Help required from a female perspective.

[Mike1245]

Hi.

im a 40 yr old man who has been married for 11 years and have 3 kids. I have come on here to ask for some advice from a female perspective

This post is probably going to be long so feel free to scroll on by.

The purpose of this post is to seek some advice / reassurance and guidance because I’m unsure of what to do.

My wife and I are great parents but for the past 3 years since our son was born we have lost that emotional intimacy and connection. We still have regular sex but it’s now feels more like a chore that we fit in rather than something to look forward too.

My upbringing was a strict one and there was never any affection shown towards me just lots of little criticisms when I met my wife it was love at first sight, she was a breathe of fresh air. She gave me a new found confidence, a spring in my step.

However for the past 3 years we have been on a downward spiral. It started from when my son was born. When I came home from work I would give her a cuddle but she would push me away. This went on for a few weeks so one day I said to her that from now on if she wants affection or a hug come to me because I don’t want to be rejected anymore.

I thought that by saying that it would trigger her to be more affectionate like she was when we first met. But in fact the oposite has happened we barely kiss and intimacy outside of the bedroom is non existent. We still have regular sex but she generally just rolls onto her side and bends over grabs her Clit toy and then expects me to be ready to penetrate her without any foreplay or emotional intimacy etc.

This has led to performance issues and now sex has become anxiety provoking. Before the only time she only showed any affection towards me was during sex and now that has gone too.

She will say we need to kiss more and spend more time together but her actions don’t back that up. She has made lots of plans recently to go out with her friends and none of that involves me even though I have suggested us going away or having a spa break etc.

I always compliment her, she is a beautiful women but the only time she makes a comment about me is a negative one about my hair because I am thinning. I hear tell her friends how attractive other men are yet she never says that about me. Even though I am not over weight and in good shape.

I try to be a good husband and do a lot around the house. Before I go to work on the morning I get the kids up, get them dressed, and fed, make all the beds, wash the plates and then take them to school so she can have a slower morning and have a cup of tea. But I don’t feel that is reciprocated. There are times when will she will be downstairs making lunch for her and the kids and simply forget about me working upstairs. I would never dream of doing that to her so I don’t know why she would do that to me.

Today I have told her how I feel and she simply states that my low self esteem is down to me only.

im at a loss, I don’t really know what to do. My wife is the best thing to happen to me but at the moment I don’t feel as though this relationship is good for me.

Am I just being a needy insecure idiot.??

What can I do to get things back on track. Any advice is welcome.

sorry for the incoherent post.

To be blunt, children are a huge physical and emotional demand. If you are really doing your fair share of it, you won't have much left over for intimacy right now either. It's normal for your relationship to take a bit of a backseat. Focus on being a good parent, genuinely taking on 50% of everything, and your relationship will come back, there will be more time for you to focus on each other later. You are not a 4th child, when your partner is overwhelmed and exhausted then placing more demands on them and moaning at them about not expending their last bit of energy jumping up and down to validate you is needy and probably a huge turn off for her as well.

op this is a tough one. Children change lives but I think some men forget the mental and physical load a woman carries with having a child. It’s great you help around the house but it’s sometimes just more than that.
It’s great you want to build up your relationship again and the fact you two are still having sex, even without the emotional connection, is good.

Tell her honestly and gently how you feel and then listen to her. Ask her how she feels and what she wants. It seems like she needs a break but also that you need a break too. Not from each other but from parental life. She needs time out with friends and so do you. Working from home is great as you can see the children etc but it’s also a lot of time you two have together so it might be nice to do things separately to give you something to chat about.
I know you have suggested going away for the night but if suggest date days/ nights first to build up the connection again. Going away for a night or two can be a lot of pressure on you both to try force yourselves to be romantic etc so would be better to slowly get there.

Show her you care and want this marriage to work. Bring back your affection again, try it again and if nothing changes then trh counselling. It sounds like she needs help to be herself again. It’s also not fair on you to feel rejected by the person you love the most.

You need to find the spark that first brought you together. Having kids and all of the daily chores does make finding time for yourselves difficult especially if you're both feeling tired.
Perhaps you could suggest couples counselling so that together you can honestly unpick the things that you have neglected in your relationship and areas that require more focus.
Please don't leave this unchecked and thi k it will solve itself, as someone who's partner announced that they no longer loved me after 18years together I realise now that our poor communication was the catalyst. We are great friends but the spark went out.
Don't let this happen it's sole destroying.

Sounds like your wife is touched out because of the kids and needs to have some body space and because of that its impacting you.

It also sounds like she feels you need her to prop up your self esteem and she hasnt got the emotional energy to do that

I notice that although you suggest ideas for how to spend more time away you havent actually organised anything yourself, so you are basically making reigning intimacy part of her chores and mental load

Im not saying its all your fault at all and it sounds like she has become very cold and distant which must be hard to live with. But at a time when she may have been feeling overwhelemed with the birth of her son you withdrew your affection and made it her job to be affectionate and you don't seem to have taken that job back off her you are just complaing shes doing it wrong. So I guess I can see her point too

Wrong in this case. OP said in his first post and has repeated since then, that they have plenty of sex. It’s intimacy and affection he misses.

I agree with the previous posters who have pointed out that both of you working from home is a bad idea. It can be stifling and even if you enjoy it l bet your wife doesn't. She probably feels hemmed in and may well need her space and alone time. Too much time together means you lose that feeling of being pleased to see each other at the end of the day and having something fresh to chat about. I would seriously think about returning to the office for 2 or 3 days week to change the dynamic between you.

Can you not read?
Why do you hate men?

I think she's treating you badly. I think you should get counselling alone and as a pair since you are still keen to work it out with her.

Yeah I agree you should get counselling for yourself as well as together if she’ll agree to it - hope the conversation went well last night

Comment on your hair thinning is just so snotty

she doesn’t sound like a good woman…

Anniversaries of traumatic events are weird. I don't really understand why they affect us (why does knowing it's the same day today make a difference) but they really do. I haven't been blown up by enemy action but my husband took his own life in the house after days of escalating illness, and I certainly still find the anniversary difficult. I try to find ways of dealing with it (i now take a solid two weeks off work every year), but I just have to live through the feelings every time.

When you had that argument early on where you basically misread each other badly and you told her never to expect you to initiate again, was that around the anniversary too?

I think you need a VERY good couples therapist and to dedicate some time to it. Could you access either the therapist or some funding via a veteran's organisation? Best wishes.

ZOMBIE THREAD - over a year old.

Sorry you are going through this.