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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband packed all his things and walked out on saturday 19th January.......how long should I wait for him to come back

48 replies

keepbelieving · 13/02/2008 13:29

I shall never forget that morning it all started very innocently with me asking him what his plans were for the day and him replying that he's going out. He'd been acting funny for a week adn I tried to get him to talk to me which ended with him saying he had had enough, packed his things with me begging him to stay and then.......he left. Just walked out. I though he would be back, even his best friend believed it but that Saturday night came and went and so did Sunday...and Monday. He said he needed time, space to think. He's refused to take any of my calls and despite being begged by his best friend to call me he has refused. You must be thinking that I did some awful thing, adultery..murder...manslaughter but no. I tried calling him last Wednesday and to my surprised he picked up the phone. We arranged to speak on the phone at 8pm (he was working overtime and I was stil in the office). I decided that as I hadn't seen him in so long I would go to his office and meet him. When he came out and saw me he was soo cold and unfriendly I had never seen him like that before. I tried to get to tell me when or whether he was coming home but he just said that I was pushing him. He had taken off his wedding ring as he said it didn't remind him of anything good. YOu have no idea how badly that hurt me. It was as though he didn't want anything to do with me, so why I asked myself did he take my call and yes he did know it was me calling as I called from my mobile to his. I tried calling the next day and again he answered and said he was at work so couldn't speak, I suggested I call him after work and because he didn't know what time he would finish, suggested I call at say 5pm. When I did, no answer and he hasn't answered my calls since then. It was his birthday recently and I sent him a text. No reply. No thank you. When I saw him on Wednesday I did ask him if he wanted to divorce me (we've been married just over two years) and although I can remember his exact reply....it wasn't yes. I don't know where he's living or who with although by the state of him on Wednesday I'd say he's bunking up with someone. My mind is in turmoil. Surely this is no way to end a marriage if I'm unbearable to live with and he cant stand the sight of me then let me know and we'll go our separate ways. Oh by the why he still has his house key but hasn't been back. I have no idea what to do as I've never been in this position before. My mind swings in so many directions, it's driving me made psychologically and emotionally, it's so wicked what he's doing. If he needs space for whatever reason is that any reason to completely blank me for what is coming up to a month? What on earth do I do?

OP posts:

meemar · 13/02/2008 13:32

I don't know what to say but am very sorry for you. It's a terrible way to treat someone.

How were things between you in the previous months?

janestillhere · 13/02/2008 13:35

Hello, I don't know what to advise love, but I couldn't just read and run.
You must be going out of your head!
I would say to you - you have no idea whtats going through his mind and will do you no good torturing yourself.
Look after yourself - think about no 1 - eat well - be kind to yourself - talk alot to get feelings out with friends etc
You don't deserve silent treatment like this - so unfair and cruel!
Love from Jane

squinny101 · 13/02/2008 13:38

do you have children together? I am sorry this has happened to you it does seem a very cruel way to treat someone. Are you close to his parents - has he said anything to them?

Carmenere · 13/02/2008 13:39

So sorry for you Men rarely leave without somewhere to go and the fact that you don't know where he is staying is ringing alarm bells for me. Prepare yourself for there being another woman on the scene. for you.

LardyMardyDaisyBoo · 13/02/2008 13:43

oh, you poor thing

He sounds like he's being very callous about this, and the least he should do is tell you why he has left rather than leaving you in limbo.

Were you getting on OK prior to this?

AdamRomANTic · 13/02/2008 13:44

He's treating you appallingly. He sounds like a coward who is too spineless to actually talk to you, and is hoping you'll just 'get the message' and dump him. To be very blunt, it doesn't sound like there's much hope for a happy reunion. You do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

I assume you have DC(s) together? I think for their sake you need to get this sorted out. What's your financial situation? Do you have a sole bank account? What about your mortgage?

You need to be businesslike with him. Explain that you need to sort out these practicalities together. It might be a wake up call to him that you're not a doormat. It will also start to put an end to this Limbo you're living in.

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. He sounds like a twat.

ZippiBabes · 13/02/2008 13:56

oh you poor thing

he has been despicably cowardly and nasty with it

my dp left me after 8 years

he wasn't going to tell me either

but i irang him on his mobile and although he didn't hear the call or pick up i over heard him signing a lease on a flat

he was just going to pack and go while i was out

we hadn't argued or anything and he had been planning for a while but i had no idea

anyway

he has to tell you what his plans are or it is just too cruel

i don't know what to suggest but it sounds like he has no plans to come back sadly

LadyOfWaffle · 13/02/2008 14:20

DH did exactly the same to me, a few times last year, and 3 years ago. THe longest he went for though after we were married was about a week, but he did leave me for nearly 4 months with tiny crumbs of contact. Do you have any DC together? Did your relationship get quite full on quite fast? Dh left me to get space (and he had his parents telling him to aswell), I guess he doesn't like to feel trapped. No much advice I can give, I just let DH come back and it hasn't been great since but wanted to give you a {{hug}}

Paddlechick666 · 13/02/2008 14:56

My h has done this on numerous occasions over the lat 2.5yrs

As I am now seeing a divorce solicitor I have no useful advice on how to get him to speak to you.

LOW, tiny crumbs of contact sums it up beautifully for me.

I just want to say that I totally empathise with the range of emotions you are going thru and, if at all possible, put yourself and any dc first.

get as much support as you can and surround yourself with friends and family.

my H's first departure was as a result of a breakdown. is that possible here?

good luck and really hope things work out.

Pan · 13/02/2008 15:01

I know this may be difficult to do, but a golden rule from what yo uhave said is to NOT call him.

To pressurise some kind of meeting, summit or otherwise, will not end well. Chaps often feel emotionally over-whelmed, rabbit in head light stuff, don't 'share', and just run forthe hills. To pursue will v. probably been seen as just that. A pressurised pursuit. Other's relieve daily emotinoal pressure by hanging out at the pub or such.

As and when you do meet or talk, let him do the talking, prompting him if needs be, but no more.

This must be extremely upsetting and apparently v. unfair. But squeezing the bar of soap too tightly and we know what happens.

I may attract a slight flaming for this > Not so. Just looking at damage limitation.

Kimi · 13/02/2008 15:08

do you think he is depressed?

Pan · 13/02/2008 15:13

he doesn't sound like a twat, or any of the other nasties handed out so far.

as for the only evidence of a future, this seemed a positive one - not a 'no' to a divorce.

and not much evidence of another woman either. Steady on.

Quattrocento · 13/02/2008 15:21

This might be normal behaviour to you Pan, but he sounds like a twat to me ...

Pan · 13/02/2008 15:24

didn't say it was 'normal' Quattro. ~Unfortunate responses often practiced by men, yes.

Neither am I sure it is particularly supportive to the OP to have her dh called a twat repeatedly. But that's poster's choices to respond in their own way.

dittany · 13/02/2008 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jesuswhatnext · 13/02/2008 15:27

you poor poor thing!!!!

this happened to me (and dd) 14 years ago!!

let the git go!!!!!

live for you and dcs, IT DOES become easier.

16 years on i have a wonderful dh, dd is happy, settled and doing well in school etc

FUCK HIM

Carmenere · 13/02/2008 15:31

So Pan what if one of your mates dw's just walked out and refused to communicate with him? no matter what way you look at it, it is cold and seemingly hurtful behaviour. And where the fuck is he staying?
Nervous breakdowns aside, if he is not having one he is behaving in an extraordinarily twattish fashion.

Pan · 13/02/2008 15:33

cold and VERY hurtful yes!! B ut it's not happened around these parts. I'll bunk out here.

VinegarTitsOut · 13/02/2008 15:35

Regardsless of whether he is a twat or not, he is treating you very badly and this should not be excused because he is a man, if there are problems he needs to face up to them, not run away. He is a coward.

AdamRomANTic · 13/02/2008 15:41

Pan - let's get real here. He's walked out on the OP (and possibly their child) without explanation. The male 'rabbit-in the headlights/not-being-able-to-deal-with-emotions' stuff is a load of bollocks.

Short of him having a mental breakdown, I can see no explanation for this behaviour other than him being a cowardly twat.

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 13/02/2008 15:46

I have never experienced this but for what it's worth I agree a non-emotional (easy for me to say I know!) chat about practicalities is probably the way to go - maybe via his best friend? You do need to sort out bank accounts etc anyway and also discuss arranging contact with the kids. The formal approach may work best, and perhaps seek some professional help and advice for yourself so that whatever happens you have support and know what to do in all eventualities.

Big hugs to you, I can't imagine how awful you must be feeling right now.

Pan · 13/02/2008 15:47

no, of course it isn't an excuse, whatsoever at all. It's an observable fact and I am saying it by way of explanation, NOT to excuse. We are informed that blokes are much more emotionally less able than women, which I largely go along with. So this behaviour is pretty consistent with what we already know.

Still stand by 1. Horrible circumstance 2. don't chase 3. not supportive to repeatedly see dh being called a twat. 4. only indication of his intent for future is NOT a negative one.

bunk!!

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 13/02/2008 15:48

Oh and feeling like you are doing something may give you some control which will help your mental state.

Nothing worse than having no control over your life.

Don't forget that YOU also have the right to decide what YOU want to do, not just him.

mollyjoe · 13/02/2008 15:49

Well said Vinegar "He is a coward"

Sending you a big hug.xx

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 13/02/2008 15:52

Gosh this is terribly sad. His behavior sounds exactly like the 15 year old boy who broke my heart. Maybe you are better without someone so childish and callous and have to try to move on?

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