Making sure I'm not the flying monkey.

[pickledandpuzzled]

Complicated family situation.
I'm trying to remain calm at the edges of a long playing family tangle.

As of right now, everyone is 'talking' to me- not as in chattering in my ear, but as in no one has fallen out with me. That's often the way.

Generally speaking in this extended family, it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I tend to reflect the other person's point of view, while still empathising with whoever is upset.

It's all hitting the fan at the moment. I'm unlikely to hear from the current 'miscreant/victim', but if I do will do my usual reflecting of what it looks like from the other point of view while not speaking for anyone else or relaying any information back and forth.

But it suddenly struck me, am I a flying monkey?
I never tell anyone what to do, just ask whether they've thought about xyz or tried a,b,c.

What a ghastly sounding “family”

And unless they are your children

you shouldn’t be telling anyone “what to do”

SIL’s family is like this - SIL is thankfully normal and nice so doesn’t cause the drama.

She has an absolute rule of not talking about who’s done what to whom. This probably means that people don’t feel they can air legitimate grievances with her. But it also stops her getting sucked into crap.

Op specifically said that she doesn't tell anyone what to do.

Yes I know

But she’s saying it like she should!

It all sounds very draining OP.

I don't think you're a flying monkey - since you're not being used by one against the other. Flying monkeys are usually a sort of unwitting pawn.

I think I'd personally refuse to discuss one party with the other. But appreciate that may not be easy as it sounds.

That's not how I "heard" it. More like "I know I shouldn't tell anyone what to do, and I don't"

We read it differently 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like you'd be best off just telling both sides to sort it out direct with each other and leave you well out of it.

You are lucky if you have a family that isn't like that, Villssev.
I've had to break generational curses- successfully with my children at least. I specified that I don't tell people what to do, just to avoid someone telling me I mustn't tell them what to do, as I already know that.

Thank you to those who understood my intention.

I don't want to totally distance myself. They are my family, and I love them. Sadly, people are damaged by previous experiences and don't always behave in ideal ways!

We are children of a narcissistic mother, so have all had our battles.

I think it will take an extra generation to manage to break free of it, on one side of the family.

Of course, maybe mine is equally impacted but in different ways that I don't see!

I’m “lucky” if I don’t have a family that very regularly has spats with “hitting the fan” and bitching?

OP let me assure you that whilst there are families in very similar situations to you, there are many many others that…. Are not

Do you have children op?

Oh you do?

I wouldn’t want my children surrounded by this kind of family environment

must make Christmas and family get togethers stressful

What about this did you think was helpful?

I would call you a peacekeeper. It sounds like you give people the chance to feel heard and unjudged, so they're then more willing to listen to your perception of the alternative viewpoint. The fact that you don't take sides , don't tell people what to do, and also don't share confidantes makes you a safe space.

To suggest to the OP that what’s she’s experiencing isn’t “normal” and she doesn’t need to continue enduring it under the mistaken belief that anything different is rare!!

You really are! Through no fault of my own, I was born into a difficult family and have had to navigate that. You, through no virtue of your own, landed in a more positive family by the sounds of it.

My children have grown up protected from the dynamic, while learning skills to handle it. They are really well balanced, have excellent people skills, and know themselves well. They understand their grandmother's behaviour is not their fault- it isn't an expression of their value.
They have learned boundaries that I was never taught.

You can right my family off as bitches.
I see them as the flawed individuals they are, damaged by their upbringing and doing the best they can with a crappy set of tools. Quick to be hurt and to lash out in response.

I'm trying to help the next generation build their own tool kits, the way I helped my D.C.

Of course I know it isn't normal, Villssev!
Though I'm starting to think there are fewer happy families than I'd assumed. Many look fine on the outside that really aren't.

Thank you. That is my aim.

It's tiring to keep checking my boundaries, and make sure I don't say anything I shouldn't. I suddenly panicked that I was being used. I was clear about what I would and wouldn't do/share/keep secret. If you see what I mean!

I'm really sad that the next generation is imploding as my family had in the past. Generations of people trying to insist that people take sides and denounce each other.

Not your 🎪
Not your 🐒🐒

I mind my own business about extended family dramas. I dont have the hours or inclination to spend on he said she said blah blah blah. Family narcissists, whatever I won't get involved. Myself partner and children are my only priorities. Grown adults can fend for themselves.

You're a Peacekeeper I think but often find with people like this they love hearing all the different angles gossip and drama, whilst being seen and known as The Good One. & want a pat on the back for it. Even if they don't say so, they seek ways to get that You're So Good praise. That's the 'pull'. It's just somehow apparent. I mean if you're happy with that it's fine. Albeit I don't particularly understand accepting being the one with all problems dropped on their shoulders and then having/wanting to take time out to be there for it all. It sounds wearing.

I have a big family, there are squabbles but I tend to keep out I like a peaceful life, no drama to hear or think about. We're all different tho, its about what suits you really.

Based on my experience I would drop the have you thought about / tried x y and z
Its a waste of time and can be used against you.

Repeat Nothing that is said to you. Nothing. Even in a third party manner. Ideally try to avoid hearing it in the first place.

Default should always be to try and change the subject
if you cant stick with "oh really" and a "that sounds difficult / upsetting."
If it really continues "i dont know anything about it so you are best discussing it with them directly"

But your many years of making gentle suggestions and encouraging introspection hasn’t improved the situation in the slightest it would seem.

Take a big step backwards and shrug it off

i wish my brother had your emotional intelligence.

I feel that if my brother had stood up for me and told my parents to accept a bit of valid feedback from their middle aged adult daughter and not to use victimhood as a weapon to control me, this estrangement would be over by now. But by jumping in on their side 3 against 1, I just feel more betrayed. What next? How did he think joining in to shame me and blame me and reject me would solve things.

I generally do that with the main players, totalwaste.

I try and help the younger ones.

What's the point of relationships if we don't try and help each other when things are tricky?

I'm wary of them, I'll admit. I stand around the edge throwing life belts in when asked, rather than getting dragged in myself.

It's just such a shame. For all it's six of one, half dozen of the other, there are others involved as well. And they've not had good models of behaviour or conflict resolution.

Anyway, thank you for the different perspectives. It's helped me clear my thinking a bit at least.