Is this normal - I can’t cope

[LostDrowning]

Me and husband separated 8ish months ago.
I asked for the separation, he did not want it.
He is constantly shouting and arguing and guilting at me that I’m just chucking him away, I must never have loved him, that he’s trying and I’m not, he will never move on, if I do it will be anarchy (that was his words).
the separation has been a long time coming, After quite a broken mental health meltdown moment and sticking myself in therapy I’ve been working through years of emotional abuse and sexual coercion amongst just toxicity and two people bringing out the worst in each other. I’ve had some harsh relocations in myself too and basically just wanted out. As much as he protests it all came from nowhere it hasn’t, for years I tried telling him, screaming at him, even resting him how I feeling to always be met with being told I was either just tired or angry or promises of change that lasted a Couple weeks.
He keeps telling me that all this is in the past, that I need to let it go and see he’s changed and try, if I don’t I never loved him. That he can’t just switch his feelings off like me. He literally was in the house shouting at me for like an hour today then after leaving sends me a voice note with how sorry he is he’s just hurt and loves me so much.

we argued the other day because every time he comes round and says bye he touches me. Just like a squeeze of the leg or the shoulder etc but I asked him not too and he said he couldn’t help it he loves me.

is this normal in a break up? Am I being heartless. Am I just chucking him away

I feel like such a mess.
I can’t stand seeing him hurt but then I also can’t deal with all these arguments and guilting and begging.

It’s ongoing emotional abuse, he hasn’t changed. It’s not normal behaviour but then he is an abuser so he won’t behave normally.

Get advice from Womens Aid. Personally I would say no more coming into the house, delete any voicemails he leaves without listening, block him so far as you can. If it continues so would speak to a solicitor. He’s harassing you and it’s horrible.

It’s not normal for him to be in your house at all.

but I asked him not too and he said he couldn’t help it he loves me.

Doesn't matter what you ask him. If he can't respect your boundaries then no wonder you no longer love him.

Simples. What is not to understand.

I feel for you OP. I'm going through a separation now too. It's my decision based on his behaviour (emotional abuse, stonewalling, isolation) and also intimate image abuse. I'm getting daily appeals from him to reconsider. He tells me I should sit on my hands and allow him to show me that he's changed. I'm 100% set on my decision, this behaviour has gone on for our entire relationship to varying degrees and we have been together nearly 20 years. There is no way on earth I will let that man back into my (shattered) heart but it's still hard to sit there and listen to him begging and crying. You and I feel sympathy because we are good people and they are the fathers of our children and the men we thought we'd spend our lives with. It doesn't mean we are making the wrong decision.

It sounds normal. He's trying to maintain your marriage and you don't. It's easier for you. You have detached (way before he has the news!). He's grieving. He's upset. He wants to try and can't imagine how you don't feel the same he just doesn't understand yet!

You need clear boundaries with him

No touching is the first one.

Be clear you don't give him mixed messages as he will hang onto any ray of hope

His abuse of you continues unabated and I would stop all handovers of your children at your home.

He is well pissed off with himself that he has lost control of you; his touching you is a way of reasserting that level of power and control he has had over you. He will do and say anything to regain that level of power and control.

If you have not already started divorce proceedings I would consider doing this as soon as possible. Your own recovery from his abuses of you (and in turn your kids) will only properly start when you have completely separated from him. Abuse like described can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

Thank you everyone for the replies.
I think where I really struggle is that whilst I can say all that’s happened in our marriage and can see it’s wrong and abusive, I also find it difficult to see him as an abusive person. He’s not a monster and I don’t think he ever meant it to be abusive. I flit so much between so many feelings.
today I have spent most my day feeling sad at the thought of him being alone … like what if he ends up alone all his life because of me.
Whilst he has acted in so many unacceptable ways that I can see and feel the damage it has had on me I also can’t help but feel sorry for him and how he is feeling now. Questing whether I tried enough, communicated enough, if I had said no more firmly and stuck to my boundaries and not giving in for the easy would he have acted in certain ways … I feel like he did things because he know he cold because I set that with constantly giving in for that easy life. Maybe had I not allowed the guilting or had argued back and stayed firm to boundaries I wouldn’t have made him this person.
another thought I had is what if I’ve hurt his self esteem telling him how his actions have been because he seems so hurt by this and said it makes him sick how he’s been he didn’t see it that way at the time.
I do believe he loves me. Maybe I am naive but I do but I also know the thought of going back makes me feel so unbelievably uncomfortable … I can’t win with myself I am so messy headed.

I know him coming by etc isn’t helping but I don’t want to been seen as hindering his relationship with the kids. He does more with them now than he ever did so I’m kinda being careful to keep it up for the kids.

I know I’m not helping either, I have come to rely on him so much that I’m struggling to break away fully … like yesterday I got in my car and it wouldn’t start, I couldn’t for the life of me work it out and rang him. Turns out it was steering lock or something (me and cars) and then today he said if I need him to just call and made a point that he helped me in an emergency yesterday (wasn’t really an emergency, I was literally just parked outside the hairdressers safe in a carpark)

This is all so hard. I’m tired all the time and just so emotionally exhausted fighting it’s myself and my head

You are centring him. His thoughts. His feelings. His future.
Summon your self-discipline and stop.
Every time your mind turns to him, turn it back to you. 'How will he feel if...' becomes 'How will I feel if...'. 'What if he is alone and lonely?' 'What if I am alone and lonely? What if I give up my life to facilitating his?'
You really are mistaken about him being a decent sort at heart and about him 'really loving' you. No, he isn't and he doesn't. We can see that from his behaviour.

"today I have spent most my day feeling sad at the thought of him being alone … like what if he ends up alone all his life because of me."
So he has no autonomy or responsibility in his life to make it good whatsoever? It's all someone else's (your) fault? He can opt out forever from responsibility for his own life and pin it all on you? Come on, he's a full-grown adult man, he can choose to make his life whatever he wants. Couples break up every day and go on to have happy lives.

Maybe had I not allowed the guilting or had argued back and stayed firm to boundaries I wouldn’t have made him this person.
Or maybe he'd have beaten you black and blue or otherwise escalated his attempts at control. A relationship shouldn't be a battle of wills, one person trying desperately to hold onto boundaries while the other tries to bulldoze them.

You didn't make him abusive, you didn't make him abuse you - this has been a choice.

He is constantly shouting = verbal abuse and intimidation
and arguing and guilting at me that I’m just chucking him away, I must never have loved him, = emotional blackmail, manipulation, DARVO (deny attack reverse victim & offender)
that he’s trying and I’m not, he will never move on, if I do it will be anarchy (that was his words). = more emotional blackmail & threats

He's not trying at all - he's continuing the emotional abuse and toxicity. He hasn't changed at all, he's just trying to browbeat and emotionally blackmail you back under him.