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Original poster

Is this flirting? I'm so out of touch

29 replies

OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:07

Until recently, I was in a very long-term relationship which meant I lost the art of flirting and/or detecting flirting, both of which I used to be absolutely world-class at.

I go to a fitness class. It's a small class - 5 women plus instructor - so we know each other quite well. The instructor is always very complimentary to me. But that's because I work really hard, I've made really good progress and there's a running joke that my life's a mess (its not really) so kind words are welcome!

A few weeks ago at the pub, one of the women made an off-hand comment about my stonewalling the instructor's flirting. It was part of a different conversation so I didn't ask what she meant. I'd never thought the instructor was flirting before. It hadn't even occurred to me.

Last week, I spotted in the mirror the same woman and another woman exchange a kind of 'knowing' look between them as the instructor helped me with weights. I didn't think too much of it.

Last night, we were all joking about body goals. I said something like "I'm quite happy. If I could just get my abs to pop. And tone my arms. And lose my fat arse. And get rid of my squishy hips. So not happy at all then, LOL". The instructor replied "No, you're perfect". Until that point, we'd all been joking. His tone wasn't very jokey. It went quiet and was a bit awkward.

I'm now wondering if the instructor has actually been flirting with me for a while and I just haven't noticed because I'm so out of practice. Would you interpret this as flirting? I guess you can't know without being there, sorry.

I'm a bit scrambled. I was in an LTR for ages and only recently started to get my head around being single and all that entails.

OP posts:
Huhsaywhat · 28/03/2023 14:11

Not sure if it’s flirting but sounds pretty creepy to me. Surely he realises you’re paying for his instruction not for him perve on you 🤢

Undecidedandtorn · 28/03/2023 14:13

Well do you want it to be?

winterbegone · 28/03/2023 14:14

I wouldn't see it as flirting, PTs are normally very friendly, you wouldn't pay a miserable or boring one? they need to be enthusiastic and that keeps you feeling great about yourself. Even if he did fancy you, I'd doubt he would make a move professionally.

Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2023 14:18

Tbh if he was flirting and you weren't ever reciprocal then...I agree its creepy.

Fair enough if he gave it a cheeky attempt or two. But you've shown him no interest whatsoever and apparently he's been so blatant that everyone else has noticed?!?

If you've made jokes that imply you may have low self esteem too...you have to be careful of predatory men. Who may think there's basis in your humour.

I know the impulse may be to feel flattered. But you pay this guy to do a job and he's acting wholey unprofessional it seems. Perhaps because he thinks you're an easy target.

Be careful.
I wouldn't even advise flirting back if you fancy him. There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2023 14:20

Ps: it may be the others are just joking as you're the class favorite though. Just be on your guard.

Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:20

I've never gotten creepy vibes before. At all. And I don't give men the benefit of the doubt very readily 😂

Nothing has ever landed as creepy before. Or flirty.

@Undecidedandtorn That's partly was has me scrambled. Being in an LTR for so long made me completely oblivious to other men or their wants or whether I might fancy them. So that kind of became my default position. It's hard to break out of that mindset.

@winterbegone Absolutely. This is partly why I never picked up on flirting. But now I'm thinking about a few things he's said over time and wondering it was actually flirting. He's lovely with us all but a lot more complimentary with me than the others who attend. But I work hardest so IDK.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:22

Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2023 14:18

Tbh if he was flirting and you weren't ever reciprocal then...I agree its creepy.

Fair enough if he gave it a cheeky attempt or two. But you've shown him no interest whatsoever and apparently he's been so blatant that everyone else has noticed?!?

If you've made jokes that imply you may have low self esteem too...you have to be careful of predatory men. Who may think there's basis in your humour.

I know the impulse may be to feel flattered. But you pay this guy to do a job and he's acting wholey unprofessional it seems. Perhaps because he thinks you're an easy target.

Be careful.
I wouldn't even advise flirting back if you fancy him. There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

I haven't implied low self-esteem at all. I don't think he's seeing me as an easy target at all. I'm absolutely not 😂

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 28/03/2023 14:28

Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2023 14:20

Ps: it may be the others are just joking as you're the class favorite though. Just be on your guard.

This was my first thought

angiec89 · 28/03/2023 14:29

Honestly sounds a bit creepy to me...

IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:32

He might be flirting but I wouldn't take it seriously because you're paying him and it's in his interest to keep you a happy returning customer for your £££s.
If he fancied you he would have texted you out of the lesson, found reasons to arrange something outside or one to one and then got personal, he might have asked you out because he doesn't sound shy at all.
You also adopted this persona of being so down (messy life, unhappy with body, self critical) so he is trying to lift your spirit up and motivate you which benefits him as it means you will come back and pay or recommend him to others.

paulinesmithson · 28/03/2023 14:33

He is clearly in love with you! He may just be a bit too shy to say it to your face. Make a move and get his number 🤣🤣

paulinesmithson · 28/03/2023 14:34

angiec89 · 28/03/2023 14:29

Honestly sounds a bit creepy to me...

Stop getting her hopes down, no need to be so pessimistic. 😐

goldenotter · 28/03/2023 14:35

the question is - do you fancy him!?

IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:36

If you had walked in the gym class or whatever and he looked at you in awe and then said God you're perfect!! that would be so sexually forward but definitely flirting.
If I said to my personal trainer I'm not happy at all this is bad and that's bad he blurted out no you're perfect because he realises a good self esteem and compliments help you come back and not give up on exercise. Context is everything. What prompted him to say you're perfect was in response to a lot of negativity by you and he is there to inspire and motivate. The mental aspect is a big part of getting fit and weight change.

IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:37

paulinesmithson · 28/03/2023 14:34

Stop getting her hopes down, no need to be so pessimistic. 😐

Show quote history

😂oh my God you're terrible!

Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:37

IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:32

He might be flirting but I wouldn't take it seriously because you're paying him and it's in his interest to keep you a happy returning customer for your £££s.
If he fancied you he would have texted you out of the lesson, found reasons to arrange something outside or one to one and then got personal, he might have asked you out because he doesn't sound shy at all.
You also adopted this persona of being so down (messy life, unhappy with body, self critical) so he is trying to lift your spirit up and motivate you which benefits him as it means you will come back and pay or recommend him to others.

We have texted outside of the class but nothing flirty. It's always been about the class.

Sorry, I feel like my OP was misleading. I haven't at all adopted a persona of being down. I've shared with the class how free I feel now I'm single. The joke about my life being a mess is from several disasters that happened at work in a row, then car trouble, then on-going shenanigans with renovating my house. I was happy and cheerful throughout, just turning up to class every week with a new disaster befalling me.
And my comments about my body were all made in good humour, not seriously self-critical, hence the laughter at the end.

OP posts:
IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:39

OP if he did ask you out and you got together will you not feel jealous every time he goes out to meet a female client? What if she's a looker or looks a lot like you, his idea of perfect? Would you trust him having crossed the barrier of professionalism for you he might do it again??

Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:40

IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:36

If you had walked in the gym class or whatever and he looked at you in awe and then said God you're perfect!! that would be so sexually forward but definitely flirting.
If I said to my personal trainer I'm not happy at all this is bad and that's bad he blurted out no you're perfect because he realises a good self esteem and compliments help you come back and not give up on exercise. Context is everything. What prompted him to say you're perfect was in response to a lot of negativity by you and he is there to inspire and motivate. The mental aspect is a big part of getting fit and weight change.

Sorry, I feel like I was very misleading in my OP now. I wasn't being negative at all. It was all very good humoured and clearly not me being down on myself. I really don't think anyone would've interpreted it that way.

I hope this doesn't sound boastful but I think I have a very good body, I'm really happy with the way I look. In some ways I was worried that my comment about my abs came across that way, so I chucked in a bit of self-deprication to lighten things up 😄

OP posts:
Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:42

goldenotter · 28/03/2023 14:35

the question is - do you fancy him!?

I don't know.

I was in an LTR for many years so not looking at other men, not fancying other men, not wondering about other men kind of became my default position. Now I'm single, its hard to snap out of that. So, I'm not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:42

paulinesmithson · 28/03/2023 14:34

Stop getting her hopes down, no need to be so pessimistic. 😐

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
goldenotter · 28/03/2023 14:43

I guess if you don't know if you fancy him then you probably don't! you'd know if you did.

Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:44

IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:39

OP if he did ask you out and you got together will you not feel jealous every time he goes out to meet a female client? What if she's a looker or looks a lot like you, his idea of perfect? Would you trust him having crossed the barrier of professionalism for you he might do it again??

Oh goodness, getting together seems like a very long way in the future. It's absolutely not something I'm after right now.

OP posts:
IslandMeat · 28/03/2023 14:47

OK, I think he is flirting (others noticed, the compliments, you're not bad looking) but I think it's to help his business rather than a romantic interest. It's good you're not sure if you fancy him.. it would be torture if you did and were wondering.

Original poster
OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:48

goldenotter · 28/03/2023 14:43

I guess if you don't know if you fancy him then you probably don't! you'd know if you did.

I don't know. For so many years I didn't look at or let myself have feelings towards other men so I've kind of forgotten what its like to fancy someone. So, it's not that I don't fancy him. It's more that I've forgotten how to engage my brain to tell myself "You fancy him, go forth and fuck".

Ironically, this used to be my default position as a younger woman 😳

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/03/2023 15:24

OhLawdStylo · 28/03/2023 14:22

I haven't implied low self-esteem at all. I don't think he's seeing me as an easy target at all. I'm absolutely not 😂

Show quote history
  • the running joke about your life being a mess
  • the joking about all the parts of your body you need to change.

YOU know these things are just jokes and you are perfectly OK with yourself and your life. But there are people who take self deprication as weakness. Its common for people who have victims of abuse to to be self deprecating. So it's something bad people look out for.

You know you're just joking. But be aware that people will often suspect a basis in fact.

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