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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help me understand this question from my EX

37 replies

SteveOO · 29/03/2023 16:15

I was talking to my ex the other day, we do not talk often but she asked me this question, and I have no idea what she wanted to hear or why she even asked this question!!

Ex: can I ask you a question ??

Me; Sure!

Ex: why, many men, only realize they are loosing a ..."good woman"..when she is not there anymore ?? sorry, it must be a stupid question for a man but you are prob the only one that I trust now..

Ex: sorry, but I think it is a very stupid question ! you do not have to answer

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 30/03/2023 08:55

I think that she has asked this question because you are deliberately keeping her close to you and giving her wrong impression of wanting to get back together. You posted here on MN and hoped to stroke your ego by answers that she wants you back and she’s a manipulative one. No, she is not, you are a manipulative one and she feels that you are messing with her head and can’t understand why. A year into break up she should think about you : F*, I spent 13 of my best years on him! Or she should be indifferent to you but she shouldn’t be sitting and thinking that you are the only one she can trust. You are not. You’ve gone in different directions, it’s your initiative and you should have made it absolutely clear.

Nailsandthesea · 30/03/2023 09:04

My ex was dire to me and us - his family was vile.

he often says ‘I didn’t realise I had a loving family’ or ‘I don’t have much in my life’ he is very OTT with what little contact I have / think constant I love you I love you I miss you etc on the phone kisses etc very cringy to overheard - not a toddler he’s nearly 10. Don’t get me wrong great he tells him he loves him - but he will say it like 50 times until he hears it back. But he is fishing ….

your ex is suggesting there was nothing wrong with her and it was you, she wants you to confirm it. She fishing - eg she thinks you have hinted at getting back or has convinced herself that you regret it

yodayoga1 · 30/03/2023 09:42

pizzaHeart · 30/03/2023 08:55

I think that she has asked this question because you are deliberately keeping her close to you and giving her wrong impression of wanting to get back together. You posted here on MN and hoped to stroke your ego by answers that she wants you back and she’s a manipulative one. No, she is not, you are a manipulative one and she feels that you are messing with her head and can’t understand why. A year into break up she should think about you : F*, I spent 13 of my best years on him! Or she should be indifferent to you but she shouldn’t be sitting and thinking that you are the only one she can trust. You are not. You’ve gone in different directions, it’s your initiative and you should have made it absolutely clear.

Mmm, I think this is the closest to the truth so far. What with the admission now that OP has expressed regret.

picklemewalnuts · 30/03/2023 09:47

She says you are the only one she trusts now, so presumably you behaved well after breaking up.

To me it sounds as though she has had a few blokes split up then try and reel her back in. Classic control tactics.

I don't think she's behaving badly at all.

Original poster
SteveOO · 30/03/2023 14:06

pizzaHeart · 30/03/2023 08:55

I think that she has asked this question because you are deliberately keeping her close to you and giving her wrong impression of wanting to get back together. You posted here on MN and hoped to stroke your ego by answers that she wants you back and she’s a manipulative one. No, she is not, you are a manipulative one and she feels that you are messing with her head and can’t understand why. A year into break up she should think about you : F*, I spent 13 of my best years on him! Or she should be indifferent to you but she shouldn’t be sitting and thinking that you are the only one she can trust. You are not. You’ve gone in different directions, it’s your initiative and you should have made it absolutely clear.

One problem with your theory, it is not me that ever initiates contact. Unless I am a master manipulator and can get her to contact me via mind control?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 30/03/2023 17:30

My theory is that you haven’t made it clear that your relationship is finished and messing up with her mentally.
And your post sounds a bit strange for me tbh, like you are in your twenties.

Original poster
SteveOO · 30/03/2023 17:38

pizzaHeart · 30/03/2023 17:30

My theory is that you haven’t made it clear that your relationship is finished and messing up with her mentally.
And your post sounds a bit strange for me tbh, like you are in your twenties.

My post was only for the intent to understand what was it she was asking so I could try to answer it, as I have not answered it yet.

Why would I need to make it clear,k when we have been separated for just over a year I think it is pretty clear that the relationship has ended!!

OP posts:
yodayoga1 · 30/03/2023 18:52

Well if you take it at face value, I think it's really clear what she's asking. I mean the answer is simple, surely? Some men will regret walking away from a relationship and some won't. Are you questioning whether we think she is particularly talking about you?

And no, it's not obvious that the relationship is completely dead in the water if she says you're the only person she can trust. In my experience, someone only says things like that if they still think there is a hope for reconciliation. But I'm sure you already know that.

Your posts sounds faux naive.

Original poster
SteveOO · 30/03/2023 19:12

yodayoga1 · 30/03/2023 18:52

Well if you take it at face value, I think it's really clear what she's asking. I mean the answer is simple, surely? Some men will regret walking away from a relationship and some won't. Are you questioning whether we think she is particularly talking about you?

And no, it's not obvious that the relationship is completely dead in the water if she says you're the only person she can trust. In my experience, someone only says things like that if they still think there is a hope for reconciliation. But I'm sure you already know that.

Your posts sounds faux naive.

But no I do not already know that, if I had I would not of asked for help. But you are not wrong I am really naive, but for real.

OP posts:
yodayoga1 · 30/03/2023 21:03

Ok then, if that's the case, then the best thing you can do, regardless of what she may or may not be insinuating, is to make sure that she is extremely clear that there is no hope for reconciliation. Assuming that's how you feel. Anything less than that and you are, intentionally or unintentionally, stringing her along. Keep your answer simple and factual. Eg Some men may feel that way, but in our case I knew ending the relationship was the right thing to do with no way back, so I can't really tell you how why that happens.

Original poster
SteveOO · 30/03/2023 21:27

yodayoga1 · 30/03/2023 21:03

Ok then, if that's the case, then the best thing you can do, regardless of what she may or may not be insinuating, is to make sure that she is extremely clear that there is no hope for reconciliation. Assuming that's how you feel. Anything less than that and you are, intentionally or unintentionally, stringing her along. Keep your answer simple and factual. Eg Some men may feel that way, but in our case I knew ending the relationship was the right thing to do with no way back, so I can't really tell you how why that happens.

Thank you, you are the first person to give me the advise I was looking for. It is pretty difficult to give an answer to a question you do not fully understand, so thank you again for giving me some clarification

OP posts:
Markasread · 30/03/2023 21:39

I think she's wondering why someone who loves her and knows she's great would push her away only to regret it. It's hurtful, confusing behaviour that women often wonder about. She thought she could ask you because you had done it and might have some insight. We do try to understand why someone would hurt and discard us, especially if there is love involved.

My guess is she would like to see if she could reconcile what you've done, and perhaps what this new guy has done, in a way that will allow her to face new relationships (or possibly a return to you) without feeling paranoid it will happen again

One answer you can probably give is that your feelings are contradictory at times and the love one feels can get over shadowed by fear of commitment and worry over issues that seem bigger than they really are. Then when y start to break up and the pain of loss hits, you get a better sense of what was positive about the relationship and how much you actually felt, because you realise you're losing it. And this is not something that one human being should really do to another - we should ideally not try out rejection to discover the strength of our love - and you are really sorry it has been done to her.

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