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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my boyfriend and his ex

42 replies

Exbex · 29/03/2023 06:35

I’ve been with my boyfriend properly for 9 months. He stays at my house most nights. For the past week he has seemed a bit off, every time I ask him what’s up he brushes me off.

So when i went to bed last night, i went up without him, I couldn’t sleep but when he came in i closed my eyes, I just didn't want the awkwardness. He gets into bed and I can feel him on his phone, I open my eyes a bit and he’s texting. I look again and he’s texting his ex who he shares a child with.

He’s asking her if when she has free time is she meeting up with men or seeing anyone. She said that’s her personal life, if she was seeing someone seriously she would tell
him for their child’s sake. My boyfriend said you feel like I’m intruding on your personal life but to me you are my personal life!

They text for a bit longer but my eyes went blurry, my heart was my pounding. He’s then said to her he needs clarity, and if she was seeing someone that would maybe change the way he approaches his future. He ended with saying they will talk properly, he will call her tomorrow. Then he turned over away from me, and kept tossing and turning for how long. I can’t really believe it, its as if i don’t exist.

OP posts:

LizzyBennett · 29/03/2023 06:39

It's time to move on, isn't it? He's not fully disengaged from his ex so he's not fully available for you.

you deserve better than someone who's pinning for their ex.

GuevarasBeret · 29/03/2023 06:40

If I was in a position to do so, I would cheerily dump him, and as he left say “Oh BTW, the texts from your ex mean she has absolutely no interest in being with you either, knowing you were texting her while you were in bed with someone else. Ewww. “

Original poster

Exbex · 29/03/2023 06:44

Oh he hasnt told her about me! He said when its time for me to meet their child he will tell her! I just happily believed him so she doesn’t even know he’s in bed with someone.
me
i can’t believe i have been so gullible

OP posts:

MissMogwai · 29/03/2023 06:45

You know what you need to do here. Dump
him today and be glad he doesn't live with you so it's done and dusted.

Dj2020 · 29/03/2023 06:50

You need to get rid is all I can say don't waste another moment on him.

Original poster

Exbex · 29/03/2023 06:55

I just know how he will explain it away, that its not that he has feelings he wants what is best for their child and would like to know who will be around their child

OP posts:

itwasntmetho · 29/03/2023 06:59

You don’t need him to agree you have grounds to dump him, it’s enough that you know you have grounds to dump him.

Theunamedcat · 29/03/2023 07:00

It's controlling this man is not a good catch throw him back

Autienotnautie · 29/03/2023 07:01

Higher your bar op you deserve better than second best. What he's doing to you is unfair, he shouldn't be in a relationship if he has feelings for his ex but it's understandable his family mean more. I'd walk away now.

GreyCarpet · 29/03/2023 07:11

Does it matter if he tries to explain it away?

I know what those texts mean and so do you. I'd dump him without hesitation.

Original poster

Exbex · 29/03/2023 07:51

So he definitely isnt approaching this as a dad concerned?

OP posts:

EarthFireAirWater · 29/03/2023 08:23

Exbex · 29/03/2023 07:51

So he definitely isnt approaching this as a dad concerned?

The way it sounds is that he is hoping to get back together with her. Hence, why you are a secret and why he is grilling her about her dates.
If he was so concerned about his child why not be fair and say, 'Look, Ex. I will be honest I started dating xyz. I haven't introduced her yet to DC. I might do that in 3 months. I just wanted to give you the heads up. I would like to know if you have introduced anyone yet or what approach you are going for and how long you are waiting.'
Or something along those lines.

PotatoFacedWombat · 29/03/2023 08:28

Oh OP. These are not the texts of a concerned Dad and in your heart, you know that. He wants her back, and he doesn't want anyone else to have her. He had absolutely no business asking her about her love life- that's enough to prove he's a controlling prick- and even if they get back together, he sounds messed up.
If you don't dump him now, you're in for a long-haul of anxiety and insecurity. Don't do it to yourself.

bjrce · 29/03/2023 09:06

"Oh he hasn't told her about me! "
|You're together 9 months and he hasn't told her he is in a relationship with you???

I just know how he will explain it away,
Is that possibly because you'll let him??

"So he definitely isn't approaching this as a dad concerned?"
Is this a wind up? Is your bar really set that low?
I don't mean that in a disrespectful way, but I would take the advice of a previous and text him -
“Oh BTW, the texts from your ex mean she has absolutely no interest in being with you either, knowing you were texting her while you were in bed with someone else. Ewww. “

I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of discussing it with him. He has absolutely no respect for you. You need to love yourself and realise when someone is not good for you.

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 09:18

He's been with you for 9 months but is asking her if she's seeing anyone as it would change the way he approaches his future. That means if she's seeing someone he'll tell her about you but if she's not he'll keep holding out for reconciliation. Sorry OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2023 09:20

You should have kicked him out then and there.

LemonTT · 29/03/2023 09:44

I would be worried. He must have wanted you to see those texts. Because he had plenty of opportunity to secretly text her before he came to bed. Plus for you to see it he must have been angling it towards you. Seems like a performance to me. And that he knew you were awake.

I think he is behaving off and giving you reasons to dump him. Sorry but sounds like he wants out and wants you to finish it.

Original poster

Exbex · 29/03/2023 12:05

Genuinely dont think he meant for me to see. I confronted him, he told me their relationship isnt a romantic one, he wanted clarity for their friendship. Thats it. Thats his explanation

OP posts:

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 12:06

Exbex · 29/03/2023 12:05

Genuinely dont think he meant for me to see. I confronted him, he told me their relationship isnt a romantic one, he wanted clarity for their friendship. Thats it. Thats his explanation

So how does that impact how his future looks? And why does her relationship status matter? And why hasn't he told her about you if he wants to know whether she's seeing someone? It sounds like a shit friendship if you can't tell your friend about your girlfriend.

Watchkeys · 29/03/2023 12:24

Exbex · 29/03/2023 07:51

So he definitely isnt approaching this as a dad concerned?

Would you be fine with it if he was?

You're not happy, OP. Why he's approaching this doesn't matter. He's in bed with you, in a weird mood, texting his ex about her relationship status, and turning away from you. You don't like it, and that's your prerogative.

Respect your feelings, not his hidden intentions. You don't trust him anyway, with all the 'keeping your eyes closed and spying on his phone' stuff. You'll feel better when you can go to bed in peace on your own.

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 12:24

He stays at my house most nights.

Does he contribute anything? Do not tolerate this dickhead texting his ex from your bed.

Original poster

Exbex · 29/03/2023 13:09

He does give me money for food shopping etc. He definitely hasnt moved in though.

I havent replied to him, we argued about the fact he never told her about me. And clearly for a reason

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/03/2023 13:18

He does give me money for food shopping etc

And bills? And he does his share of housework?

SpringleDingle · 29/03/2023 13:20

He’s trying to get back in her knickers. Have some self respect and ditch him.

Frogger8395 · 29/03/2023 13:32

He does give me money for food shopping etc

I bet it’s not enough. And I bet he’s enjoying long showers and having his tea made and doing fuck all to help. Bet you do his laundry too. Get rid of him op. He’s saving a fortune being at your house every night, he’s a parasite.

Why tolerate a guest being a moody prick like this.

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