Am I in the wrong?

[confused2023]

My children have recently had a parents evening. We have always ended parents evening with a meal out somewhere (sometimes McDonalds, sometimes the local pub depending on what the children want) as a 'well done'. I am divorced from their father but we still do it together as it is important to me that they see we can co-parent and spend time together once in a blue moon when it is about them.

I have been with my current partner around a year. Everything is going well (or so I thought). He has met the children, they really like him and he's great with them. After their parents evening last Autumn the boys wanted to go to McDonalds so it was me, them and their dad. I have no recollection of oh mentioning anything at all about it at the time but he would have known. This evening they asked to go the local pub so we did. I told my oh that we had been (I think I mentioned to him last week that this was likely to happen) and he is now not talking to me. I'm assuming it's because of the meal but that is just a guess as he won't tell me what I've done to upset him.

Am I wrong going out for a casual meal with my children and their dad? It was about them having a great parents evening. It was an early dinner where we were home by 6 o'clock. We drove separately. No alcohol was drunk. My thinking is that them seeing us being able to do things like this for them can only be a positive. I would understand my oh not being happy if it was just me and my ex husband going for a meal somewhere. That is something that would never happen though. Am I in the wrong for doing this? Thank you.

No, you are 100% not in the wrong and your DP needs to get over himself. He knew you were divorced, not widowed, and has to accept that your children have a father and you continue to co-parent.

I think it’s a nice thing to be able to do for your children.

I'm assuming it's because of the meal but that is just a guess as he won't tell me what I've done to upset him.

This is the actual issue. He's stonewalling you and giving you the silent treatment, which are both abusive.

I have no time for this Man child behaviour, so I'd be saying if he can't use hid big boy words and communicate like a grown up, its in the bin with him.

Treating you this way isn't OK. His behaviour is meant to make you doubt yourself, feel anxious, feel apologetic, run around after him trying to get him to talk with you and to forgive you. It's childish, manipulative and controlling behaviour. That's unhealthy. What you did was good and healthy for your family, but even if you had done something worthy of an apology his behaviour is still childish. I was with someone like this once. It's a vindictive level way of him managing his own insecurities by trying to place them on you. Don't accept them.

I massively agree that his behaviour is immature at best, abusive at worst. This will be a conversation I will be having with him once we've got to the bottom of this. I just really wanted to see if I was being unreasonable in the first place.

Thank you.

Youre not unreasonable at all. I would be glad to be with someone who can co parent so well.

If he doesn't learn to communicate (and it may be a childhood learned behaviour or it may be directly abusive) then every little perceived slight is going to spiral into stress and panic for you wondering what you've done wrong and how to make it right again. I speak from experience that its no way to live. I also speak from experience that although I was being kind about learned behaviour above, these men don't change, its always worked for them and it's easier to just find a weaker woman who doesn't have boundaries.

Don’t let this man change how you parent. You and your ex are doing a great job. If you alter your behaviour due to your current partner’s insecurities your children will suffer, as will your relationship with your ex.

I occasionally did things like this with ex. No issue at all. He's an ex fir a reason. I'd speak to your oh and be clear the silent treatment is a deal breaker for you so he better start figuring out how to use his words. It's ok for him to feel uncomfortable with it but that's something he would need to work on . It's not ok for him to tell you not to go.

Be prepared to ditch this guy - stonewalling and the silent treatment are emotionally abusive behaviours. It's the start of a controlling dynamic when someone makes life so uncomfortable when you in some way cross them that you start limiting or changing your behaviour.

Won't tell you why he's giving you the silent treatment!! That's ridiculous and horrible. That would be the end of the line for me, I want a relationship where problems are discussed and resolved with mutual respect.

P.s your parents evening co-parent tradition is lovely for all the right reasons and I'm sure the kids really value that. How fantastic that the meal is about them and their parents joint pride and that they are you uniting over their education. 😍

You’re demonstrating fantastic parenting, it’s exactly what your children should be seeing a united front from mum and dad re their efforts with school. You are absolutely not being unreasonable in any way.

What an absolute arse your partner is having a tantrum over this. It is abusive and it is stonewalling and he needs to bloody grow up!

Big red flag op
Don’t put up with that

I think it's lovely that you do that together for your children.

Tell your OH to grow up or get lost.

If his behaviour is abusive, the only conversation that’s needed is ‘good-bye’

I actually encouraged my ex early on in our relationship to stay in the ex family home with his ex wife on Christmas Eve (spare room obviously) so the kids could all wake up to both parents and open presents etc. I knew without a doubt there was zero chemistry between him and his ex wife but wanted them to get on for the children's sake. You need a mature man who trusts and supports you, not some sulky man child who throws strops like this. It will only escalate.

Of course you are not in the wrong for doing this. It’s a lovely and very grown up thing to do. The very opposite to your partner’s reaction to it in fact.

personally I'd include my OH if he wanted to come, ie invite him then it's his choice if he wants to meet us all at the pub or not.

He is massively in the wrong, firstly for being cross about a harmless thing but even more so for not speaking to you when he's cross. The second thing is the one that would be the deal breaker for me. I can't stand sulkers.

I understand how that could be an option sometimes and would be something I'd have no issue with but it genuinely wasn't on this occasion.

I think it’s great that you and your ex are civil. I wish my ex would dare do things with his children without his new partner, but hey ho.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
Your current partner sounds childish and controlling. I agree with everyone else.

This is terrible advice, it would change the whole dynamics of the evening. This is about the children and thier achievements at school not trying to make a manchild happy. Your partner sounds a complete arse and this would definitely end the relationship for me.

Absolutely not. He’s not their father. You shouldn’t bring him along to appease his tantrum.

This is about the children not him.

Get rid of this immature, insecure, competitive, un empathetic asshole now.

No!

This evening is for the kids, not to appease an unrelated adult.

You've only been together a year (and i assume not living together). No way does he get to have an opinion on any aspect of your parenting. Tell him to fuck off.