My husband packed all his things and walked out on saturday 19th January.......how long should I wait for him to come back

[keepbelieving]

I shall never forget that morning it all started very innocently with me asking him what his plans were for the day and him replying that he's going out. He'd been acting funny for a week adn I tried to get him to talk to me which ended with him saying he had had enough, packed his things with me begging him to stay and then.......he left. Just walked out. I though he would be back, even his best friend believed it but that Saturday night came and went and so did Sunday...and Monday. He said he needed time, space to think. He's refused to take any of my calls and despite being begged by his best friend to call me he has refused. You must be thinking that I did some awful thing, adultery..murder...manslaughter but no. I tried calling him last Wednesday and to my surprised he picked up the phone. We arranged to speak on the phone at 8pm (he was working overtime and I was stil in the office). I decided that as I hadn't seen him in so long I would go to his office and meet him. When he came out and saw me he was soo cold and unfriendly I had never seen him like that before. I tried to get to tell me when or whether he was coming home but he just said that I was pushing him. He had taken off his wedding ring as he said it didn't remind him of anything good. YOu have no idea how badly that hurt me. It was as though he didn't want anything to do with me, so why I asked myself did he take my call and yes he did know it was me calling as I called from my mobile to his. I tried calling the next day and again he answered and said he was at work so couldn't speak, I suggested I call him after work and because he didn't know what time he would finish, suggested I call at say 5pm. When I did, no answer and he hasn't answered my calls since then. It was his birthday recently and I sent him a text. No reply. No thank you. When I saw him on Wednesday I did ask him if he wanted to divorce me (we've been married just over two years) and although I can remember his exact reply....it wasn't yes. I don't know where he's living or who with although by the state of him on Wednesday I'd say he's bunking up with someone. My mind is in turmoil. Surely this is no way to end a marriage if I'm unbearable to live with and he cant stand the sight of me then let me know and we'll go our separate ways. Oh by the why he still has his house key but hasn't been back. I have no idea what to do as I've never been in this position before. My mind swings in so many directions, it's driving me made psychologically and emotionally, it's so wicked what he's doing. If he needs space for whatever reason is that any reason to completely blank me for what is coming up to a month? What on earth do I do?

hugs to you KB

You need to think about the dynamic if he does come back - whether you can rebuild things - whether you want to ...

Concentrate on how you feel rather than how he feels and work on the practicalities

Oh and he is a twat

you know Pan, you really are being irritating? Not quite as irritating as the twattish husband, but nearly.

This is the saddest thing I have read in a while. My heart really goes out to you keepbelieving. There is not much you can do apart from carrying on with you life a perhaps keep a little bit of hope (if you want your husband back that is) but not too much so that you are not too disappointed if things don't improve between you.

I sort of understand where Pan is coming from

I agree men are less capable of dealing with things emotional in many cases. They can't deal with their feelings and the possible consequences of their actions and confrontation so they just run away. Head in sand.

And I think it IS a sad truth that the more you hassle them and back them into a corner the deeper their heads go

Obv this is a generalisation and NOT all men are like this but I do think it is a very common reaction from a man under emotional pressure.

Now, clearly you don't know WHAT the pressure is. He could be depressed. He could have another woman. He could be gay. He could have contracted an STD and thinks he has passed it on to you. But there is SOMETHING there that for some reason he can't face telling you so he would rather run away.

Can you get him into a relate session? Or if not get yourself into one to try and work out how best to approach this.

Could you just ask him

Is there something you want to tell me but feel you can't

I actually thought Pan was trying to be useful and provide an insight in "men thinking". Why the Pan bashing?

Until you work out what his problem is I don't think there is any point in pontificating about what you might do about it.

Pan's comments have been very helpful, as far as I can see.

Sorry you're going through this, kb. It must all seem very surreal and out-of-control. I'm afraid there aren't any quick routes out of heartache, but I hope that you can at least get to the bottom of his behaviour, if only for your peace of mind.

Take control of the situation - he is relying on the fact that you are going to sit around and let him get away with this behaviour!

Er No!

You pack up all of his stuff, demand his key back or at least to know when he is visiting the marital home. You tell him he is having DCs at certain times and that you are seeing a solicitor re your rights.

You do not have to be treated like this - I have a friend who went through this last year and her husband actually only realised the gravity of what he had done when she started writing the rules!

Pressure - bollocks to that! I wouldn't even bother with threats tell him what is happening - do not pander to someone who has it in him to treat you like this - do you think his actions are those of someone who wants this marraige to work - do you want your marraige to work to this twerp - someone who treats you so appallingly?

You are being walked over and shat on from a great height and you are letting him do it - you need to get some self respect (not saying that in a nasty way at all though).

And another crappy gender stereotype to add to the mixing pot: women have a tendency to blame themselves for their DP's inexplicably shitey behaviour (the OP makes several statements that indicate that she's wonderign what she has done wrong).

I think I and many of the other posters are trying to highlight the fact that whatever he is doing is not her fault (regardless of what problems there may be in their marriage).

This might not help at all, but a few years ago, the same thing happened to two of my best friends.

In the first case the guys really was a twat and a coward and moved to Australia without telling her one month after they had moved into their brand new flat. She was left heart broken, to sort out the mess and with all the bills to pay (which she couldn't afford on her own).

In the other case, the guys also disappeared and would reply to his phone but didn't want to talk etc.. and my friend did like the OP. We all called the guy a twat and a coward and a loser. Turns out he had depression and a mental illness and he just couldn't deal with whatever pressure he was under. They never got back together, but at least my friend although heartbroken understood that this had nothing to do with her and that he did genuinely lover her in his own way, which helped her get over it to a certain extent.

I agree with what Pan says about not putting pressure on or trying (too hard) to understand his position.

Not from the perspective of giving him space, more from the perspective of NOT defining your own attitudes by reference to how he feels, but more by how you feel.

So the first question is not - does he still want me, but do I still want him? Given that this is how he makes me or has made me feel.

To all those saying that men are less able to deal with their emotions etc, let's not lose sight of the fact that this has been going on for a month.

This is not a few evenings of moody silence, or a weekend with a best mate to get his head together. This is a month of bare minimum contact.

keepbelieving the same sort of thing happened to me but it was the case of we had been Married for 2 years (no kids thank god) i came home from work 17th Jan 03 with a chicken for dinner and our flat was empty he had cleared out everything worth anything there was a note on the side saying that he was unhappy and in order for him to be happy he felt he had to leave - The night before we had gone to bed as normal with a kiss and I love you I dropped him at work that day as usual (that was the last time I have seen or spoken to him) I tried to contact him but his work told me he had left and his parents wouldnt tell me where he had gone he also never answered his phone it was as though he had died! looking back he did me a favour although at the time it felt like my heart had been torn out and i cried myself to sleep every night for months 6 months later i met my now DH who is a lovely caring man and I am pregnant with my second child I do think that if we had sat down and spoke about it we would have ended it anyway!

I really do think for your own sanity you need to focus on the future one without this man in it he sounds like a coward that cant tell you its over!

You will be Ok and you will get over him good luck x

Personally, I think he is probably avoiding the OP's emotions more than his own. He will know the pain he is causing but he very selfishly is refusing to deal with it. Another reason why he was angry and cold with her, he doesn't want to deal with it. He is keeping her at a distance on all levels, physically and emotionally.

Spot on TimeForMe

Darlin, get yourself some good RL support - I can't even imagine how hard it must be to not know why...

This has reminded me of my brother. His wife had an affair, they split up, are in the middle of a divorce. He has been torturing himself with "why did this happen" (even though she has tried to explain). He is bitter, twisted, and has turned into a scary and unpleasant person

Anyways
Good Luck

Lotsa

Don't ever ever blame yourself - it is nothing you have done, please believe that.

How do you actually feel though a few weeks on, do you want him back? Do you want this sort of man in your life? Would you trust him again?

Please start thinking about yourself - dont beat yourself up want answers why has he done this - it really isn't the way to be going on at the moment and most of us never get the answer from someone who behaves like this - we get statements.

Concentrate on yourslef and take very good care of you.

You should not blame yourself for any of this.
I would say this smacks of a guy who has done something he is ashamed of, that he feels guilty about. Rather than face it, he is running from it. Being around you, having contact with you, only serves to make him feel more of a heel than he already does. Thats why he is keeping you at a distance.

Allow him the space to sort himself out. Let him come to you. Meanwhile, you take really good care of yourself. Get your self prepared for when he does eventually get in touch. Be strong xxx

Everyday I think about the whole thing and swing between deciding to wait for him to come home and them - and I'm so ashamed to say this - I'm scared he'll forgot me. I know that sounds awful but when together we had such a great connection and we both said that we had never felt so free with a partner before. I just cant believe he can be this hurtful and when I think of it it hurts me even more. We don't have any children. I did think that he was probably depressed and when I saw him he didn't look like someone who was being cared for by a loving other woman. The funny thing is he hasn't told any ofh is friends - apart from his best friend- that he's not at home. He tells them that I'm fine. His behaviour is so strange. Sometimes I feel so mad that he's treating me like this but I really do love and have never been as happy with any man as I have been with him - up until now that is. But you don't want to think that he can just throw me away and I will just give up calling like some school girl that he picked up in a nightclub and then decides that he's no longer interested. I want him to come out and make it know that he doesn't want me anymore. Even if we get divorced he will have to speak with me because he has the original marriage certificate and I've looked into it and the courts must have a certified copy so what does he think this silence is achieving. I do wonder whether he has done something he is ashamed of. Even if he gives the key to his best friend then he will have made a clear statement about his intentions and I will be in no doubt. Oh this is just awful I don't know how I've managed to keep sane.

You poor love. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

Whatever his reasons, he is not ready or prepared to share them with you yet. I agree that the way he has treated you is quite dispicable but, if this is out of character for him then I would say you have to give him the benefit of the doubt but, at the same time, give him the space he so obviously needs. How do you feel about sending him a text saying something along the lines of " I have decided to repsect your need for space but hope that you will soon show me the same respect and contact me. I am here when you are ready to talk." Then, you concentrate fully on yourself for a while, make sure you look after yourself properly, eat well, etc. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can phsically do to bring him back, that is something he has to do for himself but, you can make sure that you don't go under while you are waiting xx

um, I am very sorry for you, but I do want to ask you - why are you on Mumsnet if you have no children?

littlemum, lots of people are on here ttc, or a dad or a gran, or a bored student/ uncle/cat