My SIL

[candlewicket]

I am really in need of some advice.

I am feeling stuck and upset about a family situation. My brother, whom I have always been close to growing up , married someone who has caused absolute havoc in our family. She has lied, pitted us all against eachother, and broken up relationships.

Before I met her I really could not believe anyone could be so malevolent and spiteful.she used to throw away cards I sent him and give me incorrect timings about meet ups so I would be stood up.

I endured horrible verbal abuse from her (and later him) when I did not conform to their standards (not visiting baby early enough etc , wrong presents etc)

After years of appeasing her - the final straw came 3 years ago when she went into my brother's facebook account and deleted me as a friend from it. My brother believed her when she said it was me . It was our only contact by that stage, however small. He said i did it as i was mentally unwell..!

I have been NC with him and her since - for 3 years - and my siblings took their side over mine and believed all her lies. She hated me, probably because she perhaps knew she had revealed herself to me, and she needed me gone.

I thought by NC I could shield myself from the pain- and although I mourned my brother her behaviour was so sinister I could not see any other way.

Over time she has shown her true colours to my sister , and they have fallen out. But for me the damage is done with my sister - i felt betrayed that she took her side against me.

Last autumn i took my elderly mum
To A and E after my SIL screamed at her in her own home and left her with a mini stroke. I came to visit 5 days after they left and I was so upset to see what had happened. I did not re engage with them to tell them as it just makes my life worse.

Last summer my nephew was visiting from another country and he was staying with them. SIL deliberately sabotaged his trip to see us by double booking him in the last minute. So spiteful, still.

SIL has been estranged from her own mother and brothers for a long time. I know she has had emotional trauma as a child.

The thing I want to know is how can, even though i am NC still feel so affected by her malevolence . I feel so unspeakably upset about her treatment of my mum, but feel silenced as it will only open a drama cycle. I feel such a strong sense of injustice how she can ruin lives and just get away with it.

I think it's understandable that you still feel affected by your SIL's behaviour as she's caused untold damage to your family relations. She sounds like a hateful human being and you did the right thing going NC.

I can also understand the hurt you must have felt when your sister chose to believe your SIL over you. This was a dreadful betrayal but just shows what a master manipulator your SIL must be. I get that the betrayal still hurts OP, but try to find it within yourself to forgive your DS and slowly rebuild your relationship. Don't let your anger and hurt maintain a hold over you. To forgive is to free yourself and find peace. Moreover, don't let this evil conniving woman win in her attempts to destroy your whole family. Hopefully your other siblings and brother will eventually open their eyes and realise what she's like.

I think you have to decide that you're not going to let her behaviour destroy any of your other relationships. Decide to let it wash over you and decide to believe that it will bite her back in the end.

I know that's hard. I know it must feel as though she is winning. But if you continue to let it upset you, then you'll never feel peace.

When something unpleasant happens to me, or I'm worried about something, I try to 'file it away' in my mind and blank out the thoughts. Possibly not a healthy tactic, but it helps me to get through some of the tougher times. Can you try that?

@WhenDovesFly @Gazelda

Thank you . I was so grateful for your kindness as I wasn't sure how my post was going to be received.

My sister wrote a "joint email" to me with my siblings at the time copied into my SIL. Outlining my wrong doings. It was horrific. I would love to build bridges with my sister but i have not heard a murmur of her being sorry, even though she has experienced my SIL now. And without her being sorry I am struggling to move past it. I can't pretend nothing happened like she does.She doesn't seem to self reflect.

It does feel like she has won. I feel she has crushed me. And what is more she has enjoyed it all.

No advice but just a sympathetic message as I have a similarly unpleasant potential future SIL 😭 I often get very upset about how she's deliberately ruining my brother's life chances and his relationships with all his friends and family, but I'm at a similar point to you where I know that anything I could say and do would just fuel her drama-loving antics.

It's hard. Lots of love ❤️

@thatheavyperson it is heart breaking isnt it

When the lights are off and all is quiet, these people don’t rejoice , actually they cry, they are in pain. No one who is happy would do as she has.
I would see her as the sad pathetic human she is, so toxic she has destroyed any chance of a happy family unit with you all. Once you change your view of her, you’ll be free. Nasty people don’t lead happy lives, they are incredibly sad all the time .

@Hotfootgoose thank you , such wise words, and much needed today.

How absolutely terrible.

@Hotfootgoose very wise words.

Unfortunately I think you are right to be very very wary of your sister.

Her actions were even worse and so unbelievably hurtful, it would be foolish to engage with her unless SHE spells out without prompting what she did wrong.

To do otherwise would be foolhardy.

These people are sadly everywhere but you have done the right thing by stepping away.

My friends SIL did similar and both her parents died telling their son that they forgave him for his decision at her behest to never see them.(He saw both his parents on their deathbed).

His wife has now died and he is raising two 10/12 year old children alone.

The siblings have rallied around him, but my friend struggles with it all.

He caused their wonderful parents 20 years of grief by bringing that awful woman into their family and she finds it very hard to bite her tongue as her parents shared their grief with her.

She uses her busy life as an excuse to manage the time she spends with him, but 2 years in, it is very hard.

Her parents are dead 10, and the pain remains.

I'm so sorry.

I have experienced something similar with my sister siding with a toxic person and her being their enabler to throw me and my family under the bus by smearing and then ostracising us which has been unbelievably painful for over 2 years now.

I could see that the toxic person is / was clearly mentally unstable - but the shock is the power and influence she had over others and how she managed to get my sister to do her dirty work.

Now it is my sisters time to have been turned on and excluded - and she has recently reached out to me - no acknowledgment of her NC - so I have not yet responded. I want my relationship back with my sister but I feel very betrayed and hurt by her behavior. Just not ready quite yet to reconnect which might make me as bad as her.

@Muppetshair it makes you sensible.

Actions have consequences.

You would be foolish to respond before she explains fully HER betrayal of YOU.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Someone who genuinely cared about you is not so easily ready to believe badly of you.

Someone who genuinely cared about you is not so easily ready to believe badly of you.

@billy1966 thankyou for your insights. I had not thought of it like that - it’s painful to not have realised this may have been the case. I feel a bit naive to have been so trusting and therefore so confused by her behaviour.

Especially when they've done this!

My sister wrote a "joint email" to me with my siblings at the time copied into my SIL. Outlining my wrong doings. It was horrific.

Bewildering and extremely hurtful. Hard to forgive. 🌹

I would write an email explaining what she did to your Mum to everyone in your family and on her Facebook Friends List to warn them what she’s like. Make a list. Then block your sil and brother and get on with your life. But I am extremely ruthless when it comes to behaviour like this.

I agree.

Horrific.

In your place you can choose to forgive for YOUR sake but just not re engage.

It's not about holding onto hurt, but more about the nature of betrayal.

When it is so completely awful, why would you ever put yourself in harms way again?

Trusting a person not to betray you is an integral part of a close relationship.

When that happens, the trust cannot be magiced up again.

It's gone for ever IMO.

The energy required to organise a collective email is so awful.

How nice that she has a small taste of how you felt, but nothing nearly as bad.

However awful this toxic person was towards you, knowing your own sibling would round up your other siblings to wound you is a whole other level of toxic.

Protect your would be my advice.

Sounds so bad so sorry this is happening to you xx

Do you know if your brother said anything about the screaming and causing the stroke? Is there any way of stopping your sil from being anywhere near your mum?

I imagine she will cause a shitshow if there's any inheritance situation in the future. I'd say do whatever you can to prevent her from impacting you in any way. If you can sort of preempt what she might do (like the double booking) then you might be able to prevent some things. It's totally shit, its like living in the shadows but you do what you can and you cope how you can. One day she will her share of bad luck x

@Zanina thank you.

I did discuss with mum about having an adult safeguarding referral but she thinks it will escalate the situation. Last time at Xmas my SIL and brother stayed with my mum for a week and did not exchange one word to her at all - I guess better than shouting.

The people that could step in and stop her behaviour are my siblings - but unfortunately relations with them are non existant and they will view it as me causing trouble.

I feel like I do live in the shadows. I feel panicked often. I get quite agrophobic in a room full of people I don't know. I feel like a shell of my former self.

The saddest thing is that i cannot deal with the invalidation if I tried to talk to any of my birth family about it - so I stay away from them and feel stuck

This, this and this. Your sister is the ultimate betrayal

The saddest thing is that i cannot deal with the invalidation if I tried to talk to any of my birth family about it - so I stay away from them and feel stuck

The issue is looking to the perpetrators to validate your feelings and experiences as a way to resolve your emotional injury. At best they will never admit what they did was wrong - they will have their own twisted irrational narrative - people who pull stunts like this have to double down to justify and defend their actions - at worst
engaging opens you up to further attack and onslaught.

You need to validate yourself, look inwards to examine your own intentions and values and stand strong in your stance and self belief. You will find implicit validation from new relationships with other emotionally healthy people once you pivot your life and focus away from seeking closure and comfort from your family of origin. Proactively fill your social life up with these types of acquaintances, colleagues, friends, hobbies etc to put in distance, distraction and dilution from your family and your own preoccupation with them.

It’s about getting to a place of acceptance which is painful with family as we expect and deserve more and we always live in relentless hope that they will ‘come good’ when actions show us that wasn’t happening.

They stayed with your mum for a week but didn't speak to her? That is outrageous and just makes her feel unsafe in her own home. Can you have your mum to stay with you?

This is elder abuse and should be reported.

Your poor mother is vulnerable and scared.

@billy1966 I agree fully.

My mother has forbade me from telling anyone and says it will make her more upset as it will mean she is completely cut off from her grandchildren

@determinedtomakethiswork to clarify my brother spoke to my mum but SIL did not utter one word to her for a week.

Broke her tumble drier by accident but didnt tell her and mum only found out when she tried to use it weeks later. Needed to find a bed sheet and threw everything on the floor in the airing cupboard leaving mum to pick them up when they had gone. Mum is 82.

My SIL is so malevolent. Her behaviour - I have never really seen anything like it.

@Muppetshair
Thank you for this. It is so helpful

When my sister periodically sends me a message asking to build a bridge, it is always with the tone I am holding a petty grudge and I am being childish.

It invalidates me all over again and I just wish and pray she will send me a proper heartfelt message - but she doesn't believe she has done anything wrong.

Toxic family dynamics are more common than one might think. It’s very upsetting but there is nothing you can do about other people’s behaviours. Some people thrive on creating chaos and drama. They are incapable of self-reflection.

The only way to deal with people like that is to stay away from them. They never change.

You could spend some time reading about these dynamics and learning to emotionally detach yourself. Emotional detachment and understanding that this is not your fault is an essential part of the healing process.

I have a highly toxic sister who destroys relationships and causes chaos wherever she goes. So I know where you’re coming from and what you’re dealing with.

It is pointless to engage with these people. They only ever cause misery and heartache.