Moody, uptight husband

[mustbefreakingmad]

Hi all, this is my first post. I suppose I'm just looking for some clarity and outside perspective.

I have been married 13 year and have kids ranging from 5-12 years. My husband is great in some respects - he works hard, is supportive when I want to do something (eg, recently graduated from uni).

However, he gets stressed and angry a lot when we are together as a family, for example car rides just feel like a waiting game sometimes for him to kick off if kids are too loud or bickering. When he does have the opportunity to to spend time with them, he's on his phone on the couch, 90% of the time. I organise everything family wise, even down to suggesting he had a kick around with his son. Mother's Day was ruined due to him being hung over and upsetting everyone. The kids have said to me they don't think he likes them or why is he being so horrible?

We had a hard time last year when I was just fed up and he has started to help around the house more since then. It's the relationship with the children I worry about. I don't want them to feel like their Dad doesn't want to or enjoy spending time with them.

Other times things are good and he had a laugh with them.

I'm confused and at this point can't see the woods for the trees. I love him and would want to stay together but I'm guess I'm coming to the realisation that I can't change him or his behaviour no matter what I do.

Thanks for reading.

Oh OP, that is very hard on you and the children.

For your children to verbalise that they don't think he likes them indicates that he has really damaged them already.

I cannot overstate that.

No matter what his good points are, that is so dreadful, so wrong, so permanently damaging ......that it cannot go on.

You need to look into how you will separate, how it will work housing wising, financially etc.

Then sit down with him and present it as a done deal.

He really needs to know that such is the emotional abuse that the children are suffering at his behaviour, that it really is better he leaves.

Do you want your children to have serious emotional problems in the future?

Because it is highly likely.

Of course parents can be stressed and cranky, they are human.

But for them to ask why he is horrible and for them to verbalise that they think their own father doesn't like them, means that enormous damage is being done to them every single day.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you, but they need you to protect them from him, desperately.

Emotional abuse like this destroys lives.

It gives children anxiety, depression, CPTSD, which is not something a person can usually recover from, likely just coping skills to help them limp through life.

You sound like a loving mother.
Reach out for support from Women's aid, and your GP, family and friends.

This cannot continue.

Your children can no longer be his emotional punching bag.

What Billy1966 wrote. Your children cannot afford to continue to live in such an abusive and otherwise oppressive environment.

Thank you so much for your reply. I think when it's happened for so long it's hard to see the truth of the damage.

He has never raised a hand to me or them. It's the shouting and how much I can see that we are careful. The kids very rarely chill out in the same room as him unlike they do with me when he's not there. He is lovely to his friends and family and me really too, and I would say a lot of the time to the kids. Just to give you a clear picture. It's the other times. He doesn't seem to get that yes we all have bad days and things happen but they need to have him as a stable parent aswell as me. My eldest just wants his dads attention, he'd love nothing more than to go to footy or cinema, or anything really with him.

Abuse is not solely physical in nature and there are many types of abuse. Emotional abuse also leaves scars and this marriage is and will continue to harm both you and your children. If your husband were to feel that his current methods of controlling you all were not working he would merely further up those against you.

Abusers as well can be quite plausible to those in the outside world so your comments there are not surprising.

How old were you when you and he met?. Did you see similar between your parents too?

You have a choice re him and your children do not. Make better choices now for you as well as them

THE only acceptable level of abuse is none in a relationship

Yes I did, my Dad was abusive to my Mum in every sense of the word. This has occurred to me before.

Your own childhood set you up good and proper to repeat this in your own adult relationship. No one bothered to protect you from seeing all that sadly and both
ostents here failed you utterly.

you now have the same choice that they had with your children. Make a better choice now for you as well as them. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you.

Have you asked him how he feels about the kids thinking he doesn't like them?

Have you asked him why his phone is more important than kicking a ball about with his child?

Have you expressed your disappointment in his fathering to him?

Did he actually want to have children, and what did he think being a parent involved?

Ask him if he knows what kind of dad he is. Get him to describe what that looks like to his kids.

You'll soon know if you're flogging a dead horse.

@mustbefreakingmad i have similar, not all the time either and i think thats why women let it slide at times, but mostly uninterested, spends all day on phone, never takes them out anywhere, doesnt even take them to football practice etc etc its a slog. I've had similar comments from kids asking what sort of mood their dad is in etc.. i initiated separation earlier in year, still live together but hoping we can get sorted soon. Our kids deserve better

You deserve better also 27penny.

Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were no one would want to be with them.

These types of men show their chosen targets the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Like PP, I would urge you to take action to protect your kids.

At the same time, I suspect your husband’s actions - while absolutely unreasonable - arise from a deep inner sadness. Perhaps unrealised dreams, career frustrations, or depression. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could get him to open up about these things? Would he seek therapy? It all sounds so desperately sad for you all.

I had one of these and honestly things are much better for everyone (except perhaps him) since I left. Now that he only sees the kids once or twice a week he has much more patience with them.

It's normal for them not to be wall to wall horrible. It's why we're so confused. What would you say to a good friend in this situation? I know you wouldn't say they should just put up with it.

Yes time and time again. My oldest had said he didn't want to do a dad day when I'd suggested it and got upset, I used it as an opportunity to speak to him about it and he then was kinder for a while ... but it just goes round in circles. Last year I had really had enough and just laid everything on the table. He was really upset and I genuinely think he doesn't want to lose his family, but his behaviour doesn't reflect that. I've tried for years to encourage him, create opportunity, I've then swung the other way and tried not to leave them with him or spend too much time all of us together. I know how crazy this sounds.

Thank you all so much everyone, I really and truly think he just doesn't enjoy being a dad. I think the poster who suggested unrealised dreams and resentment hit the nail on the head too, I get the feeling he resents having to 'give up' so much of his pay and it took years him to understand that me working slightly less hours was beneficial for us all (financial and otherwise) rather than because I just didn't fancy going to work.

How did your kids seeing him? Do they stay overnight? This concerns me a lot, I know the younger I would absolutely hate it and I also know he'd insist on it, at least in the beginning

Mine are fine with overnights. I think he makes so much more effort now than when he took the family for granted

Did he feel that you stepping back was something he had a voice in or not? It can feel to some new dads that their role is now just that of provider, they work (long hours), don’t get to see their family, the mum is the one building the bonds and they are just expected to work work work.

@FloydPepper yeah absolutely, we are actually talking just a few hours per week to save on childcare but yes we did talk about it a lot before kids and as the family grew, mainly because I read so often on here the conflict that it can cause. He agreed completely but had made multiple remarks through the years about I don't contribute as much as he does, yet I do 90% of everything in the home, 99% of childcare and work 4 days too.

To be honest if he said he wanted to drop hours to be at home more I'd be over the moon

What you're dealing with is a man who gets his sense of self worth from his job and his billy big bollocks salary, and resents the drain on his money and attention that the family represents.

You're all nuisances to him. He doesn't see family life as worth his time or his effort.

But honestly....why? So you can all walk on eggshells around him and have it made plain to you how little he respects and values your contribution? I am confused by this.

I spent years trying to solve a husband/father like this, and then one day I’d had enough.

me and the dc are so much happier, home is a relaxed and happy place, and I have much more time and energy for them because I’m not spending both trying to keep their dad in a reasonable mood.

men like this are way too much hard work and do a lot of emotional damage…give him a deadline to sort himself out or he can ship out…

@Bookworm333 I meant more that I would be pleased if he decided to do that because he wanted to take part in family life more and invested more in us, and maybe sacrificed a little to enjoy his family. But tbf you're right, from experience i know it would end up as you say.