Revert to maiden name????

[Anxiousbadger]

Hi

Long story short, I am in the middle of the divorce process - I do have 3 young children but I’m wanting to change back to my maiden name.

Initially, I didn’t want to for the sake of the children however, as part of my recovery (from DA) I have decided I want to rid myself of the surname of him and his toxic family.

I don’t want to upset the kids but at the same time, I feel like going back to my maiden name will help me find myself again.

Most of my family have said they also think going back to my maiden name would be good for me but my Nan (who is my dads mum & has my maiden name) told me to think long and hard about it and to consider the children.

Surely, if it helps me feel a bit more like me again, it will benefit them in the long term as the quicker my recovery is, the better mum I’ll be.

I was so adamant (and deep down still am) but my Nan’s response has surprised me so I suppose I’m kind of looking for others experiences.

Thank you for reading xx

I kept my married name because it was important to me that I had the same name as my children.

I would definitely get rid of a name that you associate with toxicity. Even better, change your kids names too.

According to a website I was reading, the history of taking on your husband's surname comes from being their property.

This change in women’s identity, by taking a husband’s name, has emerged from patriarchal historyy_ where wives had no surname except “wife of X”. The wife was the husband’s possession and right up to the late 19th-century, women in England ceded all property and parental rights to husbands on marriage.

I changed mine back , if I ever needed to give all our names , I’d just say we’re like a firm of solicitors and then list our names ! My DC are all grown up now , my son took his wife’s name when they got married, my DD1 changed her name to include mine when she married and DD2 took her DH name on marriage. Only DS2 has his dads name , and I strongly think when he and DP marry they Will choose something else too .

Listen to your gut instinct and chose the name that is you. Your kids will be ok. Lots of families have different last names. I went back to my own name and it felt like a huge exhale after separation and divorce. I found me again through reclaiming my name.

Oh for god sake, it’s YOUR name, no one else gets a say, I doubt the kids will even give it a second thought, I know I didn’t when I was a child and my mum changed her name. Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Thank you all so much for the replies.

When I was younger (pre-kid) I was bothered about having a different surname to my kids which is one of the reasons I got married however, a lot has happened since then - I think I know more families with different surnames that I do the same surnames.

I did mention it to the older two (they’re 8) and they weren’t happy and said they’d want to change their names too but there is no way their dad will agree, plus, regardless of how he treated me, he is their dad, has regular contact so I don’t really see any reason for them to change their name as that is their name.

My surname was borrowed and it does almost feel like a branding, he still feels he has control and I want to take that away.

It is what’s best for me and like a lot of you say, they’ll get over it.

Thanks again xx

I'm in the same boat, I'm going to change back, can't wait to be rid of my married name. Mentioned it to my kids and they don't care. Plenty of women don't take their husband's name. I'm even planning on paying and changing it back before the divorce comes through, as that will take ages.

I changed. After an initial bit of sadness DSs we're fine about it. Honestly, it rarely comes up as an issue once they're in high school.

Legally I couldn't keep xh's name without asking his permission. French divorce. Was buggered if I was going to do that.

Could you change it back to be the same as your children later if you wanted to?

Perhaps you could add your surname to the children's as a middle name, they might like that.

I know someone who used her step fathers surname on all informal stuff and at school because her father wouldn't let her change it. He let her change it when she was sixteen in time for her GCSEs.

@SpringBunnies @PoppyCocky

You don’t need to apply for consent if you are traveling with small kids with different names.
I do and have traveled for years not sharing names.
All you will need is to take birth certificates, and in your case - a name change document of sorts that will show you had the Name on the birth certificate.

I have only been asked twice. Once - when I had nothing with me - and they then asked the kids who I am.
It’s not a legal requirement in the U.K. btw and a lot of people complain about it.

My kids never cared what my name was. It is possible that for your child - it’s less what name it is - and more the change as part of their family unit breakdown.

Do what you think you need. It will be OK.

I Dunno, I’d think about why you were happy to give up your name, when you seemingly viewed it as your identity,
and why you see your current name as your ex’s name and not your name or your children’s names, when clearly it must have been yours and their name for a number of years
do only men own names?
I don’t mean any of that in a rude way, just to question your thinking
at what point is a name your own?

id also worry my children would feel I was distancing myself from their name and part of them.

I thought about changing my name on divorce but I don't like my maiden name. I've retained my married name, which I've had for more years than my maiden name, and consider it less 'his' name but 'my' name that I've taken over. It's all a matter of perspective I think.

Do what feels right for you. I'm sure your children will get used to the change, and of course you'll always be 'mum' to them.

When I reverted to my maiden name I reclaimed something of myself. When I married again DH was very happy for me to stick with my own name.

No regrets at all.