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Original poster

3 children/3 mums OLD

37 replies

whattodoeek · 28/03/2023 19:23

Hey
Hoping for some advice... I've name changed because I'm a frequent poster on MN and my other posts are outing.
Following the breakdown of my marriage last year I have just started dipping my toe into the online dating world (what a bloody place!!) haven't met anyone yet as I haven't felt like anyone has sparked my interest enough!

I have been talking to a guy and he seems really nice, seems like someone I could really get along with. He's suggested meeting and I am up for it....

However he has 3 children with 3 different women. The ages are 17,11 and 6 He explained the various scenarios for how they all came to be. First was with a childhood sweetheart, second was a short term relationship and 3rd another long term relationship which didn't work out. He says he sees all children and everything on the surface seems amicable, but who knows and I'm well aware from my own experience of my DH how men can spin a story!

For reference I have two young children of my own and have no desire to have more children for various reasons though I do expect most men I meet in my age bracket are likely to have their own.

I'm just wondering if this is a red flag? Sorry to sound naive, I was with DH for over 12 years so dating with children is all very new to me and I'm not sure what to expect?

OP posts:
Pac35 · 28/03/2023 19:27

I'd say no. I have two brothers and we all have different dads. Just how things worked out for my mum. Oldest is 41, I'm 32 and little bro 25.all amicable. My mums a normal person and a catch! I wouldn't see it as red flag

Clymene · 28/03/2023 19:31

He doesn't use contraception
He leaves his children
He hasn't been able to make relationships work with 3 different women, despite there being kids involved.

I'd steer well clear

Not the same as a woman who has children with different dads.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/03/2023 19:43

I steer clear of people with any children at all, but three by three is way too complicated. Juggling three different contact patterns, maintenance payments, relationships between the children etc. If he’s as good a dad as he’s currently making out, that’s going to take a lot of time and logistics. Add that to your own logistics over shared care with your ex and are you going to have any child-free time to actually date?

winterbegone · 28/03/2023 19:44

It's just a date you don't have to see him again, I'd go but also keep in mind that he may not have much time to date often.

Dacadactyl · 28/03/2023 19:45

I'd say this is a massive red flag, whether the person was male or female.

He couldnt make a relationship with kids work 3 times, i mean, thatd be a big red flag for me.

Unananana · 28/03/2023 19:47

How does he speak about the mothers of his children? Any dramatic or 'crazy ex' references would be red flags.

If you go forward with this, make sure your contraception is watertight if you don't want to be Baby Mama Number 4.

Lovemusic33 · 28/03/2023 19:47

I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole 😬. If he’s such a good person he won’t have time to date as he will be spending most of his time with his kids, when would he have free time? He’s also probably paying 3 lots of maintenance meaning he won’t have much spare cash to be dating. He obviously can’t hold down a relationship, possibly because he’s a total twat. Remember that you only have his side of the story and he will be telling you what you want to hear.

Zanatdy · 28/03/2023 19:47

My friend met someone on OLD with 5 kids by 3 women. She is very happy with him, not all relationships work out, I guess it’s up to you really. I hope someone wouldn’t automatically judge me for having 3 kids by 2 relationships

SpinningFloppa · 28/03/2023 19:48

Would be a no from me.

Newusernameaug · 28/03/2023 19:48

Clymene · 28/03/2023 19:31

He doesn't use contraception
He leaves his children
He hasn't been able to make relationships work with 3 different women, despite there being kids involved.

I'd steer well clear

Not the same as a woman who has children with different dads.

Why different for a man or woman???

Id take it as an amber flag, it’s not ideal but I’d not judge and wait to see what sort of a parent he actually is. It’s a good sign he sees them, things are amicable and that there’s large age gaps.

Original poster
whattodoeek · 28/03/2023 19:56

Unananana · 28/03/2023 19:47

How does he speak about the mothers of his children? Any dramatic or 'crazy ex' references would be red flags.

If you go forward with this, make sure your contraception is watertight if you don't want to be Baby Mama Number 4.

No real things said about the mums. Said that the 3rd relationship didn't work because she wanted to go out partying all the time. Said the second relationship was that it was someone he met on a night out but they didn't have anything in common really...

I think reading some of the responses has affirmed for me what my concerns were!

OP posts:
Comii9 · 28/03/2023 20:01

Good thread OP.

I'm new to the online dating too. Dating is personal are you happy to date someone with kids at all? 4 kids? You need to consider what YOU want and what you deem acceptable.

That's what I notice there's a lot of confusion and inconsistencies with online dating.

For me it would be a red flag. Its not how it goes I've stuck to 1 child for a reason however if I was lax with contraception I could of gone on to have 2 kids by different men also!

Moser85 · 28/03/2023 20:07

They nearly all say they have a good relationship with their kids even if they don't, that or "the ex won't let me see them".

How much free time does he seem to have?
If he's a good dad he should be spending a decent amount of time with them and doing some parenting...
How would he have the time to date?
Does he take all 3 of them together on the same day or weekend? Do their mums get any real break?

A decent dad would be busy with them during the week too, a 17 year old generally needs lifts here, there and everywhere, the younger ones probably have activities etc or even if not he should be seeing them anyway.

When he suggested meeting did he seem very open to when he'd be able to meet? I spoke to a couple of dads when I was OLD and they were all very much "whenever suits you, I'll be there"......huge red flag to me because it implied if they were supposed to be having their kids they'd happily rearrange ie. tell the mother that they weren't taking the child that day!

Original poster
whattodoeek · 28/03/2023 20:16

He said that he sees the eldest when they can fit him in (I guess that's the norm for a 17 year old) and he has the other two every other weekend and one night during the week. I'm not sure if they are there at the same times or on different weekends.

He suggested a weekend date daytime thing...

OP posts:
HealthyFats · 28/03/2023 20:20

Newusernameaug · 28/03/2023 19:48

Why different for a man or woman???

Id take it as an amber flag, it’s not ideal but I’d not judge and wait to see what sort of a parent he actually is. It’s a good sign he sees them, things are amicable and that there’s large age gaps.

Show quote history

It’s different IMO because mums tend not to leave their kids. If a woman did this- three times swanned off leaving the man holding the baby- it would be the same but that’s vanishingly rare.

aslkde · 28/03/2023 20:28

It would be a no from me.
Regardless of what this potentially says about him, I wouldn't want the logistical nightmare of involving his 3 ex's in arranging my life.

Moser85 · 28/03/2023 20:31

Newusernameaug · 28/03/2023 19:48

Why different for a man or woman???

Id take it as an amber flag, it’s not ideal but I’d not judge and wait to see what sort of a parent he actually is. It’s a good sign he sees them, things are amicable and that there’s large age gaps.

Show quote history

The woman tends to have the kids living with her and does the majority of the parenting.

If a woman had 3 kids with 3 different dads, but the kids lived with their dads and she only saw them here and there then she would be judged even more harshly than the men are

CalistoNoSolo · 28/03/2023 20:52

No way, there will be drama and chaos and if he pays properly towards their upbringing, there will be financial issues too. Way too much hard work imo.

emptythelitterbox · 28/03/2023 21:02

No way.

How long have you been talking to him? Of course he's nice to you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be speaking to him.

Seems about 6 years between kids so he is due for another one soon unless he's had the snip and if he hasn't, I'd wonder why.

He'll be looking someone to parent the 2 younger ones when he has them.

Original poster
whattodoeek · 28/03/2023 21:12

@emptythelitterbox the thought of parenting two other children on top of my own is terrifying!!! Shock

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 28/03/2023 21:13

Nope. If he can't be bothered with contraception, that's a hard turn off.

YouJustDoYou · 28/03/2023 21:13

emptythelitterbox · 28/03/2023 21:02

No way.

How long have you been talking to him? Of course he's nice to you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be speaking to him.

Seems about 6 years between kids so he is due for another one soon unless he's had the snip and if he hasn't, I'd wonder why.

He'll be looking someone to parent the 2 younger ones when he has them.

Oh god, shudder at the looking for another mum. He so is.

Ginger1982 · 28/03/2023 21:16

Clymene · 28/03/2023 19:31

He doesn't use contraception
He leaves his children
He hasn't been able to make relationships work with 3 different women, despite there being kids involved.

I'd steer well clear

Not the same as a woman who has children with different dads.

Well you could argue the same for women except the leaving bit. 3 kids with 3 different men isn't much better.

Snugglemonkey · 28/03/2023 21:24

aslkde · 28/03/2023 20:28

It would be a no from me.
Regardless of what this potentially says about him, I wouldn't want the logistical nightmare of involving his 3 ex's in arranging my life.

This would make me cautious too.

Unananana · 28/03/2023 21:27

So he had nothing in common with one of them but she was good enough to impregnate?

Sounds like a johnny-dodger. No thanks!