I don't even know where to start...I feel like my partners behaviour is driving me crazy and I can't get my head around how this all happens! Is it me, is it him...why can't we communicate?
Here's whats happened since yesterday, and this is fairly typical of our disagreements;
And here's the thing, I can never really remember how the arguments actually start, all I can ever remember is how unloved, lonely and disrespected I feel, then it all escalates so badly and I have no idea how to sort things out.
Anyway I basically I have a female cat that I was hoping to take to stud (don't have the mental energy to explain all that so please don't ask) but she's come into call this week, when I'm a bit short on money (to be able to justify a stud fee) as I recently had to pay out £800 for rhe car to pass it's MOT which wiped out my savings - I am on universal credit (joint claim) as I dont work due to anxiety and my partner is self employed, all bills, rent, food etc come out of my account and he only has to pay for his own van insurance/tax, phone contract and a machinery loan payment out of his earnings each month. He also pays for weekend food most weeks, I pay for the weekday shopping.
A couple of days ago I mentioned I thought the cat was coming into call but was stressed as it was such bad timing with the money situation, he said that at the end of the week he should be able to help out with the stud fee when he got paid, then he asked how much I would need, to which I blurted out "all of it, pretty much, at this rate!" as I was quite stresed with money. He didn't say anything so I took that as meaning he wouldn't be able to lend me the full amount.
Yesterday it was evident that my cat was in full call. This meant she needed to go to the vet for a snap test and straight to our chosen stud. I'd hinted around the subject for a couple of days, saying things like "it really looks like she's coming into call, I'm not sure what to do" and my partner would either stay silent or agree that yes, it looks like she was coming into call.
I didn't want to ask about money as I hate borrowing and couldn't organise my thoughts as to whether to breed her now, or wait until I have the fee saved up but risk her not coming back into call for another couple of months as she's a bit sporadic.
So yesterday, there she was in full call, rolling around and screaming and my partner mentioned nothing about taking her to stud or me borrowing some money.
What he did do, was eventually as if I was coming to the local market with him to get some plants.
I said no, the cat's in call and I am annoyed that I can't take her to stud as I'd need to borrow the money from you, but you haven't offered any and are now going to the market. He said nothing and just stared at me.
I then said something along the lines of saying I was confused that he had kind of offered to help out with the stud fee earlier that week but then when the cat had come into call he suddenly went quiet on me. He said "I offered you the money earlier in the week. I didn't think I needed to offer it again". And then we went round in circles where I was just saying that I didn't feel I should have to ask, he said he didn't feel like he needed to offer again, then he threw in the odd nasty statement like "you've been waiting for her to call since January, why haven't you got the stud fee saved?", I replied that he doesn't contribute a regular amount to the household and I'm so short on money and with the car having to be fixed...etc etc, then called him hypocritical because he can't save to save his life, yet he's off to the market to buy plants rather than contribute to the bills (thus lart is a recurring argument so tends to get dragged up by me a lot unfortunately).
He ended up walking out and doing something in the garden for half an hour before driving off in his van for a few hours.
When he came back, he didn't speak to me for a few more hours, I didn't seek out conversation but we were both civil when we had to speak (when the children came home from school etc).
By the evening things had calmed down, still tense but no more arguing.
This morning, he said he would lend me the stud fee if I needed it so we are just back from taking the cat to stud.
The problem is, when we got home I noticed the mini greenhouse I had got him for his birthday in Feb had disappeared from the garden. I asked where it was and he nonchalantly said " I broke it up and took it to the tip yesterday".
Cue another row - I asked why he'd do that, he said "it's because I felt like I couldn't even go to the market to get plants without being nagged at, so now I've solved the problem", me asking why he was being so cold about the fact he threw a present away, clearly to prove a point to me, and me thinking he should apologise about the argument yesterday (and me too, but nothing ever gets resolved as he never sees the part he had to play in things, therefore never apologises and never learns) but him insisting he was the wronged party.
As soon as we got in, even though we were talking about the greenhouse trashing at the time, he never looked remorseful, in fact said he wasn't sorry as I had 'stopped' him from buying plants, and he started making toast immediately. Then eating the toast, all while I was trying to talk to him.
He always starts doing something when I'm talking to him about this kind of stuff and always ignores me while he's doing the thing.
So I end up getting more annoyed.
This time, I said 'why are you ignoring me?" To which he snapped back "I'm eating" so I stopped talking.
Once he was finished eating, he left the room without speaking, went into the bathroom and started shaving, then went upstairs to have a shower, came down and got dressed etc then stayed in the bedroom- all while presumably, he knows we were in the middle of trying to sort things out (or arguing, as he probably sees it).
He's just, after 30 minutes, come back into the living room, asked me the password for the laptop then gone back into the bedroom.
He hasn't said a word about what I was trying to talk about and I just don't know where to go from here!
I have no clue whether he thinks I'm a giant nag that brings this stuff up to annoy him somehow, or what. Why can't he see or understand when I tell him, that I feel completely ignored, not respected and unloved by him?
Bit of a rant, apologies its so long but I feel like I'm going crazy here.
I need advice on what to say to make him understand that my feelings are important and we need to talk things through if we have any hope of saving the relationship, because I can't live like this anymore.