Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Trust issues / money

27 replies

Madderthanamadting · 31/03/2023 07:41

Wanting opinions obviously

I have been with my husband for 23 years . We have 2 children aged 16 and 9 .

He sometimes has a drink at lunchtime and weekends when at home . I have no problem with people doing this except his tolerance is really low . Even 1 drink and you can tell , he looks pissed , is snappy and moody and gets argumentative . Not physically aggressive. Then falls asleep .

We agreed that he wouldn't drink before kids in bed or when he was alone with a child . He can go out and get hammered with no problem from me . Just not drink in front of children because of his argumentative mood and because he shouldn't be unable to drive or help if maybe child needed help .

We've just had some financial stress and he gave up drink with no problem and despite the financial worry we got on great .

Now he's working again and drinking again

Last week he couldn't come to parents evening because he went to pub at lunch and missed picking daughter up and looked pissed , smelt of alcohol at 3:30 .

On Saturday I took teenager out and came back to him in his bad mood where he started telling our eldest off for something really petty . He had been in house with youngest who was occupying herself and he took himself to bed because he had a drink and went to bed .

I had prepared meal and he had to just put it on . When we got home he got up but it was painful watching him trying to put dinner on so me and Dd took over , he was snappy and short tempered .

I reminded him on Monday what we had agreed and he apologised said it wouldn't happen again , he was wrong etc but this is a cycle

Help

OP posts:

Original poster

Madderthanamadting · 31/03/2023 07:56

Ignore the money bit

It's about trusting him not to drink in day

I have told him that I want to separate because of this and he is v sorry ofc

OP posts:

Littlefish · 31/03/2023 07:56

He missed parents evening, and forgot to pick his child up. That's absolutely not acceptable, ever.

Your dh has a problem with alcohol.

He needs to seek help.

There is no way I would stay with someone who prioritised alcohol over his family.

Meceme · 31/03/2023 08:11

I think it's unlikely that his tolerance is so low that he looks pissed after one drink. its more likely that he has a problem with alcohol and is drinking secretly, the one you see is just 'topping up' his alcohol level. This is no way to live for you or the children.

DustyLee123 · 31/03/2023 08:13

You don’t want your kids seeing this. He needs to leave.
And yes, he will promise to change, but he won’t. Alcohol will always win.

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/03/2023 08:45

I agree that it is very very likely he is topping up his drinks in secret. Nobody gets that drunk on one drink.

America12 · 31/03/2023 08:50

My ex got that drunk on one drink , I used to see it. Notice EX

mumof1or2 · 31/03/2023 08:53

I actually disagree with the people saying he can't be pissed on one drink. My exh had a huge alcohol problem and it was almost as if a switch flipped as soon as he started drinking. There was no way he'd had enough to be drunk, but one drink in and you could tell he'd had one. His whole face/behaviour changed. I think it may be psychological that they change as soon as they know they are drinking. Whatever it is, I know what you mean OP!

My advice is to just end it. I battled with my exes drinking for a couple of years, lots of sorrys, lots of "I'll just stop drinking completely as I can't control it", lots of "that was the last time, I promise" but it never was. There was always another "last time" and once my son was born I couldn't live like that anymore.

Unless he stops now and gets help, I would tell yourself that the next time he drinks will be the last time you put up with it. That's what I did in the end - I didn't make a big announcement to him, I just decided in my head that if he ever drank again, I would leave. And I did. It was very hard at the time but I'm remarried now and couldn't be happier! I look back on what I put up with from him and wish I'd left sooner.

Original poster

Madderthanamadting · 31/03/2023 08:58

Thankyou

The replies were what I expected , you are right

Only disagreement is I have sat with him and seen effects of 1 drink , he's definitely not topping up .

He can stop , he chooses drink

OP posts:

altmember · 31/03/2023 09:40

The alcoholic content of one drink isn't enough to make someone drunk (unless it's a pint of vodka!) But it is enough to make an addict agitated because it ignites their craving and they'll be itching to not stop at one.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. It won't go away, but it can potentially be controlled/suppressed. Tee total is the only way to stop it escalating. A lot of alcoholics will try and say that one drink is fine, they can manage that. But their ability to actually stop at one is often hit and miss.

Also, alcohol doesn't turn someone into someone they aren't, it just lowers their inhibitions and let's their true colours shine through.

Mypatioisminging · 31/03/2023 09:43

unless he has something medically wrong with him then one drink for a regular drinker isn’t having this effect.

I strongly suspect your husband is drinking way more than you know and is an alcoholic.

Original poster

Madderthanamadting · 02/04/2023 09:08

Thankyou again

After giving him the ultimatum that I would get a solicitor and a formal separation he's been on best behaviour .
Agreed no alcohol in the house to remove temptation. No drinking in front of children .

He went out on Friday and had a drink with pals but still got up Saturday and did stuff with girls / family . Helped more around house .

But I feel like I'm on egg shells , i don't want to police him , I don't want to be this involved.
Last night we sat watching a movie and under normal circumstances he would have a beer and fall asleep but he didn't . He is tired because he's been for blood tests and he's v v low on Vit D so starting med for 6 weeks .

I know he's trying and I can't fault his effort but I'm feeling bad that it's me that's controlling him

OP posts:

category12 · 02/04/2023 09:16

I think the one drink changing him is a Thing - a psychological flip-switch if you like, rather than a physiological one, maybe.

category12 · 02/04/2023 09:29

I just think a problem drinker/alcoholic is going to backslide every time while they're still drinking.

When a person has to give themselves rules about when/where they can drink, it speaks to there being a problem.

I do think you probably need to engage with Al-Anon yourself and think about what might be co-dependence in the relationship, as you're trying to set him rules/police him. Talking about living with a problem drinker/alcoholic with the experts will be useful to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2023 09:30

Madder

Your H continues to prioritise his (primary) relationship with alcohol over you and your children. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

re your comment
"But I feel like I'm on egg shells , i don't want to police him , I don't want to be this involved"

Then end this marriage if you really do not want the above because this is already happening within your home. Why have you stayed till now at least?. Fear of him, fear of the unknown, money worries, the kids have likely all played a part here. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not and will not start until you and he are no longer together. You in turn are playing the usual roles such spouses play; i.e enabler, provoker (because you never forget) and codependent partner.

Do you really think he's trying?. He is not trying at all and after all he has you around to pick up the pieces of family life.

You cannot help him but you can and should help your own self and kids here by attending Al-anon meetings or at the very least reading their literature. Your children could also benefit from talking to Alateen. Its them I feel the most sorry for in all this because they have no choice here but to follow their adults lead.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2023 09:32

"After giving him the ultimatum that I would get a solicitor and a formal separation he's been on best behaviour".

Of course he would be on his best behaviour, well for now anyway till the wheels fall off again. He knew he pushed you just that bit too far.

Did you follow through with this ultimatum because if you did not it should not have been issued. Repeated ultimatums lose all their power here.

Mindymomo · 02/04/2023 09:35

When he had blood tests, why did he go, was he worried about his health and was the drinking mentioned at that time. Maybe he already knows the drinking is a problem but doesn’t know how to get help.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 02/04/2023 09:36

My ex was a functional alcoholic and had very low vit d too, they go together. I only found him out when I swapped shifts one day and came home early and he wasn't there. It turned out he used to take his laptop to the pub from the office at 11 when it opened and stay there till six and go home. He would eat dinner then pop out for a pint with the lads, and I thought that was the only one of the day. The financial disclosure was eye opening £50 a day in that pub.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2023 09:38

He is not some helpless thing here; he can choose to get help but only if he himself wants it. He is showing no indication whatsoever that he is ready and able to address his alcoholism.

It is not the OPs job to find help for him or to encourage him to see the GP or attend AA meetings.

purpledalmation · 02/04/2023 09:40

I suggest some counselling together so that he takes full responsibility for his drinking and not have you take in the responsibility for him. It's not fair at all and he needs to understand why he needs to drink, find better alternatives (exercise etc) and understand how you feel.

wordonthestreetisthat · 03/04/2023 03:27

Going off at a tangent slightly ...

What does he drink?

My husband is VERY placid but could become very argumentative and stroppy when he drank (thankfully not often). He hated how it made him become.

We then worked out it was lager that had this effect on him. He no longer drinks it and will have a real ale or spirits instead.

He's now absolutely fine after having a drink!

AgentJohnson · 03/04/2023 17:58

You are part of the cycle. Accepting his apologies and ultimatums are an integral part of the cycle.

You can not control what he does and doesn’t do but not following through on your threats to separate, is in your control.

Original poster

Madderthanamadting · 03/04/2023 18:07

I agree . I have been staying away with friends family . Seeing our children every day while he is at work and will stay home when he goes away for work tomorrow. I know he loves me and I know he is sorry , he knows he has to change to get me back 100%.

OP posts:

category12 · 03/04/2023 18:17

Madderthanamadting · 03/04/2023 18:07

I'd want him to commit to stopping drinking altogether and engage with AA or similar, in your shoes.

I do think you should get in touch with Al-Anon yourself.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/04/2023 18:51

Madderthanamadting · 03/04/2023 18:07

Sorry if I've read this wrong - have you left the family home and left the children there?

Original poster

Madderthanamadting · 03/04/2023 21:13

No I haven't left him
I've been v busy going out with children and leaving him in evenings to see friends and family . I stayed over at my mums one evening and my sister another and back for breakfast

I'm giving him a taste of single parenting without me there . Giving him lots of time to think . He hasn't drunk in the house since our argument which in some ways makes me madder because he can do it but he chooses not too

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread