How to get over unrequited crush

Frankbutchersfangs · 2023-03-30T19:16:03+00:00

On my colleague who I have to see several times a week? It’s so painful and it’s making me feel depressed because I know the feelings aren’t reciprocated and plus it’s a bad idea to date at work. I just feel this gut wrenching emptiness that he isn’t attracted to me. I never thought of him in that way until he paid me some attention and since then the obsession has taken over my mind. He’s stopped giving me any special attention now but I can’t get back to how I felt about him before, which I want more than anything.

Bookridden · 30/03/2023 20:50

It's going to have to be as close to no-contact as you can practically go OP. Complete no contact is probably not possible, but you should be looking to minimise. Cut social media contact, and slowly withdraw from him as much as possible (within the bounds of professionalism). Alongside, begin to step up self care. Look at the website "living with limerence". Be kind to yourself. It's hell on earth.

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 30/03/2023 20:53

Bookridden · 30/03/2023 20:50

It's going to have to be as close to no-contact as you can practically go OP. Complete no contact is probably not possible, but you should be looking to minimise. Cut social media contact, and slowly withdraw from him as much as possible (within the bounds of professionalism). Alongside, begin to step up self care. Look at the website "living with limerence". Be kind to yourself. It's hell on earth.

Thank you for your reply @Bookridden it certainly feels like hell on earth. My brain keeps trying to trick me into why he might like me, but the rational part knows that he doesn’t, not in that way anyway. It’s awful 😢

OP posts:

Bookridden · 30/03/2023 21:03

You know the mantra. If he's into you, he'll find a way to let you know. If he really likes you, being shy or busy wouldn't stop him from making a move. If you feel uncertain, it might be that part of him enjoys the ego and validation he gets from your flirty interactions, but for whatever reason, he doesn't care enough to take it forward. And ultimately, you deserve better than someone who uses you for a quick ego boost.

Just out of interest, how's your self esteem generally? Do you have people giving you validation or admiration in real life? Was his attention giving you a real dopamine high? Do you find yourself stalking his social media, checking when he was last active on WhatsApp etc?

Dreamer20 · 30/03/2023 21:08

Why don’t you try online dating and see if you can meet someone else to take your mind off this guy? Also have you considered that you might be really bored at work and your mind is just looking for a distraction?

jenniferpearson78 · 30/03/2023 21:09

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time because your colleague doesn't feel the same way about you. The first thing you need to do is accept that they don't feel the same way about you. I know it's easier to say than to do, but it's an important part of getting better. It's important to understand that you can't make someone like you.

Next, try to get as far away from that person as you can without being rude or unkind. Avoid being alone with him and try to pay attention to your work and your other coworkers. It's also a good idea to keep your mind off things by doing things outside of work, like hobbies or sports.

Keep in mind that it's not a good idea to date someone you work with, so it's probably best to move on from this attraction and look for love elsewhere. There is a lot of fish in the sea, and in time you'll find someone who feels the same way about you.

Be kind to yourself in the meantime and give yourself time to heal. It's fine to feel sad and upset but don't let it take over your life. If you need to, talk to a friend or a therapist, and try to stay positive.

Keep going, and I wish you the best of luck!

pinkfondu · 30/03/2023 21:09

You need to find the ick, there must be something you can focus on

suzyscat · 30/03/2023 21:10

Focus on their eyebrows. If you stare at any bodies eyebrows for long enough they start to look ridiculous. Not in the office though, find a picture.

Also try OLD to distract yourself.

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 30/03/2023 21:18

Bookridden · 30/03/2023 21:03

You know the mantra. If he's into you, he'll find a way to let you know. If he really likes you, being shy or busy wouldn't stop him from making a move. If you feel uncertain, it might be that part of him enjoys the ego and validation he gets from your flirty interactions, but for whatever reason, he doesn't care enough to take it forward. And ultimately, you deserve better than someone who uses you for a quick ego boost.

Just out of interest, how's your self esteem generally? Do you have people giving you validation or admiration in real life? Was his attention giving you a real dopamine high? Do you find yourself stalking his social media, checking when he was last active on WhatsApp etc?

Yeah my self esteem is low tbf. I always feel like I’m aging badly and unattractive, no matter how much people tell me I’m not.

yes I got a real high from the attention - sounds cheesy but put a real spring in my step and I felt beautiful; music sounded better; had more energy for working out and looked forward to going to work - now I dread it 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 30/03/2023 21:20

Frankbutchersfangs · 30/03/2023 21:18

Yeah my self esteem is low tbf. I always feel like I’m aging badly and unattractive, no matter how much people tell me I’m not.

yes I got a real high from the attention - sounds cheesy but put a real spring in my step and I felt beautiful; music sounded better; had more energy for working out and looked forward to going to work - now I dread it 😢

Show quote history

Have managed to restrain myself from checking social media past week or so but was checking regularly at one point.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 30/03/2023 21:49

pinkfondu · 30/03/2023 21:09

You need to find the ick, there must be something you can focus on

It’s really weird but I did just literally not find him attractive at all to begin with until the attention started and now I can’t get the attraction to go away. My heart races when he’s in the same area and then drops to my stomach when he goes away again and I know he doesn’t like me in that way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 30/03/2023 21:51

Dreamer20 · 30/03/2023 21:08

Why don’t you try online dating and see if you can meet someone else to take your mind off this guy? Also have you considered that you might be really bored at work and your mind is just looking for a distraction?

Lol 😂 yea I’m terribly bored at work but it’s comfortable and fits in with my lifestyle (kids etc.)

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 30/03/2023 21:52

jenniferpearson78 · 30/03/2023 21:09

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time because your colleague doesn't feel the same way about you. The first thing you need to do is accept that they don't feel the same way about you. I know it's easier to say than to do, but it's an important part of getting better. It's important to understand that you can't make someone like you.

Next, try to get as far away from that person as you can without being rude or unkind. Avoid being alone with him and try to pay attention to your work and your other coworkers. It's also a good idea to keep your mind off things by doing things outside of work, like hobbies or sports.

Keep in mind that it's not a good idea to date someone you work with, so it's probably best to move on from this attraction and look for love elsewhere. There is a lot of fish in the sea, and in time you'll find someone who feels the same way about you.

Be kind to yourself in the meantime and give yourself time to heal. It's fine to feel sad and upset but don't let it take over your life. If you need to, talk to a friend or a therapist, and try to stay positive.

Keep going, and I wish you the best of luck!

Thanks @jenniferpearson78
im going to try to avoid looking at him or interacting as much as is possible without being rude or impolite

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 21:55

This is going to sound like 90s magazine dating advice but -

OK well first, you need to ask yourself if maybe you've been feeling bit starved of attention. Hense falling fir the first guy to pay you some. Is low self esteem an issue for you?

Second,whats with that defeatist attitude?! Just because he doesn't fancy you now, doesn't mean you can't change that.

You know what this means?
It's makeover time!!!

PoppyCocky · 31/03/2023 04:16

You need to kill all hope of it being returned attraction. As long as you think there is a chance, the crush will continue.
You also need a new hobby or distraction.
You could try developing a crush on someone else that is safe and far away like a celebrity.

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 31/03/2023 06:45

PoppyCocky · 31/03/2023 04:16

You need to kill all hope of it being returned attraction. As long as you think there is a chance, the crush will continue.
You also need a new hobby or distraction.
You could try developing a crush on someone else that is safe and far away like a celebrity.

Yes you’re right I do. Everytime I get that glimmer of hope I need to crush it by remembering what the horrible sinking feeling is like when I get disappointed.

OP posts:

Veronica8 · 31/03/2023 10:41

I'm curious as to why you think he doesn't feel the same? Perhaps he does and has backed off now because of it? Not because he isn't in to you?
@Frankbutchersfangs

zoest · 31/03/2023 10:44

How do you know he doesn't feel the same @Frankbutchersfangs what happened?

Flyinggeesei234 · 31/03/2023 10:51

Are you both single OP?

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 31/03/2023 10:55

Hi @zoest and @Veronica8
he showed a lot of interest initially: brushing against me in the corridor with a big smile on his face, complimenting me, gazing at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, joking about us meeting for a date whenever we met each other by accident out and about in the workplace; asking details about my personal life (that he hasn’t asked others), constantly coming in and out of my office and always seeking eye contact with me. I went on holiday and I came back and the behaviour I had noticed before disappeared to just the normal friendly behaviour of a co-worker with no spark. In addition, he hardly ever comes into my office now and when he does he doesn’t talk as much as before. He speaks to everyone the same as he does me and doesn’t secretly gaze at me when he thinks I’m not looking.

OP posts:

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 31/03/2023 10:57

Flyinggeesei234 · 31/03/2023 10:51

Are you both single OP?

Yes as far as I’m aware. I definitely am but I don’t really know too much about his life - he doesn’t really divulge information to anyone. He has mentioned when he is going out with the boys and his kids but never mentions a wife or a significant other. Maybe he is in a long term relationship?

OP posts:

Whatthefnow · 31/03/2023 11:11

I'm sorry to hear this op. I've fancied a colleague but for me it has turned out differently. It will just fade over time I think for you.

PoppyCocky · 31/03/2023 11:37

I hate this hot and cold messing with you thing because I'm not a person who flirts for an ego boost or when I don't mean it (typical Taurus!) but some people do it, get cold feet for whatever reason and back off. There is a chance he will be flirty again later and repeat the cycle.
Your story reminded me of this quote which I hope you take as a sign that he's not the one and the right man won't make you guess is he or isn't he he will be very clear minded about you and about his intentions:
“Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great.”
― Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

Veronica8 · 31/03/2023 15:23

Hmm that's very confusing the way he went cold like that after you came back from holidays. It could still mean he is still into you but trying to hid it. Maybe the time away prooved how much he liked you and it freaked him out...
How long has been this way with you now?

Original poster

Frankbutchersfangs · 01/04/2023 13:53

Veronica8 · 31/03/2023 15:23

Hmm that's very confusing the way he went cold like that after you came back from holidays. It could still mean he is still into you but trying to hid it. Maybe the time away prooved how much he liked you and it freaked him out...
How long has been this way with you now?

About a month now

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 01/04/2023 14:16

I think you might have to learn that having a crush is quite an immature way of finding life 'hell', and that if you wait for a bit, this time of discomfort will pass by.

What do you do, day to day, that feels good, to you? What do you do that you absolutely love? I suspect that you're not providing yourself with what you need, and so all the possibilities in life are eggs in this one basket, 'him'.

He's just a bloke. Just one. He's not the key to your escape from hell. This is your own life. Are you really going to make it about him? Or are you going to look for something better to do?