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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my boyfriend and his ex

42 replies

Exbex · 29/03/2023 06:35

I’ve been with my boyfriend properly for 9 months. He stays at my house most nights. For the past week he has seemed a bit off, every time I ask him what’s up he brushes me off.

So when i went to bed last night, i went up without him, I couldn’t sleep but when he came in i closed my eyes, I just didn't want the awkwardness. He gets into bed and I can feel him on his phone, I open my eyes a bit and he’s texting. I look again and he’s texting his ex who he shares a child with.

He’s asking her if when she has free time is she meeting up with men or seeing anyone. She said that’s her personal life, if she was seeing someone seriously she would tell
him for their child’s sake. My boyfriend said you feel like I’m intruding on your personal life but to me you are my personal life!

They text for a bit longer but my eyes went blurry, my heart was my pounding. He’s then said to her he needs clarity, and if she was seeing someone that would maybe change the way he approaches his future. He ended with saying they will talk properly, he will call her tomorrow. Then he turned over away from me, and kept tossing and turning for how long. I can’t really believe it, its as if i don’t exist.

OP posts:

Undecidedandtorn · 29/03/2023 14:46

This is sketchy - not telling his ex about you, the tone of the message, everything really.

Lovemusic33 · 29/03/2023 14:53

He’s still hoping she will take him back, you’re just a back up plan because like most blokes he can’t bare the thought of being single/alone. He’s using you, he still wants his ex.

Walk away.

Dontbelieveaword · 29/03/2023 14:55

If you were already in bed for a while, I presume you were lying down either on your side or on your back. He gets into bed and starts texting in what position? You say once he'd finished texting he turned away from you, indicating that he was on his side facing you while he was texting. How could you see what he was texting? I know this isn't the point of the thread, but just wondering the mechanics of being able to lie there reading a full conversation without him knowing you had your eyes at least partly open.

Original poster

Exbex · 29/03/2023 14:56

So i was on my side facing his side. He was lying slightly upright on his side. He had his phone slightly lower but he didnt even turn to check if i could see was awake etc

OP posts:

nc13467 · 29/03/2023 14:58

I don't think him not telling her about you is a red flag.....

........However there are plenty of other red flags and I'd be dumping his ass today.

I share a daughter with my exH and we never told each other about our new partners until we were ready for them to be part of Dds life.

We have no communication that's not strictly to do with Dds welfare. I wouldn't be lying in bed texting him about Dd unless she was ill, was having an issue at school etc and even then I'd be happy for my partner to see the messages.

I have zero interest in his love life and vice versa. More than that I have zero interest in the aspects of his life in general that do not directly impact Dd.

We barely text at all. Mostly communicate by email and it's all very factual and to the point. If he asked me what I was doing in my spare time or if I was dating I wouldn't be replying and would be having serious words with him about boundaries and the fact it was non of his business.

He's clearly not over her

Dontbelieveaword · 29/03/2023 15:00

You should have bided your time before confronting him, seen if you could have got hold of his phone and seen what past conversations have been like. Now he knows, he'll just delete everything and come up with excuses for the one conversation you have seen, which it looks like you're willing to believe, unfortunately.
If nothing else, being kept secret for nine months? Nah. Do his family and friends know about or met you? If so, it would have got back to her somehow by now

nc13467 · 29/03/2023 15:05

Dontbelieveaword · 29/03/2023 15:00

Bided her time for what? Surely that's enough to end a 9 month relationship?

ALLIS0N · 29/03/2023 15:08

He’s using you OP. He sleeps in your bed, eats your meals etc

Do yourself a favour and dump him.

Opaljewel · 29/03/2023 15:13

I think the texts were exactly as you saw them. For his ex to rekindle their relationship.

He wants to keep you on back burner in case it doesn't work out with her.

If you continue in this then you'll forever be looking over your shoulder.

Find someone who isn't still hung up on their ex.

You deserve better surely?

Dontbelieveaword · 29/03/2023 15:13

@nc13467 I'm not saying she shouldn't leave him. Just that it sounds like he's trying to twist into a friendship and dad thing rather than him romantically chasing his ex and it seems like OP wants to believe him. Knowing what past interactions have been like may open her eyes a little and definitively know the truth. Some women WANT to believe liar's lies. If she had more evidence, it would make her decision easier.
Is that enough explanation for you or should I explain my opinion in more detail?

Tirrrrred · 29/03/2023 15:20

Where does he live?

Did you really see the texts in bed or did you look at his phone.

It seems unlikely you could read that many texts in full sentences without him noticing you reading them?

Did he know you were looking?

GoodChat · 29/03/2023 15:37

Tirrrrred · 29/03/2023 15:20

Where does he live?

Did you really see the texts in bed or did you look at his phone.

It seems unlikely you could read that many texts in full sentences without him noticing you reading them?

Did he know you were looking?

does any of that actually matter?

Watchkeys · 29/03/2023 15:46

Tirrrrred · 29/03/2023 15:20

Where does he live?

Did you really see the texts in bed or did you look at his phone.

It seems unlikely you could read that many texts in full sentences without him noticing you reading them?

Did he know you were looking?

Why d'you ask?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 29/03/2023 15:49

OP The fact that his behaviour is already making you feel uncomfortable is enough without reading the texts. Dump this one.

Opentooffers · 29/03/2023 16:07

That's OK then, he's told you it's not romantic. So carry on with it, all the while worrying and watching him go off you more.
It's total BS, you know it, you just don't want to face it. It won't get any easier the longer you drag it out, you'll always know you were his plan B. He'd be in like Flynn if she let him - doesn't sound like she's interested but has maybe played with him and got his hopes up recently- which is why he's gone off you.
Now you get to do the 'pick me' dance.

SweetCoriander · 29/03/2023 16:14

You’ve got good eyesight, I’ll give you that.

Fuckstix · 29/03/2023 16:25

Why would he tell a friend 'you are my personal life'? He's still into her or is trying to control her. Neither is good. Get rid.

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