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Original poster

Revert to maiden name????

40 replies

Anxiousbadger · 31/03/2023 05:20

Long story short, I am in the middle of the divorce process - I do have 3 young children but I’m wanting to change back to my maiden name.

Initially, I didn’t want to for the sake of the children however, as part of my recovery (from DA) I have decided I want to rid myself of the surname of him and his toxic family.

I don’t want to upset the kids but at the same time, I feel like going back to my maiden name will help me find myself again.

Most of my family have said they also think going back to my maiden name would be good for me but my Nan (who is my dads mum & has my maiden name) told me to think long and hard about it and to consider the children.

Surely, if it helps me feel a bit more like me again, it will benefit them in the long term as the quicker my recovery is, the better mum I’ll be.

I was so adamant (and deep down still am) but my Nan’s response has surprised me so I suppose I’m kind of looking for others experiences.

Thank you for reading xx

OP posts:

snitzelvoncrumb · 31/03/2023 05:24

Could you use both? Use your be known as your maiden name and legally use maiden then married name. If your ex is not having much to do with the kids, you could all be known as your maiden name.

Ncfgjdo · 31/03/2023 05:26

For me personally, having the same name as my children would be more important than not having the same name as my Exh. However I do see where you're coming from. Don't make any rash decisions though because it's not easy to come back from.

Dancemonkee · 31/03/2023 05:28

I changed back. I needed to be rid of it.

Daughter understands fully and still has Dad's name. For her it's just a name and means very little. For me it represents so much more.

PoppyCocky · 31/03/2023 05:31

So sorry for what you've been through.
I personally would keep the name because of the children if they are under 18.
You feel it's important to get rid of it and that's fine, depending on the children's ages if they are old enough you tell them what you told us that it's part of your recovery and if they are too young I would just say that it's a common change after divorce for the woman to go back to her maiden name. Your children might not be bothered by it. I think there will be so many other changes I'm not sure they would be too focused on the name change aspect.

I heard that if you travel with minors with different surnames you might need further documents like a translated birth certificate to prove you have parental responsibility and can take them abroad.

SpringBunnies · 31/03/2023 05:36

I have a different surname to my children and never have any problems. I have never changed it though so different situation from you. But if that is what stopping you, don’t. There are so many mothers with different names from their children now.

I bet those who say they want to keep the name of their ex will change theirs when they marry again. It’s not really about the children from seeing those IRL around me.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/03/2023 05:39

It's fair enough for your nan to point this out as a thing you'll want to consider. In the end it's your name and your choice but obviously you'll want to be aware of any downsides before making your mind up. It doesn't mean you shouldn't. As you say, in the end your recovery is the most important thing, for the children as well as yourself.

I didn't change my name back because I had had the second name longer than the first by the time we divorced, I liked the second name better and it's a really common one so people wouldn't tend to link me with XH by it. Also I couldn't face the extra paperwork. The children thing wasn't really an issue as they were mostly grown up by that time. Your situation and your feelings about the matter are different so do what feels right to you.

SpringBunnies · 31/03/2023 05:40

@PoppyCocky you are supposed to get consent if you travel alone with the children. However my only experience doing this was when DC1 was 2 going to Spain and was not asked for any proof. We have different surnames but she looks like me.

I would get written approval even if having the same name. It’s to do with the fact you aren’t supposed to take children overseas with their fathers approval.

CherryMaple · 31/03/2023 05:46

I kept my maiden name when I got married, so my DCs have a different surname to me. It has never, ever been an issue anywhere.

Tomkirkman · 31/03/2023 05:53

I don’t hold huge importance on having the same surname as my kids. They are no less mine. It doesn’t impact the relationship. I went back to my maiden name.

So glad I did. Dd is now almost 19 and changed hers legally to my maiden name too.

The kids were fine with it. It definitely helped with my recovery. It was a breath of fresh air to see my name.

Although tbh, I got married at 20 and by about 24 I regretted it. Wished I had kept mine. It wasn’t worth the argument with abusive exh to change it back then. If I had got married older I would have kept mine.

Tomkirkman · 31/03/2023 05:54

I actually don’t understand what ‘consider the children’ means. My surname has little to no impact on the kids.

PassTheDuckie · 31/03/2023 05:56

I took a new surname upon divorce (did not want my abusive father’s surname back either) but also legally added it to my children’s surname by Deed Poll (so they are double-barrelled). I did have to get their fathers written approval, which fortunately he gave. My kids were 5 and 10 and we chose our new name together. It has worked well for us.
Good luck.

stepstepstep · 31/03/2023 06:09

I asked my kids before changing back - it didn’t bother them in the slightest. They just said loads of their friends had different surnames from their parents for lots of different reasons. It’s totally normal to them.

EggBlanket · 31/03/2023 06:13

I kept my surname when I married and my kids have my husbands surname and my surname as a middle name (I actually refer not just giving them my surname).

Either change your surname and stop worrying about the kids having a different name (it really doesn’t matter), or change their surnames too.

Lesina · 31/03/2023 06:19

Different situation completely but I have never used my married name. Have been married 27 years and have children, they have their dads name and no one ever bats an eyelid. Do what is best for you to feel comfortable and will help your recovery. Your nan means well but is from another generation. Look after you OP.

thegrain · 31/03/2023 06:21

Go for it.

qqq82 · 31/03/2023 06:26

I changed mine back to my maiden name on all social media etc but kept my married name for passport

RedRobin100 · 31/03/2023 06:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

RedRobin100 · 31/03/2023 06:32

CherryMaple · 31/03/2023 05:46

I kept my maiden name when I got married, so my DCs have a different surname to me. It has never, ever been an issue anywhere.

Same

they are still small though, but will just be a case of explaining why to them

at the end of the day it’s your name do what’s right for you - you have been through enough already
the kids will be fine

Binfluencer · 31/03/2023 06:33

I've never had the same name as my kids and DH is dead so they don't share them with a parent at all.

Literally no one cares, including them.

Also it's your name, not your maiden name, you aren't a possession/child

ShandaLear · 31/03/2023 06:37

I’ve never had the same name as my children. Hasn’t troubled me or anyone else for a second. You could try it out for a bit to see if it fits. Change your name on all your non legal docs - your social media, email address, etc. for a few months, and if it works, then change your name legally.

NoraLuka · 31/03/2023 06:41

I changed back to my maiden name and my children didn’t care. They were quite young then and now 10 years later don’t remember us all having the same name and it doesn’t seem to bother them.

Isthisexpected · 31/03/2023 06:50

I placed so much importance in having the same name that my children have mine and not my husband's name. So in your shoes I'd keep the name until they're adults.

PoppyCocky · 31/03/2023 06:50

Maybe ask your nan what she meant.

whodafucisalice · 31/03/2023 07:03

What I did was kept married name but put my maiden name last so I was known as married name-maiden name.

QuinkWashable · 31/03/2023 07:06

I think it's whatever you make of it.

I have two kids with different surnames (one has mine, one has ex's) - actually I registered the second with ex's surname, then deedpolled it to mine later (shallow reasons, different surnames work better with different forenames).

Neither of my children care, they know I'm their mum and we're family, the idea that the name is anything other than a name doesn't enter into it at all.

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