process. Sometimes their friends let slip comparisons. Sometimes the partner suffering the retroactive jealousy has a complex history of abusive relationships themselves or other reasons to feel unworthy of love. It can be complex.

But it's brilliant you've reached out and you can get some helpful resources in place so you can start to take control of it. Your baby is a wonderful part of your future together. Hopefully he can understand what you are going through and be supportive as you recover.

Good luck OP! X

willieversleepagain1 · 03/04/2023 11:13

Hi OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I had similar thoughts to this when I was pregnant the first time too (much better the second time). You’ve had some great advice above so I won’t repeat but I did just want to gently warn you that I got a bit worse after birth, probably until my periods stabilised (a few months). At least you’re aware and you can mitigate against it now, and I can see that you are able to think rationally about it. Good luck with everything.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 11:24

Have you had any previous relationships or sexual encounters OP?

Nailsandthesea · 03/04/2023 11:31

I had this - it was related to my rejected upbringing and various narcissistic behaviour from my parents.

threeplusmum · 03/04/2023 11:38

I was like this with my partner, he's much older than me and was married before and has been sexually with a lot of women. But he assures me that I'm the love of his life and wishes he'd met me sooner. Yes occasionally I often wonder how attractive or not his exes were. But he never speaks of them, and I've got a past too - I'd find it difficult if he was my first real relationship. I think sometimes he does get insecure about me as I'm younger and have a child that is not his. I try not to let negative thinking impact my relationship too much tho.

Original poster
Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 11:46

Some really interesting stuff here that I can relate too.

@aSofaNearYou Yep i do have a past I was with 2 men before him, one was a casual encounter and one was a narcissistic and abusive relationship that I was in for 5 years so my DP is my first proper relationship, My abusive ex had a real issue with my one casual encounter but that was really deep rooted, toxic stuff that he made me feel like a real dirt bag for.

@Nailsandthesea I was wondering if there was a link here because I was brought up in a very co dependent and narcissistic family and feel like although I look very indepedent and strong etc, I actually need a lot of love and reassurance from partner which thank god he does provide

@threeplusmum My DP is 15 years older than me and one of his long term relationships was a marriage and the other he has two kids from (both of whom I have an amazing relationship with and have been in their lives longer than I haven't been if that makes sense) so the kids themselves don't bother me and my DP has no contact with his ex. We actually sound quite similar in terms of mindset!

OP posts:
WandaWomblesaurus · 03/04/2023 12:03

It's important that stuff like this is explored and not just shut down as it's something that does affect a lot of people.

A friend of mine is a therapist who said that social media, porn, only fans makes it worse especially for women. That some of it has a link with FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) which can be very debilitating. In this case it's fear of the person's past being a golden time for them that you can't compare with because reality is ultimately "real" and so we wonder if our everyday ordinary existence can match up to the amazing experiences we imagine they have had in the past. We start to compare ourselves with the other women - and elevate them to mythical status. They become alluring ghosts. Of course it's all in our heads but sometimes can be made worse by other people.

The book Rebecca sums it all up beautifully. It's a tale as old as time.

Favouritefruits · 03/04/2023 12:03

You’re 30 weeks pregnant and feeling very vulnerable and hormonal. If I’m honest I think you should see how you feel in a few months time when you feel a bit more ‘normal’ .

Vodkaislethal · 03/04/2023 12:06

He's a completely different man with me than he was with his exes, his family have all said to me he's besotted with me compared to his exes so I rationally know this

what? Why would his family say such a thing and have to give you this reassurance? Have you been asking them? I can’t think of any other reason they’d say something like this

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 12:16

Yep i do have a past I was with 2 men before him

I would try and remind yourself of this when you're feeling insecure, and remind yourself how little you (hopefully) think about those people now, how little it affects you now. It might help you feel better about it.

Livelifelaughter · 03/04/2023 12:34

I can really understand this. My ex had a relationship that ended a few months before me and I became too interested in my head about whether they did more significant things together. I think what you're experiencing isn't unusual but I think you should try and find a way not to bring it up because he can't change anything.

Original poster
Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 13:52

Vodkaislethal · 03/04/2023 12:06

He's a completely different man with me than he was with his exes, his family have all said to me he's besotted with me compared to his exes so I rationally know this

what? Why would his family say such a thing and have to give you this reassurance? Have you been asking them? I can’t think of any other reason they’d say something like this

No I would never go to his family for reassurance. It was after he proposed (very romantically) his family all said they couldn't believe it was the same man as he was never ever like that before and since that his mum, sister and cousin have all just generally commented on how happy he is now and how they see us together etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 13:53

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 12:16

Yep i do have a past I was with 2 men before him

I would try and remind yourself of this when you're feeling insecure, and remind yourself how little you (hopefully) think about those people now, how little it affects you now. It might help you feel better about it.

Yeah this usually is my coping mechanism to be fair. One of them I just out and out hate, he has me traumatised and the other I tend to cringe at. Have literally zero feelings for them. Ah it's just hard when it hits, I'm really really trying to stop it.

OP posts:
justathought69 · 03/04/2023 13:56

Maybe invite all the exes round, have girls night in altogether, get to know them, then there will be less mystery about them in your mind.

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