Moody, uptight husband

[mustbefreakingmad]

Hi all, this is my first post. I suppose I'm just looking for some clarity and outside perspective.

I have been married 13 year and have kids ranging from 5-12 years. My husband is great in some respects - he works hard, is supportive when I want to do something (eg, recently graduated from uni).

However, he gets stressed and angry a lot when we are together as a family, for example car rides just feel like a waiting game sometimes for him to kick off if kids are too loud or bickering. When he does have the opportunity to to spend time with them, he's on his phone on the couch, 90% of the time. I organise everything family wise, even down to suggesting he had a kick around with his son. Mother's Day was ruined due to him being hung over and upsetting everyone. The kids have said to me they don't think he likes them or why is he being so horrible?

We had a hard time last year when I was just fed up and he has started to help around the house more since then. It's the relationship with the children I worry about. I don't want them to feel like their Dad doesn't want to or enjoy spending time with them.

Other times things are good and he had a laugh with them.

I'm confused and at this point can't see the woods for the trees. I love him and would want to stay together but I'm guess I'm coming to the realisation that I can't change him or his behaviour no matter what I do.

Thanks for reading.

how sad

I really feel for your children and I am not surprised that you were exposed to abuse as a child as it is no coincidence that you have been attracted to someone with abusive tendencies

Sadly your children having been exposed to this unhealthy dynamic and will carry on this abusive cycle - that’s how abuse continues through the generations

Resentment is like drinking your own poison so that is why your husband is grumpy and uptight

Also I’m wondering if this man is greedy with money?

I am sorry. It sounds really hard and like you have done your best with it over a very long time period. I see what you mean now - would be so nice if he willingly wanted to spend that time with you all and could enjoy it. And that is what you and your DC absolutely deserve!

I'm glad to hear that your so much happier and have a more peaceful life now @Lavenderfowl

Are you me? Exactly the same.

Have you considered OP that he doesn’t massively care whether or not he has a relationship with his children at all.
his words and actions demonstrate that he is happy to trash his relationship with his children on the altar of his temper.

Honestly, he won’t change, or only for the worse. Your husband has no capacity to be a kind and loving father.
It took me way to long to leave, but I am happy I did.

He is not greedy with money when he has enough of it, but my disposable income gets spent on me and the kids, his is at the pub and takeaways. Another bone of contention. I frustrate myself if I'm honest because I'd rather just crack on with it than create even more tension by attempting to discuss it.

He sounds like he really isn't suited to fatherhood. Spending time and money on the kids is a waste because they aren't really important in his eyes.
I don't think you can will him to love his kids more.
Everything my DH does is for our kids. He retrained as a teacher so he could spend the holidays with them.
He bought a bike with a toddler seat on the back so he could go for bike rides with them all. That comes from his heart, nothing to do with me creating opportunities for them.
He might be better as a single parent with visitation, because you won't be there to cover childcare.
At least in your home without him there the children can fully relax in a calm space.
Something to think about.

I have experienced this myself and after some time has passed I know now it was nothing to do with not wanting to be spending time with the family etc but a need that was not being met that he could not communicate. Once we started opening the lines of communication it was all related to wanting more sex and being wanted more by me etc and now we've talked and worked on it everything else in day to day life is just easier, friendlier and happier all round. Maybe some men tend to bottle up resentment about a particular thing without being able to voice it so well. It's just hard trying to be detective and putting up with it in the meantime.

@GuevarasBeret same here too. Although ultimately he made the decision to leave in the end.
Our house is now so much more relaxed and bright.
I never used to see my 19 year old - she was in her room or stayed out of the house. Now she spends so much more time around the house.

Only my youngest of 4 enjoys seeing their dad. The 2nd youngest will sometimes go begrudgingly but the older 2 refuse to go - they say he didn't make an effort while he was here so why should they now 🤷‍♀️
TBH I can't blame them!

"I frustrate myself if I'm honest because I'd rather just crack on with it than create even more tension by attempting to discuss it".

Do you think your mother tried to do this in her relationship with your abusive father too?. I was wondering if your parents are actually still together (I hope not).

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. All your H is thinking about here is his needs and wants and getting those met; your kids and you are of no real importance to him at all.

I lived with this too, a husband who was stroppy and cross and who basically hid from me & the kids and was very disengaged. We split (other reasons for this) and he is a better parent to them.
Although technically he sees them less now, they have commented that it feels like they see him way more. I suppose he feels more 'present' to them.
He hasn't completely changed, they complain about him being on his phone or carrying on with work when they are there for dinner but generally from their point of view it's better.
Them getting older also helped, he definitely struggled with the younger years and can relate to them more now they are teenagers.
Personally I think it's sad that he missed so much of their younger years by bring so absent (he also worked away a lot during the week -, on purpose) but I'm glad there is a relationship there now.

Have you told him what the kids have said? My ex used to speak quite rudely to my son and I decided to just tell him in a calm way, not to score points, but to tell him (as I’d expect him to tell me) that his child had said something and I thought if he didn’t change he would damage their relationship forever. He was mortified to hear it, and he did stop doing that completely from that day on. There’s still some issues there, but that’s his personality but he did change as soon as told. It would hurt to hear it, but it needs to be said. I would think carefully about keeping your kids in this environment if nothing changes

My father was like this. OK for the first 10 years, but the minute my older brother turned 10 (I was 9) it was like a switch had been flicked...he just didn't want to know. He started working abroad and that was the beginning of the end of us as a 'family'. He finally left my mother for another woman when I'd just turned 21. Turned out that he'd never actually wanted children in the first place, and had cheated on my mother for the whole 22 years they were married. I've posted on here many, many times that I wish they'd split when he started working abroad.