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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

22 weeks pregnant feeling the other woman

33 replies

GL222 · 02/04/2023 19:47

Hi. Just wanted advice
So I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant and my partner lives 50 miles away
He has one other son and he was stopped from seeing him for two years by the baby mom and was granted part custody start of the year

Since this has happened - him and his ex have become best friends again
I barely see him but he spends time with her and his son and her other child and goes on family days out with them
He also speaks to her all the time behind my back about everything and even our problems
He also brings her up randomly.in conversations and has called me her name 3 or 4 times
I am so affected and bothered by this and he just doesn't understand and calls me crazy and insecure
I also asked if I could meet her and the children and she said no - even though my son is being born and would.be around her children but she doesn't want to meet me? I think she has deep routed feelings for him still

I feel so unheard and misunderstood - they both call me.crazy together bit I'm.pregnant and want to be included in my partners life and family! I have felt so alone in this pregnancy and he has prioritised her over me

The children yes - they should.be number one priority however he doesn't seem to care about how it makes me.feel them regularly spending so much time together and going on these fun days out when I feel like.im struggling home alone

The situation has broken me and I don't know how to cope anymore

OP posts:
Dj2020 · 02/04/2023 20:34

I'm 100% sure this is a relationship I wouldn't want to stay in. You deserve better and its awful being put down like that.

Daisydu · 02/04/2023 20:35

Nope, not ok. Leave him. Absolutely leave him.

Butterfly44 · 02/04/2023 20:54

End it. That's no relationship. It's like your the ow ....who will be left alone with the baby for sure.

Original poster
GL222 · 02/04/2023 21:34

Thanks everyone. I've never felt so alone and depressed when this should be the happiest time of my life. Its such a horrible feeling x

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 02/04/2023 22:03

Horrible man.
Speak to your midwife for support, he’s treated you dreadfully.
I think the advice here is to give the baby your surname and don’t put him on the birth certificate.
Make sure your midwife knows your situation so you can be supported as much as possible and by the health visitor after your baby is born.

SoInLuv · 02/04/2023 22:33

Dear OP,
I'll sorry to hear it all, also I'd give your partner a slapninnthe fave if I could. So sorry.
Where do I start?
Yes, children are priority and a father should spend time with them. All people I know who jave children with their exes (myself included and my new partner included)- do NOT spend time together with their ex, nothing ar all, zilch, nada. Just with the child(ren).
It is not fair on you, also, I'm very surprised that your partner clearly wants to be spending time on days out as a family with his ex....wow...this is crazy, totally unacceptable 😤
Your partner should only be present next to his ex together with their child if it's, say, the child's birthday in a public place. Also, all these chats behind your back, with his ex, are also totally unacceptable.
If I were you, if have a serious talk about it all, say how I feel, say how majority of people would agree with you that it's all so so wrong. If he refuses to change his ways then you'd be better off without him.

You deserve to have a partner who puts you first at the same time as putting (all of his) children first. One who would listen to how you feel and who'd want to make you feel loved.

Please talk to him..
All the best, OP.

Original poster
GL222 · 02/04/2023 22:44

Hi Thank you for your reply. He meets her regularly and today went out all day with her and the kids when I've been suffering with sickness at home. I rarely see him and he just calls me crazy and insecure. It really hurts and I've told him how i feel about it and that I really feel uncomfortable with it and he doesn't care and comtinues to do it anyway. It's so hard but I know I should leave it for good. The pain I feel I don't deserve especially pregnant. I'm the last on his priority list x

OP posts:
firsttimemum1230 · 02/04/2023 22:52

Oh I feel so so so bad for you,

i feel this my child’s dad does the same however I’ve met his other child’s mum though and we got on but I still think it’s too comfortable and they’d go on days without me and have done once and would do if they had to again which I put my foot down on and told him if he ever went out on a day out with them without me and our daughter again I’d end it and walk away. I lay there at night after their child would go to bed and she’d text.. why? I don’t know he didn’t open it. She rang me once to ask me something and then he was ringing her mid day while I was on the phone and it was to talk about my business.

My advice to you would be set boundaries, stick to them. Make it clear what you don’t agree with and LEAVE if it carries on and continues. Children come first but adults/partners always need to be respected.

Thelifeofawife · 02/04/2023 22:52

OP there seems to be more to this than meets the eye. It sounds like they are playing happy families and then he’s coming home and gaslighting you.

He should be wanting to spend time with his son and you, as you will soon be a family, not his ex, son and her other child! Obviously if he was part of the other child’s life when he was with his ex I can understand wanting to make time for them, but he should be taking the 2 children out himself not with her.
I’ve a great co-parent relationship with my sons dad, and yes we spent time together on days out before either of us was in a relationship, but since then it’s just things specifically for our son (birthday, school stuff, etc)

You need to speak to him and let him know how inappropriate his behaviour is, in particular him discussing your relationship with his ex.
Does he intend to carry this on when your baby is born?!
If he does not stop then you really need to think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.
It would be better for you to be a single parent than be an outsider in your own relationship.

Original poster
GL222 · 02/04/2023 23:02

Thank you- this has been going on for months and I've mentioned it so many times how much he's crossing the line and how bad its affecting me
I don't trust it. I don't see why he has to spend time with her but he says because he wants to see her other son - however she stopped him seeing them for years and now it's like she knows he has moved on and when found out I was pregnsnt they've been best friends again. He's always talking to her and I know she doesn't like me..I just have a gut feeling something is going on. Its not normal to do this

OP posts:
Original poster
GL222 · 02/04/2023 23:03

Thank you I agree.. I've mentioned it over and over again how much it bothers me and he just calls me insecure and that he basically doesn't give a crap and will continue to do so as he's spending time with his kids..its not the spending time with the kids. It's spending time with his ex when I am at home struggling with my pregnancy And feeling unsupported. Aswell as him talking to her about everything and anything all the time. It is so disrespectful

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/04/2023 23:47

Just no
no no
i know this is THE worst time as hugely vulnerable

but time to retreat and lean on friends and family
this is only going to get you hurt so leave him and baby mama to it x

Viviennemary · 02/04/2023 23:53

Your partner lives 50 miles away from you. That is not good now there is a baby on the way. Do you think there is a chance he is getting back withmhis ex now theynp are seeing a lot of each other. That is what I would suspect given what you have said. Does he live near his ex.

Copperoliverbear · 03/04/2023 00:04

I'd be off, you'd be better off without him he's making you unhappy x

Original poster
GL222 · 03/04/2023 08:49

Yes they live closer to eachother than me. I am cutting contact with him today. I can't take anymore x

OP posts:
Greenvelvet93 · 03/04/2023 08:51

So sorry your going through this. Take the bull by the horn and ask her if they are together!

PapadamPreach · 03/04/2023 09:01

It’s a shitty situation, but what are you hoping to get from this thread that you haven’t gotten from the others you’ve started?

Four weeks ago, you wanted to leave him.
Three weeks ago, he left you.

Now you’ve taken him back? Why? He doesn’t love you, he’s not interested in the new baby, and you think he’s abused your dog.

What are you willing to do to change this situation?

talkitup · 03/04/2023 09:07

GL222 · 03/04/2023 08:49

Yes they live closer to eachother than me. I am cutting contact with him today. I can't take anymore x

Stay strong; ultimately you will be happier without him and his psychological gas lighting antics. Wishing you and your baby well.

Original poster
GL222 · 03/04/2023 09:33

Hi - I have been stupidly trying my hardest for the sake of my child and for the family I always wanted. He is a gaslighter and he's not treated me very well throughout my pregnancy. The ex has been in his life again since January and this has made the situation 10 times worse. He just does not care about me or my feelings and I need to realise that. He isn't nice to my dogs either. Thar should of been a red flag to start with . I admit I have been very weak.i think I feel so vulnerable and alone right now. Its very difficult

OP posts:
Scoobydoobywho · 03/04/2023 09:38

I wouldn't be surprised if his ex tries to cut him out of her and their kids lives once you break up with him. Then see him scurrying back to you begging for you to take him back, it was all a mistake blah blah bloody blah.

SoInLuv · 03/04/2023 09:49

Morning @GL222 , I posted on here last night and now read other ppl's replies. Yes, you should leave him, but like I said, try to talk to him for the last time. He should only be around his ex if it's birthdays and you're there as well as other ppl like friends and family, school stuff like sports day etc.
As others have said, it doesn't look good, too much is going on. The constant chats on the phone with her....no. No way.

You are suffering now but after every storm there's a bright day ahead ✨️ 💛

Howtostart · 03/04/2023 12:49

How has this pregnancy happened ? Was he always living 50 miles away or is this a recent development.? What was he's reaction to the pregnancy. ? I am assuming it wasn't planned.. (my assumption so feel free to put me right)

Could this be a way of him getting you to dump him ? Without looking the bad guy ...?

CoddledAsAMommet · 03/04/2023 13:03

I think he's already dumped you but forgotten to mention it.
You say you feel alone - that's because you are. Just get on with your life and forget about him. You, he and the baby will all be better for it.

Original poster
GL222 · 03/04/2023 17:12

He's always lived that far. He's the one who wanted another child he begged me and wanted me to keep it he was so happy. For him to just completely break me and push me away and treat me limw this whilst pregnant

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 03/04/2023 18:27

I'm glad you are cutting contact. You do not need any man who calls you crazy in your life.

Good luck with the pregnancy. I'd split up with my ex before I even knew I was pregnant (so not the same), but I think it is much easier to be a single mother than to have someone negative in your life.