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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP sometimes says he misses me 5 times a day

36 replies

Toeragh · 30/03/2023 15:21

We don’t live together and have been dating for about a year. See each other on weekends and during the week maybe once or twice. It’s going well. He’s very affectionate which I like but has taken to saying he misses me a few times a day over message while we’re chatting. Would anyone else find this stifling?

OP posts:
MrNook · 30/03/2023 15:24

I'd find that a bit suffocating

TheChosenTwo · 30/03/2023 15:27

Yes I would. Massively. I feel a bit stressed just reading about it!
He sounds a bit needy and it’s not an attractive quality (as an isolated example obviously, I’m not saying he’s not great in other ways).
Have there been any discussions as to moving in at any point in the future that he’s maybe now dwelling on a bit and attempting to speed up the process?

Original poster
Toeragh · 30/03/2023 15:31

What would be a reasonable amount?! It’s putting me off!!!

no discussion yet, no.

I like it when he says “miss you darling” or whatever randomly as it feels more meaningful but this feels needy and suffocating. It’s putting me off as I say.

What would a normal amount be?

OP posts:
Aaron95 · 30/03/2023 15:37

There is no normal amount. Some couples seem to communicate constantly all day long. Some don't. There is no right or wrong. As long aas it isn';t making you uncomfortable do whatever you want.

Nottodayicant · 30/03/2023 15:47

That would give me the ick.

Original poster
Toeragh · 30/03/2023 15:47

It’s giving me the ick

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 30/03/2023 15:53

I don’t think there’s a normal either.
Dh and I have lived together for a looooong time, we don’t text or speak to each other during the day unless there’s an actual reason, ie there’s a delivery coming at 10am, can you please listen out for it.
Today I was asleep when he went to work and he’s out tonight straight from with playing football and then to the pub, I’ll not see or speak to him in any form until tomorrow because I’ll probably be in bed when he gets back and he’ll cook something and probably fall asleep downstairs.
Normal - for us.

PollyDarton1 · 30/03/2023 15:57

I would find that stifling, absolutely. Missing someone you've not seen for a few days is normal, but to mention it 5 times a day is overkill (in my opinion). Is he generally quite OTT with his feelings?

Importantly though, if you are happy with it and there are no alarming red flags, carry on!

Original poster
Toeragh · 30/03/2023 15:57

We are a bit the opposite, both have quite full on jobs but will text each other chit chat during the day. Also because we tend to go for days without seeing each other, sometimes 3-5 at a time, I guess we are affectionate over text. This is too much for me though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toeragh · 30/03/2023 15:58

Hmm not OTT with his feelings but he is affectionate yes. Tells me he loves me a lot. He is quite a guys guy, a bloke, so isn’t like that in other areas of his life. I’m not sure whether I like it anymore

OP posts:
mummymeister · 30/03/2023 15:59

its what you find stifling that is the issue here not what others find. I cant believe how affectionate in public some couples are it makes me cringe but thats because thats not me and its not us.

Zipettydooda · 30/03/2023 16:03

Tell him you don’t like it as it’s a bit intense.
Just let him know you miss him too ( if you do) but there is no need to keep saying it as it’s exhausting for you.

If he doesn’t know how you feel about it he can’t change it can he ?

AutisticLegoLover · 30/03/2023 16:03

I'd find that stifling. Looking forward to seeing you on x day would be fine. Once or twice in the days leading up but every day and several times a day would drive me nuts. Has he got nothing and no one else on his life to occupy his time?

saraclara · 30/03/2023 16:03

I'm another one who reacted almost physically to your OP. I'd hate it and would have the instant ick. I like my own space. I don't want a needy person who's constantly wanting attention, like a dog gazing at and you wanting a pat on the head every five minutes. I'd just want to tell him to leave me alone, ffs.

Original poster
Toeragh · 30/03/2023 16:05

What would you all do - would you break up? I think that’s a bit strong for where we are but have to admit it is giving me the ick. I think I will just respond to every second one or something. Like phase it out a bit. Maybe have a bit less contact in between.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toeragh · 30/03/2023 16:06

@AutisticLegoLover

hes got friends and hobbies and a very full on corporate job. Think he is just more open with his emotions.

OP posts:
Whichwhatnow · 30/03/2023 16:14

I think I'd feel suffocated at the thought that I was so constantly on his mind. I love getting random texts or calls from DH when I've just popped into his head and vice versa, but getting them so regularly would make me feel scrutinised and uncomfortable. I don't think there's a 'normal' level of correspondence as such but this would be the ick for me!

AutisticLegoLover · 30/03/2023 16:15

I think if it's giving you the ick then you are not going to recover from that. I'm someone who misses people a lot, or used to, long time single now, and I like people who are open about their feelings not after doing the freedom programme I'd find this too much and like he was trying to get me to say it back or that he wants to meet up more and take up your free time. He sounds like a puppy and it gives me the ick too.

ReadersD1gest · 30/03/2023 16:16

God that sort of neediness is so unattractive. Yuck.

Dozycuntlaters · 30/03/2023 16:18

I had that with my last partner. If he didn't see me for a day he would text saying miss you. I used to think bloody hell I only saw you yesterday. Massively off putting and quite needy as they obviously want us to say miss you back, which i never did. But then he was quite needy in the end, it definitely gave me the ick.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2023 16:20

Toeragh · 30/03/2023 16:05

What would you all do - would you break up? I think that’s a bit strong for where we are but have to admit it is giving me the ick. I think I will just respond to every second one or something. Like phase it out a bit. Maybe have a bit less contact in between.

Talk to him.

When you constantly tell me you miss me, it makes me feel two things. 1. That I'm meant to be unhappy whenever you're not here and miss you terribly and I'm awful if I don't feel that way all the time. 2. Pressured to change what's currently working for us because you're unhappy 3. Or that you're just saying it as part of heat you feel you should say, so it devalues it. I'm not saying you can't feel it, but constantly telling me is too much pressure on me.

Original poster
Toeragh · 30/03/2023 16:22

Think i will give it a few days and just dial back my responses to it. Then if no change will speak with him about it. I’ve looked at messages and it’s probably an average of once a day on days we don’t see each other so not awful. In fairness I do sometimes initiate saying it.

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 30/03/2023 16:24

Yes that's way too much.

Zipettydooda · 30/03/2023 16:25

@SleepingStandingUp
Talk to him.

When you constantly tell me you miss me, it makes me feel two things. 1. That I'm meant to be unhappy whenever you're not here and miss you terribly and I'm awful if I don't feel that way all the time. 2. Pressured to change what's currently working for us because you're unhappy 3. Or that you're just saying it as part of heat you feel you should say, so it devalues it. I'm not saying you can't feel it, but constantly telling me is too much pressure on me.

yeah this ^You should talk to him about it. Give him a chance.
He might think you like it.

Lcb123 · 30/03/2023 16:25

Ergh I’d hate that - and it devalues it. I’d only say it if DH and I are apart for a longer period of time and I genuinely do miss him, not for 1 day! Speak to him about it; you don’t have to break up.