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Original poster

Romance - Advice Needed Please....

36 replies

stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:05

Right, so we have been to our 4th Relationship Counsellor session and we are trying to move on from dh's affair from last year and we are trying to concentrate on our relationship. The counsellor says that we need to be more romantic with each other because I seem to be totally focusing on the dc's and dh is just totally into his work. She asked us what would be romantic and I say justing spending time together, talking, listening and dh says going out for a meal and the counsellor just groans and rolls her eyes saying we have no idea how to be romantic. She says romance is all about gestures, like doing something small for the other person. Sooo, I am looking for some advice on what everyone else believes romance is. Quite timely really considering the date tomorrow... All comments/advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:22

Run him a bath and have him a drink waiting when he gets home from work

TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:22

Give him a nice massage, without him having to ask.

posieflump · 13/02/2008 16:23

waking someone up with a cup of coffee

TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:25

Sitting and watching his favourite Tv show without complaining, even though it might be the most boring programme you ever watched!!

TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:25

Wear one of shirts to bed, men secretly like that

Original poster
stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:27

TFM - Good advice - I do have a drink ready for him when I know he is coming home. I def should pay more attention to things that he likes and I dont (such as cricket - yawn!) will try.

OP posts:
Baffy · 13/02/2008 16:29

Agree with TimeforMe

Or if you make a nice meal (when dc's are in bed) open his favourite wine, candles on the table, put your favourite music on in the background
(music for me often triggers memories, so I'd choose something from a holiday/occasion that you both loved)

I used to love it when H would open the door to me after a long day at work with a glass of wine in his hand just for me

Small things, like a note or text message saying how much you love them and how special they are

Going out of your way to do things you know they love, whatever it may be (bath with candles, massage, favourite meal/breakfast, cup of tea in the morning etc)

TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:31

I also think respecting his need for a little space when he first gets home from work is a good one. I always allow my DP a good half hour of quiet time before i try initiating and kind of real conversation. I find i've got his attention once he has mentally 'downloaded' from his day at work

Original poster
stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:33

Thanks Baffy - dh is due home sometime Friday (he is away alot) and I have arranged a babysitter (something we never did and our oldest ds is 8) and we are going out for a meal. I am really looking forward to getting dressed up for a change.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:33

In fact, respecting his need for space 'full stop' is a good one too, not expecting him to spend every spare moment with you, each of you having your own interests. Doing your own thing then meeting up afterwards is good

McDreamylove · 13/02/2008 16:34

Messages are really romantic, Dh used to send me cards all the time before we were married spilling out his feelings....they were lovely and sooooooooo personal. Carried on for a while after we got married but fizzled out....I am as much to blame!

I remember lighting tealights and blowing bubbles all the way up the stairs to the bedroom the night DH came home from a 4 month deployment - I thought it was just a small gesture, a bit of fun but he thought it was fantastic!!!

Original poster
stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:35

TFM - I think one of my problems is that, because I was with the dc's all the time, when dh came home I expected him to take over right away. You are right that he needs time to himself aswell.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:35

When DP has to go away I hide a nice little card in his overnight back with a little message on it from me and DD.
He hates being away from home and it does seem to perk him up a bit.

TillyScoutsmum · 13/02/2008 16:36

Take notice of things he likes and get them for him occasionally.. don't have to be expensive ..maybe just a particular choccy bar or something and pop it into his bag with a little note for him to see at work

Most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me is when dp sourced and bought pasteurised cheeses at Xmas when I was pg and missing out. I never would have believed cheese could be romantic, but it was just the fact that he firstly listened to what I could and couldn't eat and then made the effort to find them

Baffy · 13/02/2008 16:37

Meal sounds lovely and just what you need.

I always find after a few drinks we can really relax and open up. Having a laugh away from the pressures at home helps you remember why you love them in the first place.

A good tip from my own experience, is when ds was first born and we used to force ourselves to go out so that the grandparents could have some time with him and we could have quality time together, we'd always miss him so much we'd talk about him all night! Not good for a romantic evening!

So I always found that if you start talking about things from before the dc's arrived, holidays, concerts, nights out, birthdays etc etc it forces you to steer the conversation away from the children and focus on you as a couple. Then you can talk about future plans, both as a couple and as a family. And it makes the evening so much more about you and what you both like/want.

TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:37

That is totally understandable. I feel exactly the same actually but, I restrain myself Its all part and parcel of the 'work' it takes to keep a relationship together

FWIW I now enjoy having my own space as much as I enjoy giving DP his.

Original poster
stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:37

Counsellor also suggested I get my own interests so I have joined a keep fit class and go out at least twice a week. I have noticed a big difference in me already (and so has dh )

OP posts:
MascaraOHara · 13/02/2008 16:38

little notes.
the odd flirty (or romantic) text.
soft lighting and music with a couple of bottles of wine
book a holiday together and do the whole moonlit walk on the beach etc could you get away for a long weekend without the children? could you book it as a surprise? etc

ZippiBabes · 13/02/2008 16:39

i think having kind of in jokes between you is romantic

so you can say something and give each other a knowing look

TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:39

I hope you are writing all these down, you can show that counsellor of yours you mean business

Original poster
stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:41

Baffy - You are so right about conversation, you do find yourselves just talking about the kids. The counsellor has asked us to do two other things.

  1. Talk about good times we have had.
  2. Before our next session we should write down what we loved about each other right at the beginning of the relationship. We will then take this to the next session and discuss!
OP posts:
TimeForMe · 13/02/2008 16:42

I think recognising that you are both individuals with different needs is one of the best things you can do for a relationship. Allowing him to be himself and not someone you expect him to be, not to expect him to fulfill all of your needs or make you happy. Thats a huge responsibility to put onto a man.
Well done you for taking such positive steps

Original poster
stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:44

Mascara - Thanks for that - We have just had 3 nights away and my Mum looked after dc's but that was a bit stressful because we went to discuss the affair and the reasons for it. But we have agreed that at least two or three times a year I will go with dh on one of his trips and Mum can look after dc's again. Next time it should be more romantic!!

OP posts:
Original poster
stirlingmum · 13/02/2008 16:47

TFM - Thanks for the messages of support. I do feel very positive at the moment so maybe we will be fine.

Also, I did hide a Valentines card in his bag before he left so that should cheer him up - The chocolate idea is a good one because he loves dark choc (I hate it) so will buy some tomorrow.

OP posts:
TillyScoutsmum · 13/02/2008 16:48

I'm not sure discussing the affair and reasons for it are necessarily a bad use of time (ok - not exactly romantic as such - but at least you're communicating)

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