Is this normal - I can’t cope

[LostDrowning]

Me and husband separated 8ish months ago.
I asked for the separation, he did not want it.
He is constantly shouting and arguing and guilting at me that I’m just chucking him away, I must never have loved him, that he’s trying and I’m not, he will never move on, if I do it will be anarchy (that was his words).
the separation has been a long time coming, After quite a broken mental health meltdown moment and sticking myself in therapy I’ve been working through years of emotional abuse and sexual coercion amongst just toxicity and two people bringing out the worst in each other. I’ve had some harsh relocations in myself too and basically just wanted out. As much as he protests it all came from nowhere it hasn’t, for years I tried telling him, screaming at him, even resting him how I feeling to always be met with being told I was either just tired or angry or promises of change that lasted a Couple weeks.
He keeps telling me that all this is in the past, that I need to let it go and see he’s changed and try, if I don’t I never loved him. That he can’t just switch his feelings off like me. He literally was in the house shouting at me for like an hour today then after leaving sends me a voice note with how sorry he is he’s just hurt and loves me so much.

we argued the other day because every time he comes round and says bye he touches me. Just like a squeeze of the leg or the shoulder etc but I asked him not too and he said he couldn’t help it he loves me.

is this normal in a break up? Am I being heartless. Am I just chucking him away

I feel like such a mess.
I can’t stand seeing him hurt but then I also can’t deal with all these arguments and guilting and begging.

He sounds manipulative. Don't see him or talk to him anymore. Move on.

Stop talking to him and stop allowing him in your home. Block him. You have to take control here, op. He will worm himself in at any opportunity.

Why are you still seeing him?

Stop facilitating this. Don’t let him in the house, don’t answer his calls, block his number, delete his texts before reading them.

This sounds very similar to my situation and it ended in him breaking into my house and assaulting me after finding out I was seeing someone new.

Men like this use emotional manipulation to get what they want and can get very nasty when you put up boundaries.

do you have children together? I have children with my ex which is why I still had contact with him but if you don’t then block, delete, disengage. He will never see your pov unfortunately

Do you have DC? If not then why is he coming over and causing you stress?

My dad recently split with his partner and has been acting like this, he was the same when my mum kicked him out, he just can’t let go and has to cause an argument every time he see’s her, it’s not expectable. Yes he’s upset but he needs to move on and stop causing more stress.

I would try and not have contact with him, if you have DC together then make set arrangements for when he collects them, he doesn’t need to hang around making you angry. If you don’t have kids then make sure all his things are out of the house and tell him not to return.

We have 3 children together, it’s really hard to just cut him off just like that. He’s trying so hard to change and in that is being a better more hands on dad so has been collecting them from school, dropping them here, coming in and spending time with them etc.

I also hate knowing I’m hurting him, he’s hurt me so many times and I’m broken, angry and upset by it all , I’ve been working with WA to process everything as the whole marriage is a shit show (I am not perfect either) but yet I still hate that I am hurting him and can’t bear it … how fucked up is that.
He’s currently sending voice notes crying down the phone and I feel so bad.

part of me agrees with you all and then this other part of me thinks, but isn’t this just because he loves me and is desperate

I’ve seen the script so many times I could have written it for you! He’s sad, desperate to get back with you then the cycle will continue. Next, he’ll get angry and threaten to take the dc (he doesn’t really want them, he’s just trying to still control you). Be strong, OP, emotional abuse and sexual coercion for the next 20 years and more or freedom and a better model for your dc?

@LostDrowning i have a similar situation altho we still live together, at every opportunity he tells me he was willing to try anything, still loves me etc etc but i was trying for 10 years, he only started when i had one foot out the door. I firmly believe it would be more of the same if u allow him change your mind.

He’s desperate that his emotional punching bag has called it a day. Fuck has he changed, his entitled and manipulative behaviour is testament to that. He is his only priority.

You need to practice disengaging and reaffirming your boundaries, he will of course push back but that isn’t your problem.

Hold on OP, getting rid of this immature twat is the start of a better life.

Thing is, "loving" you isn't enough (and I would argue that his version of love is warped and twisted imitation).

If he loved you properly and healthily, it wouldn't have got to this - he wouldn't have emotionally abused you or sexually coerced you.

He's desperate because his emotional punchbag and sex object is escaping him. He's upset because he's not getting his way any more and he's losing his cosy lifestyle, where he had you under his control.

He never gave a shit about your pain during the relationship. isn't a part of you angry that he can make an effort, but never did while you were together?

Shit, it isn't hard to be nice to someone he professed to love, yet he didn't manage it, he chose to abuse you for years instead.

All the crying and self-pity - it is still all about him, not about loving you.

Stop listening to his voice notes, reduce contact, door-step hand-overs of the children or through a third party like a family member. You feel sorry for him because you're a nice person, but he doesn't deserve it.

He sounds obsessed and like this could escalate.
Do you think he’s collecting the children from school to give him an excuse to come to your house?
I think you need to speak to police and / or Women’s Aid for advice on managing this.
Must be very stressful OP. X

This isn’t you “hurting” him. It’s him being furiously angry that you’ve got away.

He thinks you are an object he owns and is angry he isn’t controlling you any more. I’m sorry you’ve had such a sham of a marriage - he hasn’t cherished and respected you, his version of love is a lie, not love!! He shouldn’t have had to change, he should have been kind and caring if he’d loved you. Pawing at you still is him trying to force his territory, and supposed ownership, still.
You really need to reduce personal contact with him, set better boundaries for your and the children’s sakes. Don’t have him over the doorstep and don’t have contact apart from email or text - that way you have proof of what is said which is safest.
You deserve a gentle life.

Do you think he's letting you build trust with him
Having the kids then he may one day stop you seeing them just to hurt you / make you take him back?

I honestly hope not and I don't know how you can avoid it. Can you see a solicitor?

Tell him not to contact you about anything other than the children, don't let him into the house, get a camera and warn him that you do not consent to him touching you at all and if he does, it will be an assault. Consider applying for a non molestation order.

He is manipulating you. Anyone that cries down the phone is just trying to make you feel bad. He wouldn't have changed. If he had he would t be doing this. Find a way he can see the kids but not you.

Shouting at you for an hour isn't changing nor is groping you every time he is near you.

He isn't picking the kids up and dropping them off and coming in to spend time with them, for the kids or you, is still all about him.

It's a ploy to keep coming into your house to spy on you and to keep seeing you to badger you to take him back and have the chance to grope you.

Nothing has changed with him.
Set firm boundaries with him not allowing him in your home, showing up when he feels like it. If he wants to see the kids he can take them out to his and then bring them back with set visitation days and hours.

How old are the kids?

Stop. Just stop listening to his nonsense.

He can collect the children from school and drop them off at your house. If he wants to spend extra time with them, he can take them somewhere. He'll tell them that you are trying to stop him seeing them so make it clear they know he's welcome to take them out, but not welcome in your home. He touches you when he knows you don't want that. Reason enough.

Stop caring if you are hurting him. You aren't responsible for how he feels. Every time you feel bad because he's unhappy, his control over you is reinforced. Tell yourself, firmly, 'No! Not my problem!'

Stop taking your 'fair share' of the blame. No. Too late for that. Let it go. Later you'll see none of that was your fair share.

Delete any message that arrives with his tears or emotional blackmail. Having children together, I can understand you wouldn't want to make communication by email only - perhaps text? Try that.

isn’t this just because he loves me and is desperate
No, it's because he's a controlling bastard and you are getting away. It will make him not only 'desperate' but also unsafe to be around.

I like the idea of a non mol. Get everything formally recorded.

He’s just upping the manipulation because you’ve had the audacity to take control of the relationship and say ‘enough’ to his abuse and coercion. He’s angry, not sad.

Years of sexual coercion?
So he raped you repeatedly.
He sounds awful and manipulative. He's just annoyed because he's lost control of the situation and of you.
Do your best to ignore him and don't let him come round, as he's being abusive.
Tell him that if he wants to see the children it'll have to be out of the house.

All this crying down the phone nonsense, touching you when you've asked him not too is coercive and controlling. He is abusive. Well done for getting out, now work on your boundaries. Ignore all contact that isn't directly related to childcare. Do not let him in, he can collect them at the door. Keep conversation minimal and don't explain yourself to him.

This.
I had similar when I split with my ex many moons ago. In the end I told him he was right, I never loved him - although that wasn't really true...If it helps, tell yourself you're being cruel to be kind. He needs to know there is no hope of reconciliation. You've moved on. You need to be very firm. I wouldn't worry about hurting him, but DO worry about him hurting you. Put yourself and your children first. You only have one life.
All that said, first priority is to make sure you and your children are safe. He sounds quite dangerous. It's good you're getting advice from women's aid, take it - they know his type all too well.

He's continuing to emotionally abuse you and manipulate you. That's nice he is now more hands on.. shame he couldn't be so hands on when you were struggling with your mental health and crying for help and even as you said 'shouting' at him and he would brush it off.

Sounds like he's putting on an act. If you do take him back he'll slowly revert back to how he was.

Please stick to your guns, my ex was exactly the same (and still is 4 years onto a degree)
I hated hurting anyone and breaking up the family but after years of anger issues and of him not emotionally supporting me, I'd had enough and I didn't love him anymore.
Funnily enough he said exactly the same - I must never had loved him, there must be someone else (like a pp said he also sneaked into my room and rummaged around my private things while pretending to get stuff for kids one day)
He couldnt be arsed putting in the effort through the marriage but now I was the bad guy to end the relationship.
Just leave him, I've never been happier or more free. I'm with someone new now who is opposite and I'm happier than I've ever been now.
I used to think angry was 'passion' but it's not, it's soul destroying and you end up just keeping your mouth shut to avoid conflict. My ex even admits he would argue something with me even if he agreed with me, just to go against me and be right. How fucked up!!
Your children deserve a happy mum.
He's emotionally manipulating you just now and it's working as its so raw for you just now. I always doubted I was making the right decision.
Now I'm 100% sure I did. Stay strong!!

He hasn't changed he's emotionally abusing you. It needs to stop. You need a routine of when he has kids . But he needs to stop having them at yours and stop coming in. Be firm no texts other that child related. Be very clear it's over and you both need to move on. He may turn nasty when he loses control of you. You need to be prepared and stick to your guns. Get support from family or friends and inform police if necessary.