Do you have any advice on forgiveness?

[Daisies975]

If anyone could recommend a good book on forgiveness, or has any other advice on how to forgive something very difficult, I would be really grateful.

This is a great resource to understand the importance and power of forgiveness. This woman is exceptional.

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/clips/zjt2fg8

I don't have a journal but I do have the letter that I sent, because I had every intention of sending it. It was a calm, well worded, detailed description of the issues.

The reply was a two word sneering response along the lines of, 'Still angry ?'

However it had the desired outcome at the time. Nothing to do with apology or acknowledgement of what they did. Might as well ask for last year's snow when dealing with a narcissist.

I re-read that letter sometimes. It heartens me. I feel comforted by it. Yes I'm glad I sent it and they read it. I suspect that's the reason for LC.

They told me a random story told in what I now recognise as their, 'story tellers voice.' So smooth and infinitely listenable to, as if they are drawing me into their confidence but which also invites no questions.

On reflection what I actually understood from that was:

Too bad we couldn't have split the ashes and scattered them in the same place on different days then we wouldn't have had to see each other again. Yeah, I get the message.

Like I said, I re-read the letter sometimes. It gives me great peace.

I hope you, OP, will one day find peace within yourself.

Also I once got a shitty appraisal from a boss who, for some reason, was surprised I couldn't see it coming.

I queried it but other managers above just sided with my boss and I pretty much got told not to fuss.

After quitting, I held on to the anger and resentment for about ten years. What helped me get over it was when I read, 'resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.'

I promised myself I would never have to see said boss ever again and to this day I haven't. Not difficult, however, it means a lot to be honouring a promise I made to myself.

Church? Talk to the local vicar/priest. Church is big on forgiveness.

OP, I agree with others here that it's about acceptance (for yourself), not forgiveness (for the person who wronged you).

When I was in my teens, I was beaten up and injured in a sexual assault. The attacker was making a serious attempt to kill me till he panicked and ran away. For years afterwards I felt both (a) triumphant at having survived, and (b) ashamed of having 'foolishly blundered into danger', and guilty for not daring to report him to police. The one thing I didn't think about was the attacker, who had been an acquaintance.
I didn't need to forgive him or hate him; he had no space in my head.

My injuries seemed to heal quickly. I never told anyone about the attack, or my feelings of triumph and shame. Everything seemed to be ok.

I felt the same way about all the other sexual assaults and harassment I experienced, from the age of about eight. Bad at the time, but I survived and didn't give the attackers any head space.

Years after the violent assault, I started suffering from what turned out to be long-term effects of my injuries. Suddenly I was in pain, my ability to move was restricted and I started having panic attacks. I felt as if my active, independent life had been based on a lie and in reality I was terribly weak and vulnerable. I felt as if the attacker was laughing at me, from a position of power. This brought up the other bad memories of sexual abuse. Coupled with a lot of other changes happening in my life, this plunged me into depression.

I revisited my earlier feelings and (to cut a long story short) eventually understood that, though trusting people isn't always wise, it is nothing to be ashamed of. And though I should have reported the assault and all harassment to police, I would have had very little chance of being believed and would have suffered more. (That's not fair, but it was true.)
Physiotherapy, exercise and other treatments improved my physical condition, and I did a lot of meditation and other inner work to evict the attackers from my head again.
With hindsight, I realise I had developed a shield of protective behaviours: never let a man block my exit, be aware of who's behind me, don't trust friendly strangers etc.

For years after that, I was fine until recently when transgenderism suddenly came to power. Misogynistic men started asserting their godlike power by strolling into women's toilets and changing rooms.

I was filled with helpless rage stemming from fear. All the attackers, from the one when I was eight years old onwards, and all the voyeurs and flashers and creepy stalkers crowded into my head, laughing about how easy it was to hurt women and children. I cut down the amount I went out rather than have to use a public toilet. I became hypervigilant in changing rooms, finding a corner space from which I could check who was coming in.

But I'll be damned if I'm going to let them squat in my head again.

Now I'm in the next stage. I write to MPs and councillors, I sign petitions, I support fundraisers for feminist causes, I join women's groups and take part in whatever actions I can do. It's all part of evicting the woman-haters from my head. All my efforts are directed towards supporting women, not (despite what the transgenderists claim) harming males who want to use women's spaces.

Thanks to the ever-growing number of women and allies (thanks to Mumsnet too!) I can feel as if our efforts are starting to reclaim women's rights. This is once again helping me feel strong and whole, accepting myself and life as it is.

TL:DR - Accept and forgive yourself. Don't give the person who hurt you any headspace. Take action to protect yourself.

You talk about not wanting the anger to be there... it's as if you want to quieten it down, calm it, with the aim of surpressing it.

Have you considered expressing it instead? The scream inside you will keep screaming until it gets out. The anger is like a person; the more you try to shut it up, the noisier it will get. What is the anger telling you? What words would it use to give you a message, if it could speak? Listen to it.

You don't have to do what it says, but you need to respect its voice. It is part of you, it is the voice of your crossed boundaries trying to tell you something. It might want to poke someone's eyes out because they hurt you. Don't do the poking, but do acknowledge the hurt, and care for yourself, like you'd care for any other hurt person.

Whatever they took from you that made you angry is something you can adequately replace, for yourself. And you'll be a stronger, more self respectful person, with a more boundaried life, for having done so.

I was in an abusive relationship, and have said many times that now, years on, if I was to see my abuser, I would say nothing but 'thank you'. It was a horribly hard lesson, and very painful at the time, but nothing beats learning that you are your own boss, and you can look after yourself better than anybody else.

❤
Sorry I am not very good with emogies. But thank YOU for your post. Hope you are doing OK?

I did a Recovered Lives course looking at post-divorce. It was a church-led course that ALL could attend. Luckily as I am not religious. It was a sensible course covering 6 weeks. I did OK, apart from the (christian) Forgiveness session. There have been some very good posts on this thread regarding forgiveness vs. acceptance. More food for thought, for even me, several years on.

I’m doing well, thanks, Thelion. I’ve realised that I’ve finally found my anger and it’s helping to strengthen me. I’m glad you found the Recovered Lives course helpful and thought-provoking. Discussions on Mumsnet always teach me something too. Xx

I feel these days in society there’s a very (imo) toxic pressure to forgive people. I hate this. I will forgive when IF and when I feel ready, not because it’s the right thing to do. I refuse to gaslight myself any longer into something I don’t want. I would suggest you do the same OP. You will sense when you’re ready for it.