Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3 children/3 mums OLD

37 replies

whattodoeek · 28/03/2023 19:23

Hey
Hoping for some advice... I've name changed because I'm a frequent poster on MN and my other posts are outing.
Following the breakdown of my marriage last year I have just started dipping my toe into the online dating world (what a bloody place!!) haven't met anyone yet as I haven't felt like anyone has sparked my interest enough!

I have been talking to a guy and he seems really nice, seems like someone I could really get along with. He's suggested meeting and I am up for it....

However he has 3 children with 3 different women. The ages are 17,11 and 6 He explained the various scenarios for how they all came to be. First was with a childhood sweetheart, second was a short term relationship and 3rd another long term relationship which didn't work out. He says he sees all children and everything on the surface seems amicable, but who knows and I'm well aware from my own experience of my DH how men can spin a story!

For reference I have two young children of my own and have no desire to have more children for various reasons though I do expect most men I meet in my age bracket are likely to have their own.

I'm just wondering if this is a red flag? Sorry to sound naive, I was with DH for over 12 years so dating with children is all very new to me and I'm not sure what to expect?

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 28/03/2023 21:29

It just sounds like hard work tbh

IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 21:30

It would put me off him but there are women who come from families where it is is very common to have more children with 3 or more men/women and for them it might be normal and understandable.
He just wouldn't align with my values around family, commitment, sex, rushes into things, maybe doesn't care to practice safe sex.. it's unattractive seems impulsive, thoughtless and irresponsible approach to procreation and relationships.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 28/03/2023 21:32

My exh had 2 exes with his dc. It was horrific.
Ime your relationship will be way down his list of priorities..
Obviously his dc should be important don't get me wrong...
But they will kept sweet long before you are op.
Best bit of throwing him out was being free of the drama they both seemed to thrive off.

Original poster
whattodoeek · 28/03/2023 22:08

Thanks all, I really appreciate some insight and experiences of lived experiences. I'm aware that I'm newly single and new to this whole dating era.

I'll dodge this one for now. Last thing I need is drama.

OP posts:
mybeautifuloak · 28/03/2023 22:56

Clymene · 28/03/2023 19:31

He doesn't use contraception
He leaves his children
He hasn't been able to make relationships work with 3 different women, despite there being kids involved.

I'd steer well clear

Not the same as a woman who has children with different dads.

Huh? Why is is not the same as a woman with 3 dc with 3 different dudes?

mybeautifuloak · 28/03/2023 22:58

@HealthyFats It’s different IMO because mums tend not to leave their kids. If a woman did this- three times swanned off leaving the man holding the baby- it would be the same but that’s vanishingly rare.
But you could ask why a woman keeps having dc with men she is not stable with

altmember · 28/03/2023 23:05

It would only be an issue if you were thinking of having any more kids in the future. Since you're not then I don't see the issue. Maybe he's blase with contraception, but that's a joint responsbility, so you will be wanting to be careful there (with any man).

platanenweg · 28/03/2023 23:14

I would see if he refers to any of them as abusive, controlling or 'crazy'. If he has a good relationship with them too and he's paying his way, seeing the children regularly, then there's a small chance I would consider it but you would have to be with him quite some time to find that out, so it's a tough one.

Moser85 · 29/03/2023 00:16

mybeautifuloak · 28/03/2023 22:58

@HealthyFats It’s different IMO because mums tend not to leave their kids. If a woman did this- three times swanned off leaving the man holding the baby- it would be the same but that’s vanishingly rare.
But you could ask why a woman keeps having dc with men she is not stable with

Plenty do ask that, and plenty of men would choose not to date women with 3 kids by 3 different dads either.

It's still very different though when it's the man. If I was a man and had a failed relationship and was only seeing my child EOW or so then I would be extremely cautious about bringing more into the world.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/03/2023 09:10

Said that the 3rd relationship didn't work because she wanted to go out partying all the time.

So he was happy to leave his tiny child with a woman who goes out drinking and/or taking drugs "all the time" but he only has that child the bare minimum of 2 overnights in fortnight? Nahhhhh.

Original poster
whattodoeek · 29/03/2023 13:19

Funny you say that @EvenMoreFuriousVexation because my STBXH told his first new girlfriend I was completely unhinged and had severe mental health issues...

I had PND exacerbated by his lack of support and infidelities.

When I questioned if that was the case, why did he run out, move away and leave me to care for two young babies and not bother to visit them for weeks on end she was totally stumped and eventually dumped him.

OP posts:
WildAloofRebel · 29/03/2023 13:26

For me it’s a no. I wouldn’t want to deal with 3 extra kids, or have my kids have 3 extra kids in their lives, and that’s regardless how many mums are involved.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page