My SIL

[candlewicket]

I am really in need of some advice.

I am feeling stuck and upset about a family situation. My brother, whom I have always been close to growing up , married someone who has caused absolute havoc in our family. She has lied, pitted us all against eachother, and broken up relationships.

Before I met her I really could not believe anyone could be so malevolent and spiteful.she used to throw away cards I sent him and give me incorrect timings about meet ups so I would be stood up.

I endured horrible verbal abuse from her (and later him) when I did not conform to their standards (not visiting baby early enough etc , wrong presents etc)

After years of appeasing her - the final straw came 3 years ago when she went into my brother's facebook account and deleted me as a friend from it. My brother believed her when she said it was me . It was our only contact by that stage, however small. He said i did it as i was mentally unwell..!

I have been NC with him and her since - for 3 years - and my siblings took their side over mine and believed all her lies. She hated me, probably because she perhaps knew she had revealed herself to me, and she needed me gone.

I thought by NC I could shield myself from the pain- and although I mourned my brother her behaviour was so sinister I could not see any other way.

Over time she has shown her true colours to my sister , and they have fallen out. But for me the damage is done with my sister - i felt betrayed that she took her side against me.

Last autumn i took my elderly mum
To A and E after my SIL screamed at her in her own home and left her with a mini stroke. I came to visit 5 days after they left and I was so upset to see what had happened. I did not re engage with them to tell them as it just makes my life worse.

Last summer my nephew was visiting from another country and he was staying with them. SIL deliberately sabotaged his trip to see us by double booking him in the last minute. So spiteful, still.

SIL has been estranged from her own mother and brothers for a long time. I know she has had emotional trauma as a child.

The thing I want to know is how can, even though i am NC still feel so affected by her malevolence . I feel so unspeakably upset about her treatment of my mum, but feel silenced as it will only open a drama cycle. I feel such a strong sense of injustice how she can ruin lives and just get away with it.

@Sicario thank you for your message.

I am finding it really hard to emotionally detach. How do I do it?

Even though they have treated me horribly I still miss and love my siblings. Some days are better than others and I have been whole weeks without being upset.

Then something triggers me - something I read about sisters or seeing a photo and it was like all the horror happened yesterday.

I wonder if it will be easier or harder when my parents pass away - I will have noone to remember my parents with when they have eachother.

I am the same.

This is the only way through though.

It’s excruciating even if it’s your choice because it’s grieving a huge and unnecessary and unnatural loss.

But they are still there and often visible through comments from others and social media even if you avoid it.

Important to have some self compassion for feeling heartbroken. Let the moment / wave pass through but actively fill your life with fulfilling people who show you respect and kindness - that’s how you fill yourself up with self worth.

I am 2 years in and still v sad at times - especially at any ‘family’ times in the year - xmas, Easter, birthdays etc and even Bank Holidays.

Be gentle with yourself - it’s not normal to have to suffer and tolerate such pain and behaviour.

I'm amazed. It's almost as if you're talking about my sil! I honestly thought it was just me and my family. Tried talking to friends and don't think I articulated it well what my issue was. 20 years of it and thought I was going crazy at one point. Had a few days of intense feelings and wasn't sure how to handle it so I thought it through, everything all the hurt why do I feel this way what is the point of this why is she like that(absolutely no idea, jealousy?), then I prayed about it, thought about what I might learn from the situation, I believe in predestination and God. If God has put this person in my life then maybe there is something I need to learn from it. Then I breathed it all out and let it all go, because I can't change others but o can change me. I'm guessing I had to learn to have boundaries and protect us from certain people . If I see her (hardly ever now) I will be civil. I never contact her ever anymore. I just keep in touch with db and dn as the rest of the children never hear from them anymore. I was feeling ok with it all. Keeping away from the toxicity keeping us as safe as possible. Then my father died and sil yep had to poke her nose in. Then my mother died and again I managed to stay calm and handle things at the time, but since then every so often I feel rage and upset about sil. I'm not sure why maybe menopause🤔😂. So now I've been reading mumsnet threads about cf and sil. I think it's helped me to know there are many out there who would cause harm so we should do what we can to keep ourselves and our families safe. I hope things improve for you. If your parents are still around spend as much quality time with them as you can. Make them happy and be happy with them.