What leads an ex to start stalking?

[Conomore]

Just wondered why people stalk when they have been dumped?

It's a personality disorder something isn't right in their head they can't take rejection well. Some people have a tendency to be obsessive, very possessive, inflated sense of ego. You could dump them in any way ghosted or had closure but they aren't wired like normal people. It's about them, not about you.
Please let others know what's happening, keep a log and speak to relevant professionals. Let your friends and family know what he is doing.

They can be very persistent.
I had to keep managed contact for 2 years to sort some joint assets. Then I blocked any common link, cut out any mutual friends which was hard but necessary. Still took another 2 years of zero interaction for him to f*ck off.

I did get in contact with his cousin years later, we had been really good friends so apologised for just cutting her out. She said ‘you had to do whatever was necessary to move on, I completely understand’

I think I read recently that changing your number might not be the answer as they’ll just get creative and contact you another way. I would keep a number with a pay as you go sim, and then get a new number and contract as my main phone, to manage it now.

A non molestation order was suggested by my solicitor. Maybe I should have got one. I made the judgement that that level of challenge might have been antagonistic. Do consider this though.

The fact that you are posting means this is at the forefront of your mind. He has mentally invaded your thoughts, whether to inspire fear or anger or frustration. That’s why they do it. It’s a statement to say you will never forget me and I will always get to you.

It is not about closure. There is nothing more you need to know than it’s over. Relationships cannot be one sided. People who do this won’t be satisfied with more and more explanation. They will just be more and more angry.

@LemonTT has nailed it. If his stalking is making you uncomfortable or scared, you might want to consider applying for a non-mol.

LemonTT has explained it really well.

Years ago I watched 24 Hours in Police Custody. They arrested a woman for breaking and entering.
She had been stalking her ex for years. This time she had broken into his home.

Her excuse was had seen a window slightly ajar, so had got a crowbar and opened the window and let herself in.
The reason it stuck in my memory is she didn't see the issue with what she had done. As far as she was concerned she was more than entitled to go into his home and she didn't see what the big deal was.

The mindset was quite scary.

They were a type already; nothing 'caused' it.
It's definitely not the fault of the person being stalked / having done the dumping.

Name change on this just incase.

So I'm a fan of a certain celebrity and have met other fans at his events over the years. There's this one fan however who is well known amongst us for being completely obsessed though. She seems to know every event he will be at. No one knows how.

We would be in are if it were not for the fact that she's...completely fucking mental. The baaaad kind of mental. She posts emotionally manipulative things on her social media and links them to his page. Like 'life isn't worth living because I've not seen you in 2 months' ect... daily. It boils blood amongst us all.

People who naively try to help her, or tell her off, get told they are jealous of her 'relationship' with him. She threatens to tell him they are bullying her. Of course, he avoids her like the plague these days it seems, from what we can tell. But I think we're all a little worried for him. And for anyone that gets between him and her obsession.

We joke amongst us that we're at least, not as obsessed as her. But I think even obsession from healthy people can be dangerous. She arguably reminds us to always remember the fact that our idol is a person with their own life to lead. That that we have our own lives to lead to. Lest we end up like someone, living for someone else and totally losing themselves in the process.

Unchecked obsession can be a problem. Especially when people are lonely in their own lives or young or just a little lost. But I think the real problem is when people have dark hearts. And those people get lost in their own fantasy. Because you just never know their intentions.

Im terrified I'll wake up one day and hear she's killed him. No idea if she would but you just never know with some People when they are so far gone and, not decent human beings into the bargain.

If they do things that make you feel threatened or emotionally manipulated please be careful. There's a difference between someone who loves you and someone who needs to own you 'or no one else will'. And your instincts will tell you which one is which. Dont be slow to go to the police and take other steps to stay safe. Camera doorbells ect...

Pity we can't all have a security team isn't it!

Oh there's also a national stalking helpline btw.
Good luck, stay safe!

@Conomore bit dramatic but this happened to a colleague, he kept turning up places and telling her where she'd been , turned out he had a tracker on her car. A garage found it and removed it.

Hey OP.

Don’t engage with your ex and avoid isolated places on your own. I don’t want to alarm you but these things tend to escalate and they do not ‘just go away’. For your own records, keep a diary of locations, dates and times of these events.

I have a current case open with the police and so I’m speaking from experience. You might think it’s excessive to jot these down, as I did for a long time… and now I wished I had.

Stay safe, look after yourself x

It's not Michael Ball is it?@Winapegdothewashing Just thinking of an acquaintance from a few years ago with a very keen interest in him, to say the least.

Perhaps in your case OP it's him trying to exert control over you (you say he was abusive). I'm sorry you are going through this, I'd log every time/place you see him, if anything is said etc. Build up the evidence and then if it truly turns into stalking you will have a must stronger case.

Yes it's a lie.

Was he abusive during the relationship?

https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/ Paladin might be able to help or advise.

No, not Michael Ball.
Lol did you think your acquaintance had finally gone full looney toons on him?
It probably happens a lot.
Must be scary to be a celeb.

He's a younger celebrity but funnily enough, she's old enough to be his mum...maybe even his gran infact. Which makes it all the creepier tbf.

OP the Suzy Lampugh Trust

https://www.suzylamplugh.org/stalking-help-and-advice

Gives similar advice to previous posters.

Shelagh Fogarty, an LBC radio presenter, who was stalked and has done a podcast series called "The Followers"

Oh and make sure everyone so friends, neighbours and your employer - as the reception team and security need to be on their toes - know what's happening.

It doesn't mean their disturbed behaviour stops but it means others know not to innocently give out your location or details to him.

I worked with a woman who was exactly the same @Winapegdothewashing

It was the guy who played Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer guy). Her desk was absolutely littered with his picture, posters, mouse pad, framed photos, eveything.

I once said something like "wow, you're clearly a fan" and she launched into this quite weird speech about him.
She told me she saved her money and used all her annual leave to go to America to see him. She would stay in hotels near where he lived and spent her time trying to see him.

Then, she started telling me he had married this terrible woman and they just had a baby, the marriage was on the rocks, but he was trying to work it out for the baby.

On and on it went, really personal stuff, like she was his best friend/future girlfriend.

I've never seen anything like it.

I can definately see Angel fans being absolutely obsessive. Especially if it's fans still from the buffy days. I know the spike fella has a big fandom too.

Tbf your post describes a lot of fans so you'd be in for a shock. But she sounds like a level 9 obsesser though.

Tbf I'm probably a solid 7.5. Once I considered flying out to were I knew he's going to be with 24 hours notice. But then... I remembered I'm far too lazy. No man, no matter how much you adore them, should come between you and a good nights' sleep.

Anyway op, sorry, sorta derailing your thread. How's it going today, taken any steps yet? Any sign of the creep hanging about?

Woman's Hour this morning had a piece from a woman whose ex is about to be released after holding her at gunpoint.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001w14z?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

The man's name is Gareth Wyn Jones. Is there anywhere that actually tracks stalkers?