What leads an ex to start stalking?

[Conomore]

Just wondered why people stalk when they have been dumped?

Depends why they was dumped I assume. Sometimes it’s to see if they was cheating (moved on with someone else to quickly) or maybe because the way they was dumped, for instance, in a cruel manner (ghosted)

No idea but I broke up with my ex husband because he was cheating and moved in with another woman and then he stalked me for years as he was too nosy to see what I was doing. It was a long time ago now so before fb or anything so he did it in person. Police could do nothing.

if they’ve been ghosted, it may be hard for them to believe they’ve been dumped. There’s a lot to be said for closure.

Whilst I'm no expert, I believe it's to do with control.
They have been dumped and no longer part of that persons life. They want control back and therefore become a stalker.

Loss of control,anger, resentment, jealousy.

So they want you to notice they are stalking? Wouldn’t be much point or very controlling if the other person doesn’t know would it?

I ask as I’ve started to see my abusive ex in places I go that before he wouldn’t.

In this instance, it's clearly a power thing - he is continuing to abuse you/disregard your boundaries/exert control over you.

I think people are excusing stalking behaviour by saying 'it was the way the relationship finished', 'they didn't get closure'. Sorry, but bullshit. A normal, emotionally stable person would maybe get a bit upset, bewildered, confused then get over it. We've all had our hearts broken. No excuse to stalk anyone. A quick look at an ex's SM in the first initial weeks or so, maybe, as you mourn the loss of what you thought was something special, try get a handle on what's happened if you didn't get 'closure', maybe. But full on physically following someone, turning up repeatedly and unexpectedly - downright unreasonable and controlling at best, ftightening, intimidatinhlg and in danger of leading to actual violence or fatality at worst.

So they do it because they know you are scared of them and they want you to know they haven’t gone anywhere. So when in an argument they say I didn’t mean to scare you thats a lie?

Sometimes they can't take rejection and it affects their dignity and sense of self. There is a lot of twisted thinking that this can generate.

Take extra care OP.

Yes, they lie. Abusive people get pleasure from abusing. Many abusive men get a kick out of physically intimidating their partner. Many get a kick out of manipulating and degrading their partner. If he yelled at you and scared you then yes, he did it on purpose. He is now stalking you so he can enjoy making you feel uncomfortable.

Listen OP, nobody can tell you why your ex has starting turning up, we're not inside his head or know the inside and outs of his unstable thought process. Every offender and stalker will have a (in their minds) a rational explanation for why they're doing it. Don't be manipulated into thinking he's doing it because he misses you, loves you and can't stand the though of life without you.
My advice would be to start keeping a diary, keep hold of ant text messages and report to the police (repeatedly if you have to)

Based on my personal experience with a stalker: I believe it was about control.

I don't think stalkers CARE that they scare you, they just want to maintain that control over you, and if it's by fear then so be it.

I've had my email and social media accounts broken into, my phone location was followed, my friends were harassed for info and at some point I was growing concerned about leaving the house - despite moving MILES away from where I previously lived.

I don't think this person had any benefit to his actions other than the sick sense of "knowing" where I was, who I was talking to and that sense of still having an ownership.

I was lucky because speaking to police scared his enough to back off although I still had odd accounts following me on social media for months and even years after.

I don’t care if he misses me or not, I can’t stand him anymore.

I'd suggest you open up a case with local police. They won't do anything but it leaves a paper trace should things escalate

Don't engage! in any way, shape or form. Never reply to anything they say, ignore them if they approach you in public and call for help if they get aggressive. Also keep track of all instances they stalked you (note down places and times) and record all evidence you may have (messages, phone calls etc - even if just by taking screenshots).

I think they do it because they are angry that they lost control of you and its an attempt to take that power back. Know what you are up to, monitor you, invade your privacy, and yes sometimes even make you aware of it so you feel threatened.

Usually a control thing. But could be a number of reasons. Jealousy, anger, etc. my ex done this to me. He would sit outside my house in his car for hours.

I didn’t engage one bit & reported him. I was one of the lucky ones & he got the message eventually & give up. It’s unbelievably scary.

Report to the police 100% & please take care of yourself x

Mine cheated several times over the years (even has a child with another woman that I only found out about years later) but when I finally found myself able to say I no longer loved him and didn't want a relationship with him he didn't like that. Loss of control, damage to his ego? I don't know, but he's seemed obsessed with me since and I think he possibly does, or has, stalk or track me as he seems to know I'm out sometimes when he couldn't possibly know (my phone was a gift from him so I wonder if it's something to do with that).

It depends on the individual but generally- (especially if they let you see them doing it) -
a cluster b personality disorder.

They don't like being told no.
They want you to know it's not over unless they say it is. They want to maintain control over you and for you to feel it. They may wish to scare or intimidate you. Basically, it's about power.

Stalking in the sense of, you never seeing them might be slightly different. I'm sure many of us have found ourselves on fb at 4am looking at someoned wedding photos for the 3rd night in a row going 'whhhhhy John whyyyyy...I should been me! Whyyyyy??!!' No...? Um, no, of course not, me neither 😆

Point being - even relatively normal people can develop unhealthy obsessions. Especially with someone they loved and lost.

But this guy...doesn't sound so normal.

So they want you to notice they are stalking? Wouldn’t be much point or very controlling if the other person doesn’t know would it?

It could be about them feeling that they are still in control. When I broke up with my ex I cut him off entirely from my personal life (I still had to have contact with him for a while due to the kids, but I completely blocked him online and trained the kids not to answer any personal questions about me because I knew he would be trying to ask them. All I taught the kids to say when he would ask is "if you have a question about mom, ask mom.")

I know that it drove him crazy that he was not allowed to know anything about me. And because I blocked him everywhere I was not getting notifications that he was trying to stalk me online, but every once in a while I would come across something that would indicate to me that he was still trying.

Funny thing is he didn't care about me at all during our relationship, I was ignored while he enjoyed his porn and infidelity...so his obsession with me when I ended it I'd say was all about control and feeling liked he owned me even though he didn't actually care about me.

Agree with all this

This is the stalking risk checklist, there’s a newer version with less explanations but I think this one is most helpful.
https://equation.org.uk/product/s-dash-risk-identification-checklist-for-use-in-stalking-and-harassment-cases/

Agree with @Dontbelieveaword‘s excellent posts.

Don’t get hung up on why he’s doing this - there are no good reasons for him to stalk you and if you look for reasons, you potentially stray into the territory of justifying and excusing something that’s not okay for you - or at least worrying about his feelings when the only feelings you should be considering are yours.

Better to focus on what he’s doing and how you feel about it. If he’s persistent and you find it disturbing, you may want to consider applying for a non-molestation order. Stalkers can be very dangerous so keep track of this.

They can't let go and move on. In my case, my ex was convinced he could get me to take him back if he tried hard enough. He couldn't see that his behaviour was reinforcing I'd made the right decision. I had to threaten the police before be stopped but he still online stalked for a long while.

I don't think it's about what sets off the stalking but that the person already has issues to start with

When a relationship ends for me i do the complete opposite. Remove them from everything and don't want to hear a thing about them.

I couldn't be arsed to stalk someone