I genuinely don't know whether I'm crazy or what....

[Whatjusthappenedthen]

I don't even know where to start...I feel like my partners behaviour is driving me crazy and I can't get my head around how this all happens! Is it me, is it him...why can't we communicate?

Here's whats happened since yesterday, and this is fairly typical of our disagreements;

And here's the thing, I can never really remember how the arguments actually start, all I can ever remember is how unloved, lonely and disrespected I feel, then it all escalates so badly and I have no idea how to sort things out.

Anyway I basically I have a female cat that I was hoping to take to stud (don't have the mental energy to explain all that so please don't ask) but she's come into call this week, when I'm a bit short on money (to be able to justify a stud fee) as I recently had to pay out £800 for rhe car to pass it's MOT which wiped out my savings - I am on universal credit (joint claim) as I dont work due to anxiety and my partner is self employed, all bills, rent, food etc come out of my account and he only has to pay for his own van insurance/tax, phone contract and a machinery loan payment out of his earnings each month. He also pays for weekend food most weeks, I pay for the weekday shopping.

A couple of days ago I mentioned I thought the cat was coming into call but was stressed as it was such bad timing with the money situation, he said that at the end of the week he should be able to help out with the stud fee when he got paid, then he asked how much I would need, to which I blurted out "all of it, pretty much, at this rate!" as I was quite stresed with money. He didn't say anything so I took that as meaning he wouldn't be able to lend me the full amount.

Yesterday it was evident that my cat was in full call. This meant she needed to go to the vet for a snap test and straight to our chosen stud. I'd hinted around the subject for a couple of days, saying things like "it really looks like she's coming into call, I'm not sure what to do" and my partner would either stay silent or agree that yes, it looks like she was coming into call.
I didn't want to ask about money as I hate borrowing and couldn't organise my thoughts as to whether to breed her now, or wait until I have the fee saved up but risk her not coming back into call for another couple of months as she's a bit sporadic.

So yesterday, there she was in full call, rolling around and screaming and my partner mentioned nothing about taking her to stud or me borrowing some money.
What he did do, was eventually as if I was coming to the local market with him to get some plants.

I said no, the cat's in call and I am annoyed that I can't take her to stud as I'd need to borrow the money from you, but you haven't offered any and are now going to the market. He said nothing and just stared at me.
I then said something along the lines of saying I was confused that he had kind of offered to help out with the stud fee earlier that week but then when the cat had come into call he suddenly went quiet on me. He said "I offered you the money earlier in the week. I didn't think I needed to offer it again". And then we went round in circles where I was just saying that I didn't feel I should have to ask, he said he didn't feel like he needed to offer again, then he threw in the odd nasty statement like "you've been waiting for her to call since January, why haven't you got the stud fee saved?", I replied that he doesn't contribute a regular amount to the household and I'm so short on money and with the car having to be fixed...etc etc, then called him hypocritical because he can't save to save his life, yet he's off to the market to buy plants rather than contribute to the bills (thus lart is a recurring argument so tends to get dragged up by me a lot unfortunately).

He ended up walking out and doing something in the garden for half an hour before driving off in his van for a few hours.

When he came back, he didn't speak to me for a few more hours, I didn't seek out conversation but we were both civil when we had to speak (when the children came home from school etc).

By the evening things had calmed down, still tense but no more arguing.

This morning, he said he would lend me the stud fee if I needed it so we are just back from taking the cat to stud.

The problem is, when we got home I noticed the mini greenhouse I had got him for his birthday in Feb had disappeared from the garden. I asked where it was and he nonchalantly said " I broke it up and took it to the tip yesterday".
Cue another row - I asked why he'd do that, he said "it's because I felt like I couldn't even go to the market to get plants without being nagged at, so now I've solved the problem", me asking why he was being so cold about the fact he threw a present away, clearly to prove a point to me, and me thinking he should apologise about the argument yesterday (and me too, but nothing ever gets resolved as he never sees the part he had to play in things, therefore never apologises and never learns) but him insisting he was the wronged party.

As soon as we got in, even though we were talking about the greenhouse trashing at the time, he never looked remorseful, in fact said he wasn't sorry as I had 'stopped' him from buying plants, and he started making toast immediately. Then eating the toast, all while I was trying to talk to him.
He always starts doing something when I'm talking to him about this kind of stuff and always ignores me while he's doing the thing.

So I end up getting more annoyed.

This time, I said 'why are you ignoring me?" To which he snapped back "I'm eating" so I stopped talking.
Once he was finished eating, he left the room without speaking, went into the bathroom and started shaving, then went upstairs to have a shower, came down and got dressed etc then stayed in the bedroom- all while presumably, he knows we were in the middle of trying to sort things out (or arguing, as he probably sees it).

He's just, after 30 minutes, come back into the living room, asked me the password for the laptop then gone back into the bedroom.

He hasn't said a word about what I was trying to talk about and I just don't know where to go from here!

I have no clue whether he thinks I'm a giant nag that brings this stuff up to annoy him somehow, or what. Why can't he see or understand when I tell him, that I feel completely ignored, not respected and unloved by him?

Bit of a rant, apologies its so long but I feel like I'm going crazy here.
I need advice on what to say to make him understand that my feelings are important and we need to talk things through if we have any hope of saving the relationship, because I can't live like this anymore.

He will never understand because he does not care about you; only his own self.

What is the situation re the property; did he move in with you?.

What is the point of you and he being together at all?. You and he should not be together now. I feel sorry for the children who are also caught up in the middle of this dysfunctional relationship because this is patently no relationship role model to be showing them.

He is also using DARVO against you on a regular basis. It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

First you have Deny – that’s pretty self-explanatory. You’ll see the person accused of wrongdoing simply denying that that’s the case; ‘I do not hold those views’, ‘I never said that’, ‘I did not do that bad thing’.
The Deny stage is where gaslighting starts to come into play, with the person often trying to simply deny someone else’s lived reality. ‘No, that doesn’t happen’, ‘no, you’re making that up’, or ‘that might have happened, but it’s not as bad as you say it is’.

Then there’s Attack bit. This is when the accused person will turn around the criticism to focus blame on the person calling them out. So let’s say a celebrity was called out by someone on Twitter – they might go into attack mode by accusing that person of just being jealous, or bitter, or a liar.

Finally, you’ve got the Reverse Victim and Offender stage. This is where things get sneaky and subtle. Suddenly, the accused person will turn things around and say that actually, they’re not guilty of doing something terrible. In fact, they are the ones being treated poorly.

In this stage, you might see someone introduce their own trauma as an excuse or a distraction tactic. They’ll respond to accusations of racism, for example, with a story about how they faced gender discrimination when they were younger. Or they might focus their statement on how they feel ‘bullied’ by the accusations, so those reading feel that the person who has been called out is actually the victim, facing online abuse rather than being challenged on their actions.

Thank you, I don't know whether you ever read my previous thread (Gravygate!) but in that thread, a lot of people seemed to think that I was the problem; which is why I have such a hard time distinguishing who is causing these issues.

There feels like a recurring theme of anything I bring up anything I'm not happy with, I somehow get the blame but I'm also terrible for point scoring/pointing out past mistakes and I do think I maybe word my issues as though I'm blaming him (find it easier to say, for example, "you never listen to me" than whatever the kinder alternative to that is) and I read that this is a tactic abusers use - so maybe it IS me with the problem?).

I just can't find any resolution to problems, ever.

How long have you been together? How did you come to be bankrolling him?

Ask yourself, would my life be better without him in it?
Do you own or rent, could you live apart but still see him while you decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

Sounds exhausting. Dump him. I wouldn't be getting the cat done either if you're brassic because if anything goes wrong how will you pay for it?

With respect, yes you sound exhausting to live with and be around. Having read your other thread, you seem unable to take a morsel of accountability for any of your own behaviour.

Good grief you both sound awful.

Don’t breed the cat, there are too many unwanted strays as it is.

Dump him and get a job.

You both sound equally horrible...

You both have significant issues and this relationship is a toxic nightmare. Honestly, just end it already.

I have to say, I agree with PP who say it sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other here. You either need to find a way to work on your communication skills or you should think about whether the relationship will work long term.

Get a job and take your cat to a rescue centre. Shame on you

I’m not sure that a cat stud fee would be a priority for me if money was tight.

Bloody hell. I would just split up in all honesty, this sounds pretty laborious stuff.

This is no environment to bring dkittens into..

Yabu to use your dcat to pay your way.
Breeding needs money to finance it.
Breeding needs registering
Breeding needs declaring your income to hmrc..
Yabu all round imo.

I can't get past the stud thing and the fact that he's thrown out a new greenhouse when you are both claiming UC.
I also think you are both behaving like children. You don't need to say every thought out loud. He was upset enough to shoot himself in the foot by throwing out the gh, which he obviously wanted. That was a dick move, but you didn't need to rub his nose in it.
Maybe think about work you could do from home if your anxiety means you don't feel able to work outside? Is there training you could do? Sounds like you both have a lot of time on your hands to fester.

OP sorry but you are hard, hard work. I know you have anxiety but you need to understand how hard and wearing it is to live with someone with anxiety. You do not seem able to let anything drop, ever, but at the same time you can’t just say ‘can you lend me that money please’. No one wants to ask someone else to lend them money but at the end of the day adults use their words. This relationship doesn’t seem to work and neither of you seem capable of changing your behaviour or in your case acknowledging your part in this all. You have children, you both need to grow up quite frankly. If you aren’t on medication please speak to your gp, it could make a hugely positive impact on your life and the lives of those you live with.

I don't think either of you sounds mature enough to be in a relationship. You both sound petty, antagonistic, unwilling to communicate openly, and very juvenile.

And you definitely shouldn't be spending the last pennies you can scrape together on a stud for the cat

All the hinting and 'oh the cats ready, what will I do...?' nonsense would be annoying. I would have said to DH 'ok the cat is ready, you still ok to pay for it today?' and got a straight answer out of him the first time. (although I wouldn't actually because I wouldn't be putting my cat to stud, full stop.)

You don't speak to him directly, you assume what he means when he doesn't respond, and then it descends into arguments, which you don't seem to be able to let go of.

I'm not excusing him, he sounds like he is equally annoying. And the whole greenhoue thing was clearly meant to punish you and make you feel bad. But your communication to each other isn't great, and I'm not surprised you're both falling out with each other. I wouldnt want to live with either of you.

If you can't afford the stud fee, you can't afford vet fees either, so you're being very irresponsible towards your cat and its potential offspring. Find another way of making money.

I can never really remember how the arguments actually start, all I can ever remember is how unloved, lonely and disrespected I feel, then it all escalates so badly and I have no idea how to sort things out.
If this is how you feel in the relationship on a regular basis, then just end it. It's no way to live.

You're on universal credit OP but are breeding kittens? £900 per kitten x 5, 6? Be careful here.

Poor cat

And the reason you are with him is?

he sounds quite stressful but, kindly, OP you're on UC and you have children and you want to breed from your cat?

Sell the cat and get a job with as many hours as you can manage. Breeding cats is an expensive hobby for someone with no money.

You don't work, you're breeding cats to live on. Don't say you aren't because you are.
Just get a job and grow up