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Original poster

Jealous of DP past

33 replies

Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 09:46

I absolutely adore my DP and feel very safe and loved and compatible, I honestly couldn't ask for better, he has his faults like everyone else but overall very happy with our relationship.

However...I've found myself getting soooo many intrusive thoughts about his past. Now it's no more than any other man, he's had 2 long term relationships and a few casuals in there but I just sometimes can't get it out of my head him being with other people. We've spoke about it and he's reassured me etc which is all he can really do. I know it was before we met and I know it's really unhealthy on my part I just don't know how to stop such thoughts.

Ps I'm 30 weeks pregnant so could have some bearing and I don't argue with him about it or anything I actually tend to close to him and talk and hug him and want to be with him intimately when I have these thoughts.

Any advice? or am I being really toxic here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma2bee · 03/04/2023 13:58

WandaWomblesaurus · 03/04/2023 12:03

It's important that stuff like this is explored and not just shut down as it's something that does affect a lot of people.

A friend of mine is a therapist who said that social media, porn, only fans makes it worse especially for women. That some of it has a link with FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) which can be very debilitating. In this case it's fear of the person's past being a golden time for them that you can't compare with because reality is ultimately "real" and so we wonder if our everyday ordinary existence can match up to the amazing experiences we imagine they have had in the past. We start to compare ourselves with the other women - and elevate them to mythical status. They become alluring ghosts. Of course it's all in our heads but sometimes can be made worse by other people.

The book Rebecca sums it all up beautifully. It's a tale as old as time.

This is very interesting as I see how me and DP are together and tbh it's probably for me more the sexual element of it and I feel how we are together etc and then just get upset that he's had that before even though I know I have too albeit my past partners don't even compare to my DP in any way. My DP often says I have a warped or skewed image of how his past relationships were and that he wasn't the same man he was with them as he is with me. In fact, he's said a few times that the man I have is the one his ex begged for but he just couldn't give that version of himself to her because he didn't love her the way he loves me. PS I know it's easy to talk the talk so I don't believe they hated each other either lol I'm not that naive but I do think this is very true about building your own image of what the relationship was whether it's right or wrong.

OP posts:
gemloving · 03/04/2023 13:58

The past is the past. He's moved on and loves you and you're expecting a child. It's time to look forward, not back.

He's with you now and everything that happened in the past was the lead up to meeting you and now you two having a child. Without your very own past, you wouldn't be with him now.

IsAGirlMumma · 03/04/2023 16:29

Intrusive thoughts are really common in pregnancy and postpartum.

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2023 18:44

Please don’t let him having a past affect you. Would you prefer him to have been a virgin? Were you? It’s pretty unfair/toxic to resent his past.

Namechanger355 · 03/04/2023 18:47

I was like this with an ex - obsessed over his ex a lot

but it was because I was insecure in that relationship as rationally I couldn’t blame him for having a past

am not like that at all with my DH as I feel way more secure and stable

im sure your other half is lovely but you should def try to be more secure in yourself - you are creating a person inside you so your partner won’t care about your bump or weight

WandaWomblesaurus · 04/04/2023 09:44

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2023 18:44

Please don’t let him having a past affect you. Would you prefer him to have been a virgin? Were you? It’s pretty unfair/toxic to resent his past.

The OP understands that it's not normal to have these feelings but she is dealing with intrusive thoughts. It's not logical or deliberate but something she's trying to understand.

Navigatingthroughlife · 04/04/2023 12:50

I think it’s all about balance. We all have a past and tbh we don’t like the idea of thinking of our partners loved up with someone else. My SD showed me baby photos on her phone and there were a few of my partner (her dad), her mum and her all smiling away and in my head I was fuming about it. I know that’s completely on me as at one point they were a happy family it’s just not a nice feeling. You really need to try and remember though that we all have a past and we all also have a future. In your case you’re pregnant with this man about to become a family unit. Be happy x

SunflowerTed · 04/04/2023 17:26

The longer you have together Making your own memories the less you’ll find it matters. The link with his ex is his kids and they would still be together if he truly loved her. Don’t be too hard on yourself but also stop mentioning it to him, it’s destructive. You are his future so try and diffuse the negative thoughts and concentrate on enjoying your happiness xxx

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