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Original poster

Can anyone help me understand this question from my EX

37 replies

SteveOO · 29/03/2023 16:15

I was talking to my ex the other day, we do not talk often but she asked me this question, and I have no idea what she wanted to hear or why she even asked this question!!

Ex: can I ask you a question ??

Me; Sure!

Ex: why, many men, only realize they are loosing a ..."good woman"..when she is not there anymore ?? sorry, it must be a stupid question for a man but you are prob the only one that I trust now..

Ex: sorry, but I think it is a very stupid question ! you do not have to answer

OP posts:
WhatDoesMyFutureHold · 29/03/2023 16:18

She wants to bring to your attention that she was a 'good woman' and is trying to get a reaction to see if you feel like you shouldn't have let her go.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/03/2023 16:19

She wants validation of how she feels: to hear you acknowledge that, as she believes you did, you behaved badly, that you regret it, that you’re terribly sorry and wish you could turn back time. All that jazz.

If an ex asked me this I’d just respond that our relationship was over, it was ultimately for the best for both of us, and I didn’t really see the point in hashing out old ground. YMMV.

lippylippy · 29/03/2023 16:21

Tell her you will let let her know when you find a “good woman”

Original poster
SteveOO · 29/03/2023 16:25

I have been gone just over a year now, I was thinking it was more she is having boyfriend problems, not that I know she has one. Even if that is true I do not know what she expects to hear from me, I just found it to be a totally odd question which make no sense!!

OP posts:
Harrypewter · 29/03/2023 18:51

It's not odd.
My ex-wife asked me a similar question.
Why have you never tried to reconcile?
I didn't answer.
She also asked, if, the woman I was dating at the time if she was better than her.
I didn't answer that either.

category12 · 29/03/2023 19:00

Probably because, big generalisation here, blokes tend to be dismissive of their spouses' complaints - talk about it as nagging, or see it as silly trivial stuff - and are much shocked when their spouses actually get fed up & leave. Or they seem to think their spouses' tolerance for poor behaviour will last forever and are much shocked when it doesn't.

I'm sure the same applies sometimes in reverse, but sexism being what it is, women's concerns and emotions tend to be taken less seriously than men's.

Not sure that's what your ex was referring to, but it's what it makes me think of.

Mypatioisminging · 29/03/2023 19:02

I assume she’s having boyfriend issues and someone’s dumped her. Hence why she talks about lack of trust

she wants you to feed her ego

Trez1510 · 29/03/2023 19:12

Mypatioisminging · 29/03/2023 19:02

I assume she’s having boyfriend issues and someone’s dumped her. Hence why she talks about lack of trust

she wants you to feed her ego

Exactly this.

Harrypewter · 29/03/2023 19:12

category12 · 29/03/2023 19:00

Probably because, big generalisation here, blokes tend to be dismissive of their spouses' complaints - talk about it as nagging, or see it as silly trivial stuff - and are much shocked when their spouses actually get fed up & leave. Or they seem to think their spouses' tolerance for poor behaviour will last forever and are much shocked when it doesn't.

I'm sure the same applies sometimes in reverse, but sexism being what it is, women's concerns and emotions tend to be taken less seriously than men's.

Not sure that's what your ex was referring to, but it's what it makes me think of.

Taken less seriously by whom?

Hawkins003 · 29/03/2023 19:14

Basically she thinks she's a good one, but wants to know why other men only seem to realise it when they have split up

HaggisBurger · 29/03/2023 19:15

Yes that’s a daft question. But definitely to lead you towards saying that you did that. Either with the view to boost her ego as others have said or she wants to get back together.

TBH it’s quite manipulative and I’d draw back from having emotive conversations with her tbh.

category12 · 29/03/2023 19:28

Harrypewter · 29/03/2023 19:12

Taken less seriously by whom?

Show quote history

Their spouses - blokes as per my first paragraph, in a still sexist society.

Original poster
SteveOO · 29/03/2023 22:15

HaggisBurger · 29/03/2023 19:15

Yes that’s a daft question. But definitely to lead you towards saying that you did that. Either with the view to boost her ego as others have said or she wants to get back together.

TBH it’s quite manipulative and I’d draw back from having emotive conversations with her tbh.

How did you arrive with a conclusion of "She wants you back"?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 29/03/2023 22:21

Was it you who ended the relationship or her?

pointythings · 29/03/2023 22:24

I'm with @category12 - my late husband really, truly didn't realise how incredibly badly he had fucked up our relationship until I told him I was divorcing him (alcohol addiction, complete checking out of family life, zero help at home or engagement with the kids despite both of us working full time).

Even then it didn't really sink in until other members of his family told him. And it wasn't as if I hadn't tried to talk to him about it - I'd been trying for almost 7 sodding years.

Jossse · 29/03/2023 22:39

She's fishing

Ofcourseshecan · 29/03/2023 23:36

Why do many men only realise they are losing a good woman when she is not there any more?

This doesn't sound like a stupid question or a difficult one to understand.

She has discovered that many men only realise how good their partner is when she leaves them -- often because they haven't listened to her when she has tried to talk. She wonders why the men don't realise in time to mend the relationship. She likes or trusts you enough to ask your opinion.

It may be that she hopes you have thought this about her. It sounds as if she has been hurt recently. Maybe she hopes you two could make a go of it now that you're both older and wiser. I can't see anything manipulative about it, necessarily.

She seems to have a higher, or kinder, opinion of you than you have of her.

Original poster
SteveOO · 30/03/2023 07:11

pizzaHeart · 29/03/2023 22:21

Was it you who ended the relationship or her?

Yes it was me that ended it

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 30/03/2023 07:14

Harrypewter · 29/03/2023 18:51

It's not odd.
My ex-wife asked me a similar question.
Why have you never tried to reconcile?
I didn't answer.
She also asked, if, the woman I was dating at the time if she was better than her.
I didn't answer that either.

Wow.

I wonder what type of responses she expected to hear. Particularly when she asked about your new partner.

Original poster
SteveOO · 30/03/2023 07:15

Ofcourseshecan · 29/03/2023 23:36

Why do many men only realise they are losing a good woman when she is not there any more?

This doesn't sound like a stupid question or a difficult one to understand.

She has discovered that many men only realise how good their partner is when she leaves them -- often because they haven't listened to her when she has tried to talk. She wonders why the men don't realise in time to mend the relationship. She likes or trusts you enough to ask your opinion.

It may be that she hopes you have thought this about her. It sounds as if she has been hurt recently. Maybe she hopes you two could make a go of it now that you're both older and wiser. I can't see anything manipulative about it, necessarily.

She seems to have a higher, or kinder, opinion of you than you have of her.

Still I really do not understand what insight she thought I could have brought to the table regarding that question, I could only talk from my perspective and she already knew I was regretting the breakup.

Why would you think she has a higher or kinder opinion of myself than I do of her?

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/03/2023 07:20

She's probably ruminating on why the relationship ended, and hoping to hear that you regret it and now realise she was right about everything.

There is a long thread around now about how sad men must be when they have to live apart from their children, and all the things they could have done differently to avoid such bitter regrets...when in reality the ex-husband is probably quite content to have wriggled free and never regrets a thing.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 30/03/2023 07:23

Maybe she has been dating and quite a few of her dates have said it to her. Maybe they have been reflecting that perhaps if they had developed a more equal relationship then the break up might not have happened. Have you tried asking her what prompted her to ask the question?

NoSquirrels · 30/03/2023 07:23

I could only talk from my perspective and she already knew I was regretting the breakup

She knows you regret breaking up with her? Then she’s trying to get you back, clearly. It’s not the question itself, it’s the subtext. Which, for the sake of clarity, is:

Why have you only realised you were losing a good relationship with me when you’d fucked it up already?

You can choose to unfuck it up and get back together but you’d both have to work on your communication skills.

Original poster
SteveOO · 30/03/2023 07:34

In the same conversation she was telling me this, and again I do not know why she felt the need to tell me that, oh and btw we were together for 13 years

I was smoking a cig..and thinking...I remember I was telling to myself, at the time, this guy (you) is to good to be true..that is why he could expect better than me....I was told many times I was a good looking woman, but ......another woman can for sure make the difference...........today I am still told I am a good looking woman...I have lost almost 9 kg since you left, which means I am back to what I was when we met...

but I am 56 ! lol not the same really.. by hey ho

OP posts:
Harrypewter · 30/03/2023 08:10

STARCATCHER22 · 30/03/2023 07:14

Wow.

I wonder what type of responses she expected to hear. Particularly when she asked about your new partner.

Show quote history

I think it's a question that cannot be answered tactfully so I declined to answer fully. I think it partially responded to the (current girlfriend) question by saying it's not good to compare
Privately I didn't want to go back.
She's happy with her new man, they've been together for 5 yrs.
I wish them all the best, we all parent effectively in fact I speak to the stepdad more than her.

I think the question is loaded with connotations of can we try again?