Help required from a female perspective.

Mike1245 · 2023-03-31T15:27:57+00:00

Hi. im a 40 yr old man who has been married for 11 years and have 3 kids. I have come on here to ask for some advice from a female perspective This post is probably going to be long so feel free to scroll on by. The purpose of this post is to seek some advice / reassurance and guidance because I’m unsure of what to do. My wife and I are great parents but for the past 3 years since our son was born we have lost that emotional intimacy and connection. We still have regular sex but it’s now feels more like a chore that we fit in rather than something to look forward too. My upbringing was a strict one and there was never any affection shown towards me just lots of little criticisms when I met my wife it was love at first sight, she was a breathe of fresh air. She gave me a new found confidence, a spring in my step. However for the past 3 years we have been on a downward spiral. It started from when my son was born. When I came home from work I would give her a cuddle but she would push me away. This went on for a few weeks so one day I said to her that from now on if she wants affection or a hug come to me because I don’t want to be rejected anymore. I thought that by saying that it would trigger her to be more affectionate like she was when we first met. But in fact the oposite has happened we barely kiss and intimacy outside of the bedroom is non existent. We still have regular sex but she generally just rolls onto her side and bends over grabs her Clit toy and then expects me to be ready to penetrate her without any foreplay or emotional intimacy etc. This has led to performance issues and now sex has become anxiety provoking. Before the only time she only showed any affection towards me was during sex and now that has gone too. She will say we need to kiss more and spend more time together but her actions don’t back that up. She has made lots of plans recently to go out with her friends and none of that involves me even though I have suggested us going away or having a spa break etc. I always compliment her, she is a beautiful women but the only time she makes a comment about me is a negative one about my hair because I am thinning. I hear tell her friends how attractive other men are yet she never says that about me. Even though I am not over weight and in good shape. I try to be a good husband and do a lot around the house. Before I go to work on the morning I get the kids up, get them dressed, and fed, make all the beds, wash the plates and then take them to school so she can have a slower morning and have a cup of tea. But I don’t feel that is reciprocated. There are times when will she will be downstairs making lunch for her and the kids and simply forget about me working upstairs. I would never dream of doing that to her so I don’t know why she would do that to me. Today I have told her how I feel and she simply states that my low self esteem is down to me only. im at a loss, I don’t really know what to do. My wife is the best thing to happen to me but at the moment I don’t feel as though this relationship is good for me. Am I just being a needy insecure idiot.?? What can I do to get things back on track. Any advice is welcome. sorry for the incoherent post.

Weallgottachangesometime · 31/03/2023 16:34

My upbringing was a strict one and there was never any affection shown towards me just lots of little criticisms when I met my wife it was love at first sight, she was a breathe of fresh air. She gave me a new found confidence, a spring in my step.

^ Your sense of self sounds really tied up in how she treats you. Maybe the years of having kids have worn away the capacity she has to meet your needs. I’m guessing she is affectionate to the children, manages their ups and downs? Maybe years have that has meant she doesn’t have enough left to worry about your needs too. I don’t mean that harshly I just wonder.

Random question - but are you one of those workers who has been suddenly doing a lot of home working since covid?

wherearemyEastereggs · 31/03/2023 17:01

I think you need to be really careful. I have 2 kids and my husband left me November 2021 citing pretty much the same complaints as you. He had let his resentment build up and up. Discussed it with his mother and pub mates, but not with me.
For context both of us worked hard and were earning well. He said that he felt sex was something on my list of things to do. Yes, too bloody right it was because I was permanently knackered and wanted to ensure that we at least did have sex. He too helped with kids and allowed me time to do sport etc. We both did.
I think, in the end he was unable to get past this. His dad died just before the pandemic, and I think he adopted a 'life is too short' attitude of pure self centeredness. Completely unable to see that his children's and wife's needs were as important as his own.
I was completely blindsided and felt as if my heart had been ripped out. Gone was the man who I met 14 years before. Replaced by someone who had completely rewritten the whole narrative of our relationship and marriage. Painting me as some sort of unaffectionate robot who gave him less attention than he needed. He wanted to separate but not divorce. Even though he didn't love me, and felt he was 'at risk of having an affair'
I've still not found another woman even almost 18 months later. He did get a divorce as I wanted a complete separation of everything after the character assassination he gave me when he left.
He is living with his elderly mum and the kids go there once a week and every other weekend. They dislike it and would rather be at home here.
All our assets have been split 50/50 and I have bought him out of the family home. I no longer recognise him and I am sure he would say the same about me.
His relationship with the kids has suffered a lot. They resent going to stay with him at his mother's house. They whinge about it a lot.
He has prioritised his happiness over that of his wife and kids.
He seems to spend a lot of time going on lads holidays and nights at the pub. If that makes him happy then crack on.
I am much more peaceful and have financial security of my own. I won't get into another relationship now I don't suppose (mid 40s) but what a waste when we could have worked things out had he not let his resentment fester and take on a life of its own.
My advice is talk to your wife rather than people outside of the marriage. Think about couples counselling and how to improve things. Divorce is horrid and he has definitely damaged his relationship with the kids.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/03/2023 17:09

I think this situation is quite common. Speaking as the Mum of 3 young kids you really do absorb their emotional ups and downs, you are so focused on their physical and emotional needs for a long time and your husband does often get a bit pushed aside without a lot of effort.
DH and I got into a bad place a while ago - I think little things had been building up and then we both had significant stresses in our lives which stupidly made us turn away from each other instead of together.
What got things back on track:
Firstly, working on it together. No one can fix a relationship on their own.
Secondly, we actually took sex off the table for a while. It had become routine and unfulfilling. When we got back to it, it was so much better and the emotional closeness it creates had returned.
Thirdly, we did those weekends away/days out together. So easy to put off. I think you might just have to book one if she’s being a bit up and down about it.

It is so easy to let a marriage drift and it does take work, but that has to be from both of you. Would she do marriage counselling? My DH was all for it but I wasn’t keen because I had a bad experience with a counsellor when I was a child and I just feel weird about it. It works for many though.

Original poster

Mike1245 · 31/03/2023 17:41

Weallgottachangesometime · 31/03/2023 16:34

My upbringing was a strict one and there was never any affection shown towards me just lots of little criticisms when I met my wife it was love at first sight, she was a breathe of fresh air. She gave me a new found confidence, a spring in my step.

^ Your sense of self sounds really tied up in how she treats you. Maybe the years of having kids have worn away the capacity she has to meet your needs. I’m guessing she is affectionate to the children, manages their ups and downs? Maybe years have that has meant she doesn’t have enough left to worry about your needs too. I don’t mean that harshly I just wonder.

Random question - but are you one of those workers who has been suddenly doing a lot of home working since covid?

Hi.
Thankyou for your response.

yea since covid I have largely worked from
home which I thought would be great for us as my wife also works from home but that hasn’t turned out to be the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mike1245 · 31/03/2023 17:46

wherearemyEastereggs · 31/03/2023 17:01

I think you need to be really careful. I have 2 kids and my husband left me November 2021 citing pretty much the same complaints as you. He had let his resentment build up and up. Discussed it with his mother and pub mates, but not with me.
For context both of us worked hard and were earning well. He said that he felt sex was something on my list of things to do. Yes, too bloody right it was because I was permanently knackered and wanted to ensure that we at least did have sex. He too helped with kids and allowed me time to do sport etc. We both did.
I think, in the end he was unable to get past this. His dad died just before the pandemic, and I think he adopted a 'life is too short' attitude of pure self centeredness. Completely unable to see that his children's and wife's needs were as important as his own.
I was completely blindsided and felt as if my heart had been ripped out. Gone was the man who I met 14 years before. Replaced by someone who had completely rewritten the whole narrative of our relationship and marriage. Painting me as some sort of unaffectionate robot who gave him less attention than he needed. He wanted to separate but not divorce. Even though he didn't love me, and felt he was 'at risk of having an affair'
I've still not found another woman even almost 18 months later. He did get a divorce as I wanted a complete separation of everything after the character assassination he gave me when he left.
He is living with his elderly mum and the kids go there once a week and every other weekend. They dislike it and would rather be at home here.
All our assets have been split 50/50 and I have bought him out of the family home. I no longer recognise him and I am sure he would say the same about me.
His relationship with the kids has suffered a lot. They resent going to stay with him at his mother's house. They whinge about it a lot.
He has prioritised his happiness over that of his wife and kids.
He seems to spend a lot of time going on lads holidays and nights at the pub. If that makes him happy then crack on.
I am much more peaceful and have financial security of my own. I won't get into another relationship now I don't suppose (mid 40s) but what a waste when we could have worked things out had he not let his resentment fester and take on a life of its own.
My advice is talk to your wife rather than people outside of the marriage. Think about couples counselling and how to improve things. Divorce is horrid and he has definitely damaged his relationship with the kids.

Hi.

Thank you for the advice. I never want to leave my children and I don’t really want to leave the life that me and my wife have created. We are great parents but not great at making time for one another.

Although my parents are still with us I don’t talk to them as I don’t really have that relationship with them.

I only go out once every couple of weeks and that’s just to the football. So I don’t really have anyone to unload to / seek advice from. Hence why I came on here.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 17:48

As soon as I read the title I knew it would be by a man complaining about a lack of sex

Original poster

Mike1245 · 31/03/2023 17:49

Hi
Thankyou for the responses they are excellent.

Something that I didn’t mention it my initial post is that I have trouble sleeping due to tinitus and a shoulder injury from when I was blown up while serving in Iraq. The anniversary of that day is tommorow so I’m not sure if that has anything to do with how I am currently feeling.

im not one of those people who discusses feelings or shows emotion and I’m not much of a talker.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mike1245 · 31/03/2023 17:51

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 17:48

As soon as I read the title I knew it would be by a man complaining about a lack of sex

No. I’m not complaining about lack of sex. We generally have it four times a week. Last week I think was 5 times so that’s great. Our sex life is healthy and 99 per cent of the time she will have an orgasm.

in fact it’s the opposite I would rather have less sex and more intimate time with my wife.

OP posts:

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/03/2023 17:52

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 17:48

As soon as I read the title I knew it would be by a man complaining about a lack of sex

I’m not getting that vibe at all. It sounds like they are having sex bit very detached unloving sex. Most people, male or female, don’t want that in a long term relationship.

Oopsiedaisyy · 31/03/2023 17:55

Ignore the cynical women on here, I sense what you are missing is the sense that you have a romantic and emotional connection with your wife, that she has become disinterested in you as a man.

Honestly, I think counselling is really the only way through.

Radi0 · 31/03/2023 17:59

Has she checked out? Do you think she might be thinking about someone else when you're having sex? It just doesn't sound like she likes you very much, she's probably really aware of what you need and perhaps feels guilty about that.
Have you thought about counselling?

Theamofm · 31/03/2023 18:10

I must admit I am guilty of pushing my husband away at times when my husband gets in from work but its all about timing. I'm usually knee deep in chopping veg or ironing or doing some chore. No disrespect but that hug is killing my flow. I'm busy. My husband knows that about me now though and he tries to read the room.

Intimacy can be a chore when you've got kids. It's hard to fit everything in! When kids go to bed it's lunch prep for tomorrow, showers, an episode or 2 to wind down and then before you know its 11 and I'm tired.

I will say when time allows me and hubby always sit together even for 15 mins to have a cuppa and a chat. Its my fave part of the day.

Also sex being unloving isnt a big deal imo. It cant be making love everytime. My husband is like you and wants to feel a connection all the time but i'll be honest sometimes i just wanna have sex, enjoy the pleasure and go to sleep. Other times im up for love making.

Also for me, i cant connect and make love if ive had a crappy day. If my day has been rubbish i cant switch off.

4 times a week is good going, too much for me.

I think you need to talk to your wife and have an open conversation. You say you are not a talker but nothing will improve unless you are open. Get babysitters and talk alone about everything you are feeling and make a plan together of how to move forward.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/03/2023 18:12

No disrespect but that hug is killing my flow. I'm busy. So true!

OP re your point about your shoulder injury, yes, that’s a traumatic memory and could well be influencing your feelings… have you mentioned that anniversary to your wife? I think that’s quite a big deal.

DustyLee123 · 31/03/2023 18:14

Id ask her to go to marriage counselling. If she won’t, it shows that she doesn’t want to fix it.

Weallgottachangesometime · 31/03/2023 18:21

yea since covid I have largely worked from
home which I thought would be great for us as my wife also works from home but that hasn’t turned out to be the case.

^ Is she at home in the week too. If so I wonder if some of the issue is this? I got proper fed up of my husband when we were both at home. I really didn’t want to spend more time with him going for meals or whatever when we’d spent all week together and already ran out of things to talk about.

NotAHouse · 31/03/2023 18:29

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 17:48

As soon as I read the title I knew it would be by a man complaining about a lack of sex

Same. Why is it ALWAYS about their poor little pee-pee?

shellyleppard · 31/03/2023 18:32

You are not being a needy idiot. There is a problem with your wife. Have you tried talking to her? Or going for counseling??? I feel for you. But if the love is strong enough hopefully you will be able to work through it x

Daleksatemyshed · 31/03/2023 19:08

Op, I don't want to make you feel worse but I think like a lot of men you've failed to take onboard how much a women's life changes when she has children. Mothers spend so much time and energy looking after their children that it becomes a bit all consuming, lots of women on here say that by the end of the day they're all "touched out" and feel like they have no life of their own. Considering how much sex you still have I think it's a bit much to complain that it's not the sex you want. When your children are older it may be a bit different but for the time being your choice is to accept your wife as she is or think about leaving.

greenthumb13 · 31/03/2023 19:10

I went through this with my husband. It was so many things, not really him at all. I was touched out. Someone always needing me and sex just felt like that again. I needed SPACE - in so many ways. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I had lost myself and who I was or what I wanted. I didn't have any space to miss him or want him. I didn't feel like a sexy woman, I felt covered in poo 99% of the time.

What finallly got me out of it other than time and my kids growing up was just having more time for myself. I started hanging out with my friends, going on girls trips, and reading books again which I love. I just felt centred again.

Give her time and space. Maybe hire a babysitter for the kids and go out to dinner more and don't expect sex after. Make her remember herself and give her that time she needs with her friends. She will come round I think.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 31/03/2023 19:11

NotAHouse · 31/03/2023 18:29

Same. Why is it ALWAYS about their poor little pee-pee?

Show quote history

What part of "We still have regular sex" and "We generally have it four times a week. Last week I think was 5 times so that’s great. Our sex life is healthy and 99 per cent of the time she will have an orgasm." are you struggling with?

AllOfThemWitches · 31/03/2023 19:12

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 17:48

As soon as I read the title I knew it would be by a man complaining about a lack of sex

I initially thought the same but then thought 'but lots of women post with the same issue' and then actually felt quite sorry for this guy.

Original poster

Mike1245 · 31/03/2023 19:31

Oopsiedaisyy · 31/03/2023 17:55

Ignore the cynical women on here, I sense what you are missing is the sense that you have a romantic and emotional connection with your wife, that she has become disinterested in you as a man.

Honestly, I think counselling is really the only way through.

Yea that’s exactly it.

OP posts:

iamenough2023 · 31/03/2023 19:32

Hello OP, I hear what you are saying and I understand how you feel, but I am a women and I think pretty similar to your wife. I think the problem is that with kids women change more then men do, I mean change from the inside, it is not something you can control. When I got my first child that was it, I became a mother and being a mother became my first priority. My ex could not understand what was happening. He told me once that he was jealous of our kids. My therapist said he was being vulnerable, but I thought it was disgusting, to be honest, to be jealous of your own kids, to not have them as your first priority. I think that the key for a relationship to survive is to be open, to talk and to listen. We change, as time goes on, we change with every new birth, with every death, with every new job, move, illness, and unless you are willing to adjust and accept the change you will eventually drift apart.

I offered my ex counseling but he refused it. We were together twenty five years and I honestly did not believe that counseling would help, but I though to give it a try. Him refusing was just a final straw to me, a final confirmation that he was not willing to put in the work.

Original poster

Mike1245 · 31/03/2023 19:34

Theamofm · 31/03/2023 18:10

I must admit I am guilty of pushing my husband away at times when my husband gets in from work but its all about timing. I'm usually knee deep in chopping veg or ironing or doing some chore. No disrespect but that hug is killing my flow. I'm busy. My husband knows that about me now though and he tries to read the room.

Intimacy can be a chore when you've got kids. It's hard to fit everything in! When kids go to bed it's lunch prep for tomorrow, showers, an episode or 2 to wind down and then before you know its 11 and I'm tired.

I will say when time allows me and hubby always sit together even for 15 mins to have a cuppa and a chat. Its my fave part of the day.

Also sex being unloving isnt a big deal imo. It cant be making love everytime. My husband is like you and wants to feel a connection all the time but i'll be honest sometimes i just wanna have sex, enjoy the pleasure and go to sleep. Other times im up for love making.

Also for me, i cant connect and make love if ive had a crappy day. If my day has been rubbish i cant switch off.

4 times a week is good going, too much for me.

I think you need to talk to your wife and have an open conversation. You say you are not a talker but nothing will improve unless you are open. Get babysitters and talk alone about everything you are feeling and make a plan together of how to move forward.

Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mike1245 · 31/03/2023 19:37

Thanks everyone for your comments. I will take them onboard and talk to my wife tonight.

Thankyou

OP posts: