Should I tell his new partners he is abusive?

[FallgriefsGirlfriends]

I’ll begin by saying I have no wish to, but I wonder about my moral obligation. I want to know what people think.

I ended a relationship with quite a seriously abusive man. Only after ending it did I come into contact with his ex who said the same thing happened to her. She apologised for not warning me, she thought he might change. So now I know he is a life-long abuser. We both had long relationships with him, and there are children involved. He seriously impacted both our lives.

I have been trying to disappear and grey rock and we are not now in contact. I don’t like to think of him, even. I would not by choice tell any new partners. But, I wonder if I have a moral obligation. It makes me uneasy to think of the next person being taken in. If his ex had told me I would have listened.

What’s your view?

Nope. I won’t be telling any of my exes new partners. I don’t police other people’s relationships.

I'd report it so it is on record for Claires Law. I'm not sure whether a new partner would believe you.

Nope. I done this years ago and the woman accused me of all sorts. Will never do that again.

Also you are not responsible for your exes behaviour and it’s not your job to protect others

No point. His new partner won't believe you. Even if she did ask him about anything you said he'll portray you as the crazy jealous ex.

You say you'd have listened had his ex told you but would you really?? It's easy to say that now with the benefit of hindsight but when your relationship was new & he was still on his best behaviour I bet you wouldn't have.

I'd do it. What he put you through, he'll do it to someone else.

I think I would have listened after the first abusive incident, which was early on. These guys work by making a fake reality and that would have punctured it.

Is he going to come up on Claire's Law? If so I'd send an anonymous note asking her to run the check for her own safety

@cassiatwenty he definitely will do it to whoever is next, he can’t do otherwise

Soneone said that it's not your job to protect others but that, by fact, is not anyone's job. If you spare someone the hell you went through, doesn't that help someone else?

I wouldn't actively seek her out, but I would spare her the pain had I met her.

You can't grey rock someone abusive, when has that ever worked???

I was (and still am) too frightened of him to even apply for a Claire’s law disclosure. I sometimes wonder if I should make a statement, but I’m terrified they’ll contact him.

Were police involved?

I think it puts you at risk, to be honest. You may be out of contact now, but if you're involving yourself in his future relationships, you're motivating him to come after you again.

It also means you're keeping him in your headspace, which may not be good for you.

It'll fuel a "crazy ex" narrative for him.

I would certainly tell the truth if anyone asked, but seeking out his partners seems a dangerous enterprise.

@category12 that is so useful, thank you. I might have that as my policy (in fact I think it might be that at the moment, but you have articulated it). He’s so frightening. It does upset me to think of him doing it to someone new. But there are loads of them out there, not just him, I suppose. And I can’t be a vigilante, I need to be safe.

Right, well first heal yourself and if you feel it will cause more stress while you are healing, that's more important (to heal)

It makes sense you're terrified otherwise it wouldn't be bravery.

Other people have to have their experiences and learn their own lessons. The most important thing is you heal, and then decide if it's worth it or not.

Sending you hugs xxxx 🌷

They will contact him. You can't just make a statement for the purposes of CL
It's for disclosing convictions/cautions etc. If you make a statement you're then reporting domestic abuse by him which will need to be followed up with a view to charging him.

All that's likely to do is reinforce his ability to label you the crazy ex

While you're thinking this with the best intentions do you really want to open this can of worms.

Hes no longer your problem

Thank you, that is kind. I am worried he is a psychopath— actually. Not just a bad egg.

Well, I am very glad if I can not say anything and it is not morally wrong. I needed to ask other women, I think.

Just get away from him and stay away from him.

If at some point in the future you want to make a complaint against him you can, but you do not have to and, importantly, you do not owe it to anyone - your mental health and your personal safety are paramount.

The responsibility for his actions lies solely with him.

If you can do it safely then yes you should.

My sisters ex was an abuser. I told his next victim BUT I wasn’t frightened of him and I knew that she was safe and out of his reach.
I would not have wanted my sister to take any risks with her personal safety or to put herself in danger in any way.
I felt a moral obligation to call him out, however you shouldn’t do anything that makes you unsafe.

Poor you, op. It sounds awful. I know you must worry about his next partner. But just going by the threads on here, I don't think there'd be any women who would listen to an ex.
Maybe, if in time you are stronger, or far away, you could report him to the police.

@FairlySane what happened? Did she listen? Did he retaliate?

Honestly I think you should keep well out of it. Firstly I'm not sure she'd listen, secondly (and worse) she may tell him then you are back to square one (almost) with him on your case again. I think you should avoid the whole scenario and get on with your life. Well done on leaving him - build on that strength for youself.

Why don’t you get in touch with a woman’s domestic violence charity and speak to them about your concerns. They will be better at giving you good advice about whether to report it or inform the new partner. Maybe they can do it for you anonymously?(If that’s what you want to do). They may also give you more support either way. Take care.

That’s a good idea, thanks