Making sure I'm not the flying monkey.

[pickledandpuzzled]

Complicated family situation.
I'm trying to remain calm at the edges of a long playing family tangle.

As of right now, everyone is 'talking' to me- not as in chattering in my ear, but as in no one has fallen out with me. That's often the way.

Generally speaking in this extended family, it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I tend to reflect the other person's point of view, while still empathising with whoever is upset.

It's all hitting the fan at the moment. I'm unlikely to hear from the current 'miscreant/victim', but if I do will do my usual reflecting of what it looks like from the other point of view while not speaking for anyone else or relaying any information back and forth.

But it suddenly struck me, am I a flying monkey?
I never tell anyone what to do, just ask whether they've thought about xyz or tried a,b,c.

I'm sorry, @xpaz.

That is my mother's biggest issue. ZERO and I mean zero ability to resolve a conflict!! I don't enjoy it, and it was not modelled to me that's for sure. I had no assertiveness as a young adult because it was a case of submit immediately or be crushed by her tank later. So, I do not enjoy those awkward conversations where you say how you feel, admit what you got wrong, try to narrow the area of misunderstanding through conversation. But in my naievety I thought that maybe if my parents would TALK to me we could make some progress! But nope. Silent treatment for three years and yet they blame me.

I think some people avoid conversation because on one level they fear that they have no reasonable grounds to be as upset as they are.

No one in our house was allowed to be angry except DM. No amount of explaining your PoV did anything. Just prolonged the agony. So one branch of our family has followed that path, but trying to do better. Lots of 'how dare you speak to me like that'. Then people cut themselves off for their own protection. Sigh. There's a lot of 'If you aren't for me, you're against me', and 'stick together against everyone else, no matter who is right'.

But now something serious has happened, and the extended family are fracturing over how to deal with it.

in a large fractious family a peacekeeper is an absolute gem. You listen, offer guidance and no opinion. You obviously love your damaged family, are offering support and that’s lovely. Just be careful not to get dragged into the squabbles