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Original poster

AIBU about this

47 replies

Blenha · 30/03/2023 14:31

its my dps birthday tomorrow. I wanted to go out with him but he says he is not bothered about his birthday and just wanted to stay home and rest (he works a lot). So tomorrow we will relax and then Saturday night I’ve booked for us to go somewhere (a place I believe he’ll enjoy - we don’t go out together often and he’s not interested in going out but I want to treat him)

although I don’t have much money I have bought a gift that he said he’d like, I have ordered decorations to decorate the home with a balloon arch (which I am planning on doing tonight while he’s sleeping so he can wake up to the surprise) and I have gone out today while the kids are at school and bought some of his fav food to cook, snacks he’d like etc. (it’s not much but I’ve made effort and had to walk home with 6 heavy bags as I don’t drive). I really just wanted to make it special for him. I have also got a cake made for him and personalised.

he wasn’t home when I got back and when he arrived he had a ginormous bunch of personalised balloons that someone had got delivered for him to his workplace. Literally 3 massive inflated letter balloons with some other inflated balloons. He doesn’t know who got them yet but it’s definitely a female as he has so many female clients that like to buy him gifts.

now this might sound so silly and I don’t want to be negative but it just instantly bothered me. If I’m honest it’s made me feel like sh*t. The balloon decorations I had planned to set up tonight or going to look like crap compared to these ones. I just feel like I’ve been ‘out-done’ and it’s the one day as his partner I should’ve treated him the best.

he says he’s not bothered about his birthday, not interested in doing anything etc yet he’s been posting on his social media about his ‘birthday week’ and is so excited about these balloons trying to figure out who got them and has taken a selfie with them and posted it to his Instagram (sounds silly but he has a business and social media is how he connects with all his clients etc). That has frustrated me too because I feel like he’s just trying to get attention and probably looking forward to all these females wishing him happy birthday and giving him gifts.

it sounds so silly I know I just feel like my efforts aren’t good enough now and like other people make more effort than me as the girlfriend. I feel like I’m always in competition.

he knows I’m annoyed and I told him why. He doesn’t get it but I used the example (if it was my birthday and he made an effort and then I came home with all these huge balloons/gifts that another guy had got me how would you feel)

OP posts:
Gladiaterf · 30/03/2023 17:21

What?

So lots of other women are buying him expensive clothes/perfumes too?

Aftjbtibg · 30/03/2023 17:23

I get where you are coming from and why you feel that way but it’s not his fault so don’t take it on him and make him feel bad about it.
I think doing the balloon arch is sweet to be fair

PinkSyCo · 30/03/2023 17:31

Bloody hell you’ve gone all out by the sounds of it! Is it a special birthday? Either way he should be grateful, despite the fact that he has already got some balloons.

America12 · 30/03/2023 17:32

Not 'every other woman ' is getting him something.
A balloon arch sounds so naff for a male non milestone birthday.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 30/03/2023 17:33

Blenha · 30/03/2023 16:15

Hi everyone thanks for the replies.

I know it sounds very silly, reading it myself sounds silly but there’s more to it than what I can write.

firstly, it’s not the ‘balloon arch’ that’s the issue - it was rather the fact that every other female goes all out getting him gifts and I feel like I can’t compete sometimes, this time it just happened to be the balloons.

he was very happy about them and the fact someone made that effort for him, so I felt that the idea has been done now and my effort wouldn’t be as special.

we are still fairly young (mid 20s) and although he says he’s not interested in doing things/birthday etc he does like the effort once done so I really wanted to make an effort for him as we have had a tough year and he’s made a big effort for Valentine’s Day/Mother’s Day etc for me.

I know the balloon arch sounds young, it’s just decorations that I’m going to set the table up with for his gifts, it’s nothing ridiculous especially not compared to the ginormous balloons he’s just received anyway.

i am not ‘forcing’ him to do anything. We have spoken about it and he said he’s just generally not a very ‘fun’ person but he will go along to do things with me. So I have booked something that I know he will really enjoy that is his interest.

I should also add for the person calling me petty - the balloons are just one example, it’s usually expensive clothes, perfumes etc etc. constantly. so the fact it’s his birthday I just wanted to make it special and not have other females doing more than me as obviously it makes me feel a little rubbish.

You still don't get it, I don't know why you posted if you won't listen.

You say you aren't forcing him to do anything, yet he said he didn't want to do anything and you're making a kids party minus ice cream and jelly (unless that's thrown in) and expecting him to go for a dinner he clearly doesn't want, while admitting you rarely get out. It doesn't matter if its somewhere he supposedly likes or not, he said he didn't want a fuss etc. I'd genuinely feel absolutely suffocated if I had a partner who went against everything I asked then got jealous of a couple of bloody balloons from colleagues or clients

America12 · 30/03/2023 17:34

@Blenha what does he do ? All
These women showering him with gifts ?

TruthsAndALie · 30/03/2023 17:44

This isn’t about the balloons. It’s about you two not communicating - both saying what you mean and the other listening. He says he doesn’t want anything but then you say he appreciates effort (does really want something but can’t say or just show gratitude to appease you?).

You didn’t listen to the not wanting anything and went ahead with 4/5 things
(some OTT in my view especially if you don’t have a lot of money). All the purchases are about what you want/think/believe he should like or done to subconsciously compete.

You need to sort this out as you’re in danger or completely ruining the birthday, let alone relationship longer term.

FinallyHere · 30/03/2023 17:50

he’s not interested in going out but I want to treat him

I recognise this. It took me ages, literally decades to tune into the difference between what I like to do for a celebration and what DH really prefers.

He just let me get on with it for years. Sigh.

Now I show my love and respect for him by trying to do things the way he really wants. In turn, he lets me plan whatever I want for my birthday. He goes along with whatever it is. I get to plan and enjoy the celebration I want and so does he.

Works for us.

How might that work for you?

FinallyHere · 30/03/2023 17:56

I feel like I can’t compete sometimes

This is important @Blenha

Why are you trying to compete with his clients? What do you think?

Is it because he never does the things you want from him, to feel special.

It's difficult to see from afar whether he is doing his best but just doesn't know what you want...

Or ...

you are using him, or trying to use him, to bolster your self esteem.

Your life will be so.much.better is you work on that yourself and have him in your life because he enhances your B life.

Have a good long think about it.

Lcb123 · 30/03/2023 17:59

But it’s not fault he got the balloons? A balloon arch for an adult man is weird. Maybe just listen to him saying he doesn’t want to do much

OnaBegonia · 30/03/2023 18:19

Are you the poster that your partner is a personal trainer and his clients are 'very friendly' and he loves it?

MrsDoylesDoily · 30/03/2023 18:23

Why won't you listen to him??

He doesn't particularly want to celebrate his birthday, and there you are bloody forcing him to.

Are you one of these MNetters who starts threads moaning that your DH doesn't arrange much on your birthday, and yet you do everything for his?

ladydimitrescu · 30/03/2023 19:04

You arent listening to any responses that are telling you YABU and why, so why post?

Original poster
Blenha · 30/03/2023 19:26

EmilyGilmoresSass · 30/03/2023 17:33

You still don't get it, I don't know why you posted if you won't listen.

You say you aren't forcing him to do anything, yet he said he didn't want to do anything and you're making a kids party minus ice cream and jelly (unless that's thrown in) and expecting him to go for a dinner he clearly doesn't want, while admitting you rarely get out. It doesn't matter if its somewhere he supposedly likes or not, he said he didn't want a fuss etc. I'd genuinely feel absolutely suffocated if I had a partner who went against everything I asked then got jealous of a couple of bloody balloons from colleagues or clients

Show quote history

I do get your point. It does seem very childish. The whole subject of ‘balloon arch’ is childish. That’s not the real problem I had, that was just the example I have to show. Tomorrow it could be expensive perfumes from these women that outshine whatever gift I got him.

I am by far the most relax partner he could have, I don’t bother him I am extremely laid back about everything. Which is why I just wanted to really show an effort for his birthday. I just arranged a little 1 hour place to visit on the day AFTER his birthday for us to have some fun together doing something I know he’ll like. I’m not forcing him to do anything, we will be staying at home relaxing tomorrow like he wants. He’s not against going out at all he just says he’s not really a ‘fun’ person but he’d still do things with me if I want.

also, not sure what type of relationship you have but if other women were buying your partner clothes, expensive gifts, food etc I’m sure you’d feel ‘jealous’ too.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2023 19:50

What I’m finding hard to understand, and it seems like I’m not alone, is the nature of his relationships with his clients and the gifts you mention. Do you not think he should be receiving gifts? What are the motives behind them that you’re worried about? Do you think he’s flirting with his clients? How would you want things to be different?

TequilaNights · 30/03/2023 19:53

Do you even know who got him the balloons/presents?

How did he know to go get them?

Was it an office based gift from everyone?

CambsAlways · 30/03/2023 19:54

I do wonder about these women that are buying him gifts, but he’s with you so I wouldn’t worry, is it a big birthday!

Dontbelieveaword · 30/03/2023 19:57

And why are you refusing to say who is 'clients' are? Why have you never told him that the gifts make you uneasy and insecure and ask him to ask his clients to kindly refrain from buying him highly personal and expensive gifts?
Why are you with someone whose idea of 'fun' is not the same as yours when it clearly is a problem when you have to practically force him to do anything with you at all, ever, and if he is persuaded to do anything, he embarrasses you by being determined not to enjoy it, even though you insist you only book things that he will enjoy when he gets there??
Are relationships really this pathetically hard that you have to pretend be so laid back to please your DP when inside all the bitter resentment, insecurity and jealousy is bubbling up to the point that you have to come on MN every other day to vent the same problem rather than tackle the problem in RL

EmilyGilmoresSass · 30/03/2023 20:21

Blenha · 30/03/2023 19:26

I do get your point. It does seem very childish. The whole subject of ‘balloon arch’ is childish. That’s not the real problem I had, that was just the example I have to show. Tomorrow it could be expensive perfumes from these women that outshine whatever gift I got him.

I am by far the most relax partner he could have, I don’t bother him I am extremely laid back about everything. Which is why I just wanted to really show an effort for his birthday. I just arranged a little 1 hour place to visit on the day AFTER his birthday for us to have some fun together doing something I know he’ll like. I’m not forcing him to do anything, we will be staying at home relaxing tomorrow like he wants. He’s not against going out at all he just says he’s not really a ‘fun’ person but he’d still do things with me if I want.

also, not sure what type of relationship you have but if other women were buying your partner clothes, expensive gifts, food etc I’m sure you’d feel ‘jealous’ too.

Show quote history

It's not about my relationships though is it? And it wouldn't bother me if it was because they were clients. I bought my child's teachers and classroom assistants wine for Christmas. I highly doubt their husbands were uptight about it as I wasn't the only one to do it. It actually wouldn't bother me at all.

Kpcs · 30/03/2023 22:54

You are being unreasonable. He has not done anything wrong. He can’t control what they buy him. You’re making his birthday about you.

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