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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Married with feelings for someone else

27 replies

DoughnutCare · 02/04/2023 12:21

Good afternoon mums,

I was hoping to get a bit of advice on here as I don’t have any close friends that i can talk to about this.

I joined a local gym back in January as I’m desperate to lose my baby weight and get back to pre-pregnancy weight (home workouts weren’t working for me). The guy who manages the gym is actually one of my childhood / primary school friends and runs the classes there, which at the time I didn’t think much of.

Anyway, we’ve been chatting and catching up between workouts as old school friends do I guess, and I seem to have developed feelings for him. I never use to have a crush on him at school, so the feelings have surprised me and caught me off guard.

To add to that we’re both married, around 5 years each. I feel uncomfortable that I am having thoughts and feelings about someone else whilst I am married. It also makes me have doubts about my relationship with husband, because is it normal to have feelings for someone else, especially in a short space of time?

I have wondered whether I should change gyms, but it’s super convenient to get there, and almost half the price of the other one that is local to me. I’m not sure if that is my only option here..

I’m also contemplating whether I should go to see a counsellor about this, and try to make sense of my thoughts / feelings.

I know the phrase “get over it”, but it’s a lot more difficult to put into practice.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

OP posts:
BIWI · 02/04/2023 12:22

Get over it.

That's all the advice you need.

SaltyDogLife · 02/04/2023 12:24

Change gyms. It'll be more inconvenient and expensive to separate.
Therapy for a casual crush seems OTT but if you mean to work out other issues in your marriage or about your life, then yes that's a good idea.
Make more effort with your husband.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 12:28

You either need to put a lid on this or change gyms.

It would be a good idea to look at what you think is lacking in your marriage - what it is this man could give that your husband isn't.

You haven't mentioned the state of your marriage, so I assume no drip-feed is on the way about your husband treating you badly - but even if this is so, you need to fix it or leave the marriage without involving third parties.

YouJustDoYou · 02/04/2023 12:37

BIWI · 02/04/2023 12:22

Get over it.

That's all the advice you need.

This.

Tomkirkman · 02/04/2023 12:38

Been there. Though I am not married, I am in a LTR. I worked with him on a project. The minute I realised I had feelings I played the scenario in my head. It wasn’t good. I created distance. Kept everything very professional, no catching up. Not telling him why I was withdrawing. Just stepped right back and I am over it. Not sharing chats and personal information, no hanging around to talk to eachother. The physical distance’s definitely helped create the emotional distance.

You are enjoying someone seeing you as a person. Not a mum or a wife. So it’s unlikey to just disappear. If it was a mild crush you wouldn’t be posting.

So if doesn’t disappear, what happens? An afffair? Both leave your spouses? Potentially see you child only half the week. Step parent to any he has. 2 really pissed off exs. Anything you plan has to be planned around each set of kids and the exs. The kids knowing why life is that way?

At which point, he will see you as his partner and a mother and step mother. The shiny new relationship be ones everyday life and he doesn’t see you the same way as he does, chatting in the gym. Then what? You both find someone new who sees you as an individual, because they aren’t sharing your everyday life?

Leave the gym. Cut contact. The reasoning you have for staying is just excuses as to why you should stay.

CambsAlways · 02/04/2023 12:38

What would you say if your husband posted the same thing!

ddd20102010 · 02/04/2023 12:38

Change gyms. Also make more of an effort with your husband. It is not worth the heartache of an affair which it wherecit sounds to be heading. Well done for putting a stop to it. I think a lot of us have been tempted over the course of our marriages. Kids, day to day drudgery. I look at people whose families have been torn apart by affairs, imo it is never worth it.

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 12:40

BIWI · 02/04/2023 12:22

Get over it.

That's all the advice you need.

agreed

you are making it into something

dont make it into anything

It dosn't need threads on MN, or counselling, or even thinking about

grow up

get over it

KateFeather · 02/04/2023 12:42

Never return to this gym.

Phoenixrising2020 · 02/04/2023 12:43

At least half the attraction is that you are unavailable to each other. Dull practicalities have little place in romance and part of being married is actually choosing to love someone.

I would consider leaving the gym and taking up running or something else, you can tell your husband you're saving up for a treat for the two of you.

Feelings aren't reality and your marriage is grounded in that. Just stop giving it oxygen and it will fade, though it may be uncomfortable for a while, it is likely to be worth it.

I wish you well with it, life is complicated, but we do have free will.

Dery · 02/04/2023 12:51

Tbh, I think it’s normal to develop attractions to other people despite being married. The vow about forsaking all others would mean nothing if we immediately ceased to register other people’s attractiveness. The point of commitment is that we value our partner and our relationship with them too much to allow our relationship to be derailed by a passing attraction to someone else. That’s what demonstrates the strength of your love for your H and your commitment to your relationship. If you feel more comfortable going to another gym, then do so but don’t fret too much about these feelings. You’re not proposing to act on them so it’s fine.

Dery · 02/04/2023 12:54

And I completely agree with @Phoenixrising2020 re this:

“At least half the attraction is that you are unavailable to each other. Dull practicalities have little place in romance and part of being married is actually choosing to love someone.”

Gym guy is shiny and new; if he was the person you were going through the daily grind with, then your H would look shiny and new. It’s no more than that.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2023 12:56

Up to you. Carry on as you are, change gyms or have a fling with him.

B0g · 02/04/2023 12:58

If your husband told you he fancies the woman at his hobby and he's been catching up with her between hobby sessions-whatever you'd say to him, do that.

merryhouse · 02/04/2023 13:02

The thing about getting married is that you undertake not to do anything with anyone else.

No matter what you may feel, no matter what you may want to do. You've announced your intention to stick with this one person. The church marriage service describes it as "forsaking all other", and that's exactly what you have to do.

Recognise that you fancy this guy, and do nothing about it. It really is as simple as that.

Markasread · 02/04/2023 13:04

I'd hope my husband would change gyms. Divorces and broken hearted children have a lot of hidden expenses.

Choconut · 02/04/2023 13:15

It's perfectly normal but you need to put a stop to the chats and catch ups between work outs now. If you can't do that whilst staying at that gym then you'll have to move to another. You also need to make more effort with your marriage.

Violet90 · 02/04/2023 14:23

It’s normal, you won’t only ever be attracted to one man for your entire life. It doesn’t sound like it’s in affair territory anyway.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 02/04/2023 14:28

You have a crush, it happens from time to time, even in marriages. The key is to not let it get out of control and focus on your husband and family.

Change the time your going to the gym or change gyms entirely.

Move on with your life.

Flyingticket · 02/04/2023 14:32

It’s perfectly normal to have feelings for other people when you are married.

And now you have to choose how to handle it. PP put it well, ‘ carry on as you are, change gyms, approach him to have an affair’ These are your choices. The latter has huge consequences for you and others.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 02/04/2023 14:33

Apologies, just read and see he manages the gym.

Move gyms or just back off.

If it makes you feel any better, my current boss is fit as is a guy who works for me. We all get on and I can't say I've not thought about it BUT my heart is with my husband. So I would never ever ever take it beyond a thought and make sure to stay professional.

okayah · 02/04/2023 14:37

Google "Limerance" - I'm sure that's what you are feeling

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 02/04/2023 14:44

Carry on OP and you are on the rocky road to hell taking your husband and the other guy's wife and children with you.
It's your choice.

Whatthefnow · 02/04/2023 14:44

If your husband was in your shoes, what would you expect him to do, what would be the right thing to do.

Do that.

something2say · 02/04/2023 14:49

No need to go over board.

These things happen. To all of us. It's chemistry and it is going to continue to happen. You can't run away every time.

I wouldn't change gym, no way. I would behave and wait for it to pass. It WILL pass. It is not comfortable though. Just draw right back and wait.