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Original poster

Is ok to plan to leave partner months ahead.

27 replies

Honeybee7575 · 30/03/2023 19:31

I feel I need to leave my partner but know i cannot do it at the moment as I'm not emotionally strong enough due to other things I have to deal with.
He drinks so much but is still able to hold down a job (just). The thing is I don't want to leave him but know his drinking will affect me in the long term and I need to plan ahead so that I can deal with the separation emotionally. I feel bad that I am hiding this from him. There are other things too that just don't sit right with me and now I think I'd rather be on my own than end up feeling worthless.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/03/2023 21:05

Yes, it's fine. It takes time to work out your next steps.

It's not like telling him at this stage is going to make it easier or happier for either of you in the meantime, is it?

This way you can do it more cleanly and be sure.

jenniferpearson78 · 30/03/2023 21:22

It's totally okay to plan ahead when leaving a partner, especially if you need to take care of your emotional health. Be honest with yourself and realize that you deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and supportive. Even though it's typical to feel guilty about keeping this secret from your partner, it's better to be safe than sorry. If you do choose to have that conversation with them, do so with compassion and understanding while maintaining your resolve.

Don't forget that taking care of yourself should always come first. You can do it!

qqq82 · 30/03/2023 21:35

I wish I'd planned better when leaving my alcoholic exh instead of getting to the end of my tether and blowing my top
Things would be much easier now

gerbilcrocus · 30/03/2023 21:50

Far, far better to plan your exit carefully than to suddenly leave without any preparation.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 30/03/2023 22:14

It's fine. Of course you feel bad, you'd be pretty cold if you didn't feel odd about it. But this is necessary, it's self-preservation and it's the kindest thing.

Changeforachange · 30/03/2023 22:18

It's fine to plan.
It's very sensible in fact.

It's also fine to know it needs to end, but not be ready to do that yet. One thing at a time.

Original poster
Honeybee7575 · 31/03/2023 10:26

Thank you everyone. I'm going to keep going at the moment. I'm studying at the moment so that's one of the reasons I don't want to do it just yet as I know I'm going to be in a bit of a state and don't want it affecting my studies. Thanks again.

OP posts:
nighttalker · 31/03/2023 17:49

Yes! But take care, don't tell anyone you aren't 100% sure of, cover your tracks etc

iloveautumn3 · 31/03/2023 17:53

I'm in the same boat it is not easy to just up and leave. Just trying to find somewhere to rent is a nightmare. Rent costs, you need to earn so much to rent this place or that place. Need to save as well.

GhostBridezilla · 31/03/2023 17:57

Yes it’s ok but it’s also shitty. You’re not giving them a chance to change or deal with it. You’ll drop a bomb and be out the door as their heart is breaking. It happened to a friend and they were devastated because they weren’t given a chance to save the marriage. By the time they knew it was on the rocks, it was over.
does your partner deserve a heads up? Do they at least have an indication that you’re not happy? Have they had a chance to change?

thecatsmeows · 31/03/2023 18:09

Back when I was married to my first husband, I'd known for a long while that I wanted to leave...unfortunately I blurted it out one evening when I was in a bad mood. I was only working part time at a job I'd recently started and had no savings. I've often thought since that if I'd waited a couple of years, until the job became full time, saved some money and got some legal advice I would have been far better off, in every sense of the word. Living with my ex wasn't difficult, because I hardly saw him as it was and even when I did we got on reasonably well. The problem was he was so laid back and seemed not to have an opinion/voice on ANYTHING - which had become intolerable to me. Any question I asked him, the reply was always 'I don't know'...it was impossible to have a discussion with him, it was like talking to a brick wall.

I had always thought that he wasn't bothered whether I was there or not - and that was proved when he had a new girlfriend 2 weeks after I'd left.

CheekyHobson · 01/04/2023 04:38

Of course it's fine. You are under no obligation to tell your partner every thought in your head.

If your partner has a serious drinking issue (as well as other issues that don't sit right with you) that is affecting your relationship, it's important to understand he is also avoiding certain important conversations.

As for the PP's comment that it's not fair to leave without giving him a chance to fix things, if you are feeling that you don't want to leave, but have decided to anyway, it seems likely that you have already raised the drinking as an issue and nothing has changed, or you know that he does not regard his drinking as an issue and won't change it with an ultimatum.

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/04/2023 04:44

It’s fine. I read in a forum a woman talking about how she found out her DH was cheating, she stayed long enough to study and get a full time job first. It was about five years I think. The main reason was waiting for the OW to be too old to have children as she didn’t want the stress of that in her own kids. So plenty of people stay and plan for many reasons.

MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 04:54

I'd be mightily pissed off and feel betrayed if I were your husband for using me but then again his drinking is a huge problem which could cause death to you or others. If you can hang around until you're ready I assume he's not so very bad. I think it's terrible to blindside a decent partner like this but I don't know the details of whether he is abusive or not, I have mixed feelings about problem drinkers as some just get mellow and sleepy and some people have low threshold of what they consider a drinking problem.
It's not great but your relationship sounds toxic anyway.

MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 04:58

I think staying with a cheater is very different, a drinker has a huge problem with themselves though they are sick a cheater is different and so giving a big fuck you for a cheater and using them to gain your life goals is different than using a person who is struggling with an addiction, addicts usually have a HUGE mental health problem or trauma and they aren't coping well. I don't think it's a fair comparison at all. Furthermore, if you are living with an addict there can be financial consequences, your safety at home is at risk for example of domestic fire or leaving the door open or them crashing the car or killing someone or neglecting pets when you're gone and it's their job or if you have children in the house seeing this... a cheater can put you at STD risk but you can choose to stop having sex however the actions of an addict are harder to manage and stay safe and away from. They are unpredictable and scary. I can compartmentalise a cheater but not an addict or problem drinker.

dudsville · 01/04/2023 05:01

I gave a long term marriage a year from the time i made the decision. In that time i didn't tell him, i didn't want him to live under a threat or to feel manipulated by an ultimatum. I tried through discussions and changing my own behaviour to affect positive changes in the relationship, then as the time approached and nothing had changed my feelings had time to gather evidence. I felt stronger and ready to leave. We don't always have a choice, but where you can make plan things out is for the best.

SquidwardBound · 01/04/2023 05:07

Planning ahead is a good idea. It doesn’t matter if he feels pissed off about that. If it’s possible to get everything sorted as much as possible so you can leave in an efficient and safe manner, that’s clearly a good idea.

Just be aware you may find circumstances forced you to move quicker than you’d planned.

category12 · 01/04/2023 08:35

GhostBridezilla · 31/03/2023 17:57

Yes it’s ok but it’s also shitty. You’re not giving them a chance to change or deal with it. You’ll drop a bomb and be out the door as their heart is breaking. It happened to a friend and they were devastated because they weren’t given a chance to save the marriage. By the time they knew it was on the rocks, it was over.
does your partner deserve a heads up? Do they at least have an indication that you’re not happy? Have they had a chance to change?

It's likely op has already had those conversations, possibly multiple times. There's only so many times you can go over the same ground.

Very unusual for someone to be genuinely completely unaware their partner is unhappy in the relationship - more often it's putting their heads in the sand. More a case of I didn't think you really meant it, than you never told me.

qqq82 · 01/04/2023 09:25

If the op is anything like me she will already have given the addict in her life multiple 'final chances' to seek help and try to change.

Original poster
Honeybee7575 · 01/04/2023 17:12

He knows he has issues with drink. We've discussed it and I have told him that only he can decide what he does with his life. However I did say that once it starts impacting on the relationship I won't be able to handle and that time is very close. I'm fed up with having conversations that he never remembers. I'm fed up now with feeling ashamed of his drinking. He wants to stay with me and plan a future but there really is no future as things like his job and health will be affected and while I just sit back and watch him drink our relationship away. I don't give up easily and I have a big heart but there's only so much you can take.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/04/2023 17:16

Well done for getting organised and putting your studies first.

His drinking will onlybget worse.

You will end up with a project to fix, care for, mind.

Everything in the relationship will be about him.

Life is too short.

Finish your studies and get out.

Ichosetheredpill · 01/04/2023 17:37

Oh yes. Get everything organised until you’re ready to walk away. That’s what I did with exDH. There’s nothing wrong with that, if you have the luxury of the time to do it. When there are issues such as drinking you have to look after yourself first.

BlüeöysterCunt · 01/04/2023 17:46

There's nothing wrong with self preservation. Everyone deserves that. Make sure you're totally ready and then leave

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/04/2023 18:13

GhostBridezilla · 31/03/2023 17:57

Yes it’s ok but it’s also shitty. You’re not giving them a chance to change or deal with it. You’ll drop a bomb and be out the door as their heart is breaking. It happened to a friend and they were devastated because they weren’t given a chance to save the marriage. By the time they knew it was on the rocks, it was over.
does your partner deserve a heads up? Do they at least have an indication that you’re not happy? Have they had a chance to change?

No, it isn't shitty. It's just self preservation.

They'll just crawl back inside their bottle as they have done a thousand times before when they've had the chance to change but chosen to preserve their relationship with their one true love - oblivion.

TheSilentSister · 01/04/2023 19:44

I'm all for 'getting your ducks in a row' before ending a relationship. However, in reality it is quite hard to continue without letting your true feelings show. I'm not good at pretending everything is fine when it's not. Luckily something happened which hastened my exit without any guilt on my part. Basically he got done for drink driving, blamed me for getting caught (yes, unbelievable!) so I ended things and never looked back. The relief was enormous.

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