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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does heartbreak feel like ?

48 replies

Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 08:02

I have split up with my boyfriend. I am 54, he was the first man in 15 years that I wanted to be with, he made me feel protected, I felt that someone was there for me. I have lots of friends and a good job. It happened two days ago. We had an incredibly honest and intimate relationship but life through too many problems at him and he asked to be alone. This is how I feel now

-Panicky
-Physically sick
-Pain in my stomach
-No desire to eat
-Fearful of any gap in my day not filled
-Scared of not having an evening filled
-Avoiding streets we walked along
-Dreading the longer evenings because of summer memories holding hands
-Feeling embarrassed that I entered a relationship where I was let down at a time when my life was happy
-Pathetic
-unable to have a clear thought

  • feeling humiliated that I was so proud and happy in our relationship and it was misplaced

I just wanted to share this, and ask how you felt.

OP posts:
morethanspice · 31/03/2023 08:21

It hurts like hell just as you are describing so be kind to yourself. Hugs and 💐

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 08:27

morethanspice · 31/03/2023 08:21

It hurts like hell just as you are describing so be kind to yourself. Hugs and 💐

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
jackstini · 31/03/2023 08:27

So sorry you are going through this - it's awful and you've described it exactly

I would add mood swings - you may suddenly burst into tears if someone asks about him or something reminds you of him. Also feeling really angry, fuming, furious for short spells

Surround yourself with people you trust who care about you (which in itself is hard - because you thought he was one of them)

Vent on here
Do some stuff you love

You absolutely will move through it, but it's painful and difficult right now Flowers

qqq82 · 31/03/2023 08:31

Yup been here twice
Total loss of appetite
Actual physical pain especially across my chest
Waking up each morning having to remember what happened in some weird grief stricken brain fog

I find the anger comes a few weeks down the line for me once it sets in that it's definitely over and that this is real

Also know what you mean about embarrassment. I've learned not to talk too much about my relationships now or crow about how happy I am .

It's utterly utterly shit

LBFseBrom · 31/03/2023 08:37

It's a terrible, searing pain. Even if you can go to sleep you do so unhappy, knowing that it will be the same when you wake.

I feel for you. All I can say is, it will pass but these things take their own time.

I really hope other things in your life are not so bad, for example do you enjoy your job, have friends and family? We can put on our 'best face' when with others and eventually heal.

Good luck.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 08:39

qqq82 · 31/03/2023 08:31

Yup been here twice
Total loss of appetite
Actual physical pain especially across my chest
Waking up each morning having to remember what happened in some weird grief stricken brain fog

I find the anger comes a few weeks down the line for me once it sets in that it's definitely over and that this is real

Also know what you mean about embarrassment. I've learned not to talk too much about my relationships now or crow about how happy I am .

It's utterly utterly shit

Yep, feel like a bloody fool to have felt so happy. Why did I even bother. 8 months building this connection understanding every aspect of his life... every time we met we would spend hours and hours talking - feel I should have read a good book instead and protected my heart.

OP posts:
toptail22 · 31/03/2023 08:41

It's grief.
Painful & horrible

The only way through it, is through it.

You WILL be ok ❤️

Mumofnarnia · 31/03/2023 08:45

Honestly, if you feel he was the one, give him some time and some space. Do NOT contact him for at least a month or so. Give him as long as you can so that he can get over what he’s going through. And then reach out to him. You’ll be surprised how much difference giving someone some space will make

emmetgirl · 31/03/2023 08:58

It's awful. It's physical pain. But I promise it WILL pass. ♥️♥️

Seaoftroubles · 31/03/2023 09:16

Shock, denial, grief and a physical pain in my chest, literally heartbreak. Time and acceptance is the only healer, but eventually it will pass.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 09:27

Mumofnarnia · 31/03/2023 08:45

Honestly, if you feel he was the one, give him some time and some space. Do NOT contact him for at least a month or so. Give him as long as you can so that he can get over what he’s going through. And then reach out to him. You’ll be surprised how much difference giving someone some space will make

We have agreed no contact (unless we really need to, and I won't) for 2.5 weeks as the conversation was by phone and to be honest neither us could contemplate it as being our very last. We have also agreed to only tell close friends for emotional support and no media posts at all. I miss him and I know he will miss me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 09:28

emmetgirl · 31/03/2023 08:58

It's awful. It's physical pain. But I promise it WILL pass. ♥️♥️

I think I am in the shock phase with over laps of denial. I really miss his voice.

OP posts:
alwaysthekirsty · 31/03/2023 11:36

It might help to process your emotions if you talk about it @Livelifelaughter . Why did you split up?

coloursquare · 31/03/2023 11:58

I wouldn't contact him ever again. I'm sorry if that sounds brutal, OP. It just won't help you move on and ultimately you have to.

I went through this in 2006 and bumped into my ex for the first time about 5 weeks ago!!

morethanspice · 31/03/2023 12:43

It’s like a bereavement in a way with stages of grieving and if you do get in touch and restart you may then go through the same again. Happened to me and it hurt so much the second time x

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 16:27

alwaysthekirsty · 31/03/2023 11:36

It might help to process your emotions if you talk about it @Livelifelaughter . Why did you split up?

We had a lovely weekend, while chatting and flopping around on Sunday afternoon, eating chocolate in bed we took an online relationship test and he came out as avoidant attachment which he already knew. He had said a few weeks earlier that he was struggling in the relationship because he just hadn't been with someone where he had this type of relationship where we talk lots and share secrets, have emotional intimacy and call each day and plan weekends etc but he wanted to be in it.

Then, his divorce proceedings (3 years separated) turned nasty, his wife instructed lawyers and wouldn't agree a 50/50 split. A large tax bill arrived and he has had liquidate pension nvestments or else the mortgages on the family home and his home won't be met taking into account legal fees, and the tax bill. His business suffered a regulatory fine. His best friend got admitted to hospital and it's serious. All in a few days. He said he has so much going on in his head that he can't think and the stupid test highlighted his emotional problems. He said he cannot give any thought to us and any time to give to the relationship. He was clearly at his wits end and a wreck.

OP posts:
nowaworriedmumma · 31/03/2023 16:32

It feels bleak, like you can't see a way out or a life ahead of you. You can't eat, lose a lot of weight quite quickly and all you can think about is the other person.

It hurts like hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It happened to me when I was 24. My BF dumped me by text after 6 years for another girl. We all worked at the same place. It was the most hurtful, humiliating time in my life. I lost a stone in 3 weeks and it was so public, everyone knew about it.

I don't know how I got through it. I don't know how I went there everyday and faced them. Horrible memories.

nowaworriedmumma · 31/03/2023 16:36

It almost feels like they become a stranger over night too. Like you never really knew the person and they feel alien to you.

You will be ok OP, keep strong. I feel for you 💙

Hiddenvoice · 31/03/2023 16:43

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I very much know your pain and even now, quite a while later, will feel panicky if I’m in a place that I know he might be or even worse still, he might be with his new family.

Take time, go easy on yourself. Don’t push yourself and remember it’s okay to cry. Crying can be therapeutic so let it out. I know you’re worried about gaps in your day so do you have any hobbies you used to like doing that you could start again or maybe start something new?

It sounds like he has hit rock bottom. It sounds like he needs a friend! I’ve always avoided stupid online relationship quizzes as they are a load of rubbish, he really shouldn’t base his whole life on one stupid quiz. When you’re ready, and if you want, reach out to him. Not in a romantic way but as a friend. Remind him he isn’t alone, he can still talk to you and you can still support him through the divorce and his friend being sick. Remind him that the quiz is a load of nonsense. He can work on himself and work through things but if you genuinely felt happy in the relationship then tell him that. Of course only do this if you feel able to.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 16:43

nowaworriedmumma · 31/03/2023 16:32

It feels bleak, like you can't see a way out or a life ahead of you. You can't eat, lose a lot of weight quite quickly and all you can think about is the other person.

It hurts like hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It happened to me when I was 24. My BF dumped me by text after 6 years for another girl. We all worked at the same place. It was the most hurtful, humiliating time in my life. I lost a stone in 3 weeks and it was so public, everyone knew about it.

I don't know how I got through it. I don't know how I went there everyday and faced them. Horrible memories.

That's awful. When I got left by husband he literally said "I don't feel attracted to you j think of you as a sister" it took years to get over it and frankly I literally decided to be single...

OP posts:
BluebellBlueballs · 31/03/2023 16:45

It feels like someone has stabbed you in the stomach, a real gut pain. And a heaviness in the chest area.

I kept bursting into tears, couldn't wear mascara for weeks. I knew I was healing when I could wear mascara again.

Original poster
Livelifelaughter · 31/03/2023 16:52

BluebellBlueballs · 31/03/2023 16:45

It feels like someone has stabbed you in the stomach, a real gut pain. And a heaviness in the chest area.

I kept bursting into tears, couldn't wear mascara for weeks. I knew I was healing when I could wear mascara again.

I think what's sad is that love is wonderful but when you are feeling intense pain it no longer seems worth it. I can't imagine being with anyone...

OP posts:
qqq82 · 31/03/2023 16:57

nowaworriedmumma · 31/03/2023 16:32

It feels bleak, like you can't see a way out or a life ahead of you. You can't eat, lose a lot of weight quite quickly and all you can think about is the other person.

It hurts like hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It happened to me when I was 24. My BF dumped me by text after 6 years for another girl. We all worked at the same place. It was the most hurtful, humiliating time in my life. I lost a stone in 3 weeks and it was so public, everyone knew about it.

I don't know how I got through it. I don't know how I went there everyday and faced them. Horrible memories.

Similar happened to me
They paraded around the office together while I quite literally died inside . I barely ate for a year til I met my now exh who in hindsight was clearly a rebound and a huge mistake

qqq82 · 31/03/2023 17:02

The 'love of life' dumped me over AOL messenger when I was 20. I'm 39 now and if I ever saw him I don't know what I'd do with myself

Pinkbonbon · 31/03/2023 17:02

Your opening message sound a lot like your self esteem has taken a hit.

Which is normal after a break up.

As you were with him so long it might be that a large part of your own identity was wrapped up in him and now you aren't ŕeally sure who you are anymore too.

Going forwards, you need to readjust to your own company again and spend time rediscovering yourself.

After the sad part of course.
Sorry for your hardship.