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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hardly anyone likes me.

54 replies

Pingu1uk · 02/04/2023 18:25

I'm so depressed! (I'm trying to get a counsellor but whenever I ring one they are fully booked) since I was little I seem to annoy people. I didn't start school until I was around 10 years of age as I travelled with my family growing up. I have had friends but I got bullied by other girls at secondary school on my looks, voice etc. I even got bullied a bit in college. I have worked with animals since college and qualified as a vet nurse (currently work as one) since having my daughter 2.5 years ago I have put on loads of weight, and do not take care of myself the same as before. I have zero confidence, analyse every conversation and I'm miserable. I started a Job after having my daughter and I left cos I kept making mistakes and thought everyone thought I was stupid. I started working as a vet nurse again in a very small branch surgery. The main receptionist came across very hard and like she didn't like me. I tried to think positive and work through it but I read something she had put about me (shouldn't have been made visible but it was) and it crushed me. My work had a big meeting about it and the receptionist had a load of things she wasn't happy about written down. My work said it was 100% inappropriate on her part. And wanted me to take it further (think the girl had caused trouble for years, previous to me) but I didn't as I dont want people told off. But I was crushed. I just feel like I'm stupid and don't know what to do as I need a job to afford life! I try and be nice to people but I annoy everyone. I don't know how to be liked? I don't want my daughter having to be embarrassed by me :( i have miscarried twice in the last 6 months also so I just feel completely fatigued. Don't even know what I'm asking. Just wanted to rant maybe :(

OP posts:
Beaverbridge · 02/04/2023 21:46

You sound lovely. You're obviously a caring person to work in the field you do. Don't be so hard on yourself. 💐.

JeanieJo · 02/04/2023 21:52

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. Please take a moment to appreciate all the good things about yourself and also make time to do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Dogsitterwoes · 02/04/2023 22:07

If you are a qualified vet nurse, you are very far from stupid, so stop putting yourself down about that. The receptionist sounds like a known trouble maker, your employers had your back, so they value you.

I've been bullied a lot in my life and at times felt very like you do now. I think I may be neurodiverse and can inadvertently rub people up the wrong way, which if someone is not a nice person, means they take advantage of that. It's them, not you, honest.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/04/2023 22:38

Have you looked at ' Better Help' ? This is a source for online counselling.

Lmber · 02/04/2023 22:42

I think bullies target those with low self esteem. Focus on improving that first. Be kind to yourself. I have recently come to the conclusion nobody really likes anybody that much. They sometimes like you, they sometimes don't. The secret is not to care.

SaltyDogLife · 03/04/2023 00:43

FFS with the surgery in Turkey and do you like exercise comments!!
Op's issues are mental health but on fatphobic MN this is what you jump on first. Christ almighty what is wrong with people?!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/04/2023 01:35

Another saying your confidence is so heartbreakingly low
you sound lovely but like your self esteem is rock bottom and you need some help

also agree that a decent therapist works wonders

basically you sound great but you need some help getting unstuck

BleepBipBoop · 03/04/2023 02:23

DigitalTranny · 02/04/2023 18:40

Are you for real? Why would she have weight loss surgery? Most people manage to lose weight naturally. If you have weight loss surgery then you’ll never learn healthy eating habits. It’s cutting corners for lazy people. Besides, it can have its dangers.
I can’t believe your stupid advice.

Tell me you are completely ignorant and know nothing about the science of obesity without telling me you are completely ignorant and know nothing about the science of obesity.

BloomForever · 03/04/2023 05:00

Jesus, I admit I've only heard the bad reports of weight loss surgery in turkey. How did you find the after care, pain relief etc (only if you don't mind me asking obviously, no judgement here)

I think @Pingu1uk issues are going a lot deeper than her appearance though.

@Pingu1uk to me you're inspirational! You qualified as a vet nurse, you know thats not an easy job to get. You certainly aren't stupid. The receptionist seems to be being really harsh. I'd take no notice unless your boss agreed with any of her points. But I'm really shy aswell so I can see why you feel it's easier to leave.

who else do you think you annoy? We might be able to help?
I'm so sorry for your miscarriages aswell. Your hormones will be going crazy as the Dr said. Please take some time for yourself if you can.

please keep us updated, or my inbox is open, even if you want to talk about completely unrelated things. 💐

GretaGood · 03/04/2023 05:48

Have you done any ADHD tests- I struggled with people, I think it was the masking - don’t actually know what I do wrong.

JorisBonson · 03/04/2023 06:17

No wonder people call MN toxic. Poor OP is going through the mill but apparently weight loss surgery will fix it 😒

Good luck on your journey OP, sounds like you're taking some good steps.

StopStartStop · 03/04/2023 06:38

I am worried I am pushing my husband away by being miserable.

Ban that thought from your mind. People stay if they want to, go if they want to. Perfect wives have husbands who leave (then blame everything on the wife), average and other wives also have husbands who are unfaithful or leave in some other way. Get on with being you, and focus on what makes you happy.

Notanothernewname · 03/04/2023 06:56

You've had a lot to deal past trauma of bullying tends to rear its ugly head at times. You're a vet nurse,you're not stupid and it's one of the hardest but most rewarding jobs (we put our precious animals in your care). We all make mistakes, I kept getting an account locked at work (the same one each time) repeat this about 5 times in one week I felt like a failure.

You don't need surgery, surgery should be a last resort. You need to be kind to yourself,I doubt you're disliked like you think and you need to stop thinking like that, that's your childhood bully talking.

When I feel down or depressed I put some music on and go out for a walk, sit on a bench and just watch the world go by. It's as good as therapy sometimes.

MissMaple82 · 03/04/2023 06:59

Chowtime · 02/04/2023 18:33

Think seriously about having weight loss surgery. You can get it done in Turkey for £3k which will basically pay for itself before a year is up.

Then think seriously about working for yourself on a self employed basis. VET nurses should have quite a few options.

I did those two things thats why I recommend them. it worked for me and raised my self esteem.

No, just no!!!!

MissMaple82 · 03/04/2023 07:01

SaltyDogLife · 03/04/2023 00:43

FFS with the surgery in Turkey and do you like exercise comments!!
Op's issues are mental health but on fatphobic MN this is what you jump on first. Christ almighty what is wrong with people?!

Actually excercise is recommended for mental health. It's actually far more effective than anti depressant pills. The turkey comment was just stupid though

Rogdog · 03/04/2023 07:04

@Pingu1uk

Work relationships are hard. I’ve recently returned to work and very much tried to have the attitude of 1) try not to take anything to heart and be positive in every interaction I have (even if I’m acting) 2) stay out of work politics 3) do my bit, earn my money, focus on the reason I enjoy my job (which generally isn’t my work colleagues) - and go home to my children who I truly love.

It’s taken me a long time to ‘let go’ of being liked - and to stop caring. And I think if I am ‘liked’ the biggest difference has been letting go, and making every interaction positive.

MissMaple82 · 03/04/2023 07:06

OP I think you should look into CBT Therapy. Also see your GP, they can refer you for talking therapy. In the mean time start some positive talking to yourself, fake it till you make it, its half the battle. And begin a gentle excercise routine, nothing major, it will boost your mood and confidence, win win! I think you sound lovely x

gloriousmulch · 03/04/2023 07:10

Life sounds stressful OP, not helped by this pain in the arse woman at work. At least you know she’s caused problems before so her attitude towards you isn’t a marker of your general likeability. Agree with others that your self esteem is the thing to work on - not easy & a slow process, particularly when you have a tendency to over-analyse, but small steps and focus will hopefully help. Sounds like you want to get your fitness up a bit too, so bits and pieces of exercise (e.g. walking…swimming?) could help.
Absolutely don’t have weight loss surgery!
Hang on in there.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/04/2023 07:28

Guys let’s leave the surgery comment
the poster has explained why she said it (and I think was kind intentions )

and it’s derailing from the good support op is getting

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 07:53

Sometimes, bullies target those with low self esteem (they recognise it in the things people say, they way they carry themselves etc). Sometimes, they resent someone else's self assuredness and set out to 'bring them down a peg or two'. Sometimes, they see something in you that they are jealous of and it makes them feel inadequate. Sometimes, they launch their shit on everyone and wait to see where it sticks. Then they go back there for more. Sometimes, they back off when people stand up for themselves and sometimes they just up the ante.

Sometimes, people bully because they are unhappy and feel powerless in their own lives and this is how they improve their own self esteem. Sometimes, they bully because they have complete confidence in themselves and feel threatened when someone doesn't automatically agree/support them. When you realise that their confidence is actually quite fragile. And sometimes they're just not very nice people who hate the world and everyone in it for their own insecurities and perceived inadequacies.

When someone is bullied, it is solely the responsibility of the bully and never the fault of the victim. I'm sure there are people you don't like but you don't bully them do you? You just leave them alone to get on with their lives.

Start to realise this. It can be anything. You had support from your workplace to take it further but chose not to. That's fine! But they clearly like and support you.

You have a husband and a child. Unless he's a complete areshole to you, he likes you!

The problem is that we all experience confirmation bias. If you believe you are likeable, you see evidence all around you that you are likeable. That doesn't mean everyone likes you but you filter out and don't care about the ones who don't. If you believe you are unlikeable, you will find evidence of that all around you. It doesn't mean that no one likes you but that you filter out the evidence from those who do and only see the evidence that people don't.

As for weightloss, when you start to feel better about yourself, you believe you are worthwhile and valuable and you begin to make better choices for yourself. You care about yourself a bit more.

What self care do you do? What do you do that makes you feel good in and about yourself? One thing I do is start each day with a cup of tea in the garden. I can hear the birds singing, I can smell the morning air, and it sets me up for a good day.

Could you take a day off for yourself? Take yourself out somewhere? Have lunch? A coffee? Take a notebook with you and write down the things you like about yourself.

If that's hard, start with things that feel easier like - I have nice feet or I am loyal. Once you start, it becomes easier.

Then write down the things you'd like to improve about yourself. But word them positively eg I would like to be a healthy size/weight; I make healthy food choices rather than I'm fat or I need to lose weight.

Flip it in your head and change your mental perspective. The facts won't have changed but your perspective and mindset will. You'll find the fire in your belly to think, "fuck it!" And that will power you.

Sorry it's so long - speaking from personal experience

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2023 08:00

MissMaple82 · 03/04/2023 07:01

Actually excercise is recommended for mental health. It's actually far more effective than anti depressant pills. The turkey comment was just stupid though

Yep, exercise, even just walking, especially in the outside does wonders for your mental health.

As does drinking water and eating well (vitamins and minerals).

This obviously doesn't work where mental health is caused by chemical imbalances etc but when it's generalised life shit getting on top of you, it works wonders.

SaltyDogLife · 03/04/2023 09:01

A walk or a bit of running is all well and good when you are a bit stressed at work but when you have a serious mental illness no amount of work out is going to fix your brain. There are depressed and suicidal athletes. The way it was asked so casually and straight after the weight comment it sounded like it was asked as a way for her to lose weight judging by the sentence that came before it.

80s · 03/04/2023 09:08

My work said it was 100% inappropriate on her part. And wanted me to take it further (think the girl had caused trouble for years, previous to me)
Everyone else except for this one notorious trouble-maker was on your side, but your mind has filtered that out and turned it into further proof that nobody likes you. Funny how this is easy to spot in someone else! My social anxiety is much, much better than when I was younger; I can live a normal social life now. But I still have the odd moment now and then, and I remember this very well!
Counselling was a massive help for me too; I only wish I'd had it sooner. Make sure you find a counsellor you feel comfortable with. Don't be put off if it doesn't click first time.

NessVan · 03/04/2023 09:14

I was feeling overwhelmed years and years ago about uni or something and someone I was venting to said,

" How do you eat an elephant? " I was a little confused but curious and asked how? He said,

" One bite at a time".

At the time this was so helpful to think about, it made me stop looking at the (seemingly) colossal task ahead of me and focus on doing one small thing at a time.

Silly, but it might help. If not maybe it'll give you a giggle x

stayathomer · 03/04/2023 09:23

I disagree so much with the poster who says about weight loss surgery, I think the whole project of getting put for walks/swims/cycles/ runs, eating healthy, sounds like a project you need! Op congrats on finding those jobs, it was a pity you were working with awful people, it happens, and is everything to do with them and not you. Animals are the best place to work to pick you up so if you can stick with it I honestly think it would help. And we all make mistakes, the difference is others (not me, I’m the same as you and overthink things), just move forward after them. Sorry things have been difficult, enjoy time with your daughter and yourself- pamper yourself, find some good books and shows or try something new like art. You are no less worthy than any other person out there and deserve to be happy. Everyone does x

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