We haven’t had sex in 2 years

Greensleevevssnotnose · 27/03/2023 16:32

Three years here, so I have no advice for you.

Watchkeys · 27/03/2023 17:36

Do the two of you talk about it? How do the conversations feel? Or, if you don't, what is it that stops you?

Spottycarousel · 27/03/2023 17:40

Does your husband know that the marriage at risk if things don't change? If he doesn't, do you think that would make any difference?

I would say the very first thing to be doing is speaking to him about how difficult this is for you. If he really doesn't want to engage in improving matters then unfortunately that's not looking good. Marriage takes compromise and sex is part of that.

StarlightLady · 27/03/2023 18:06

I would struggle with 2 weeks and I'm in my 40s. I'd be crawling up the wall. There is only so much you can depend on technology. You want the warmth, the closeness and the assurance that you are turning someone else on.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

ArcticSkewer · 27/03/2023 18:10

What do you want to do about it?

If you are great co-parents, could you focus on that til the kids are older, or do you want to leave and find someone else while young? Or leave and just date? Can you afford to leave? Would you consider an open marriage? An affair?

If you were never well suited sexually that probably won't improve but do you want to try? Counselling might help.

PermanentTemporary · 27/03/2023 18:16

Just a question about his health- could he possibly be developing diabetes? That wouldn't help his erection or his libido. Has he seen his GP?

It does sound as if his libido is not very high anyway, and as you say, what libido he has is in a different place from yours. And it does sound like crunch time. Given that there is love and affection, I would ask him if he would consider couples therapy (with a therapist who has expertise in sex therapy too). If he won't... well, I personally don't see anything very wrong with a sexual connection outside the marriage if the sex has died, but it has huge risks and quite a lot of limits - if what you're looking for is passionate intimacy, you can't really afford to have that with an affair partner.

Tigp · 27/03/2023 18:31

What made you think he would change if he has always been a missionary in bed type? Was that not evident ?

it won’t change so you have to make the decision.

Personally, before you throw away the family unit when your kids are so young, you should both try to work together to try to resolve this.

unicornjewels · 27/03/2023 18:36

This is word for word what I could have written. No advice as exactly the same on every single detail, but didn't want to not reply and say I hope it gets better!! For us both!

KnitFastDieWarm · 27/03/2023 18:39

This was me two years ago. I left (for this reason, among others) and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I won’t say it was easy but it was absolutely worth it.

ExH left me feeling ugly, anxious, gaslit, and miserable. Now have a DP who values me, respects me, thinks I’m sex on legs and demonstrates that to me that every single day. Don’t settle for less - life isn’t a dress rehearsal.

Poorlittlepoorgirl · 27/03/2023 19:18

Cheat and get it elsewhere in a way he won’t find out about. Good luck x

notthisagainforest · 27/03/2023 20:03

You arnt compatible If your sex life is rubbish before kids it will most definitely be worse after kids

Original poster

Roo747373 · 27/03/2023 22:17

We have spoken about it and he’s open to couples counselling / sex therapy so think we need to try that / exhaust all options before giving in. He acknowledges that it’s a real problem and he’s not happy with it either due to the lack of closeness but he doesn’t feel much desire for sex in general.

with the incompatibility…I always hoped that we maybe were a bit more compatible but that he was just having trouble opening up sexually. He’s very closed off sexually and I think he prefers the same position because he doesn’t feel confident doing others rather than lack of interest but I’ve never been able to improve things..I stayed because I thought and hoped there was potential to improve things there.

i do wonder if he has some health issues as he’s a bit overweight but not hugely and when we did have sex he would get tired very easily and sometimes just give up out of tiredness which wasn’t very nice really as just seemed like he wasn’t into it and couldn’t be bothered. He would also not hold himself up properly during missionary so I just felt a bit squashed as he’s very tall and I’m tiny ….the thought of it just doesn’t appeal at all and not sure how to get passed that. I think because it’s been so long now it’s built up in my head too and I feel nervous

OP posts:

whistledowntheway · 27/03/2023 22:20

Roo747373 · 27/03/2023 16:30

Me and my husband haven’t had sex in 2 years…for some context we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Husband didn’t like having sex during pregnancy at all and we haven’t done anything since my second was born.

Some of this is normal exhaustion / lack of time with 2 young kids but not all…I think we are probably quite sexually incompatible even before babies and I always hoped he would ‘warm up’ and he never did. It used to be that he didn’t want it and now I don’t want it either (with him). I love him and we’re great team as parents but I don’t feel any sexual attraction at all anymore and have a feeling he thinks the same (although says he does find me attractive he just has no sex drive).

I’ve tried to make an effort and lost all the weight and keep fit but his diet is unhealthy and I think that makes his energy levels very low as he eats lots of sweets then crashes…but really I think we’re incompatible and both see sex as a chore because it’s not fun. Feel so low about it as I know we can’t sustain the marriage without things improving and I really don’t want us to split up but can’t see a solution.

in terms of the incompatibilities- I like passionate, sometimes a bit rough sex and novelty (e.g different places or positions etc). My husband just likes doing it in the same place (bed) same position (missionary) and right now he doesn’t even want to do that. I find it so boring and he doesn’t even like my favourite position so it feels hopeless as we just don’t like the same things and he will do things if I ask but I don’t want to force him when it’s obvious he doesn’t enjoy it of course…

has anyone managed to improve a situation like this? We’re very good together otherwise it seems a waste but I miss having sex and intimacy and feel quite lonely in terms of romance

I could have written this word for word about my own relationship, so you're not alone. Following with interest

Opentooffers · 27/03/2023 23:47

Amazing how people end up in relationships and married to people who were rubbish and/or selfish in bed from the start, and think it will get better. If it's not the best to begin with, it's not likely to ever improve, especially after DCs.
Stopping sex half way through claiming to be tired is a sure path to the ick. Don't know how to come back from that, it would put most right off.

CambsAlways · 27/03/2023 23:55

Sounds like could be health probs if he suddenly gives up half way due to tiredness. Something not right at all here

Tarantellah · 28/03/2023 00:12

I don’t have any sex life either. It’s been years. I just don’t fancy him, he’s too submissive and I’m attracted to dominant men. He pretended for a while at the start, but by the time we were married with kids the truth came out, and that was the end for me. Even if he pretends to be dominant now, I know he’s just pretending.

I haven’t left because I wouldn’t find anyone else anyway, so I’m not missing out by staying. I’m a fat middle aged mum with autism and autoimmune problems, no money, no career because it went down the toilet with kids, nerve damage and scarring on my stomach from a difficult birth, two different size breasts after breastfeeding. Attractive men aren’t exactly lining up to pork me! If I thought I could find someone else I’d leave, but frankly I’m not desirable, so I’d be leaving for nothing.

PermanentTemporary · 28/03/2023 05:54

Sounds as if he desperately needs to develop an exercise regime! Very tricky with small children of course. I was motivated to go to the gym for a while so that I could do more interesting sex... but if he hasn't got that motivation that's difficult. Being fit and strong really helps your libido though.

ShandaLear · 28/03/2023 06:32

Word for word this was me except we went for 6 years without sex - well I did. Turned out he was shagging men. He lives with his boyfriend now.

MayhemMostly · 28/03/2023 06:54

Almost the same here as @ShandaLear except mine preferred his butch men dressed as women . Didn't do much for my confidence.

Have you ever snooped on him ? It's not something I'd suggest unless you are prepared to deal with consequences.

KnitFastDieWarm · 28/03/2023 08:55

I’m a fat middle aged mum with autism and autoimmune problems, no money, no career because it went down the toilet with kids, nerve damage and scarring on my stomach from a difficult birth, two different size breasts after breastfeeding. Attractive men aren’t exactly lining up to pork me! If I thought I could find someone else I’d leave, but frankly I’m not desirable, so I’d be leaving for nothing.

@Tarantellah I’m also a fat middle aged mum with autism and a post-csection stomach, and DP thinks i’m the bee’s knees (if anything, he actively prefers curvier women). I was happily single for a year after leaving exH and one important thing i learned from my various hookups and dalliances in that time was that the spectrum of what people find attractive is FAR broader than the media would suggest. You deserve to feel beautiful, desired, and sexually satisfied- don’t settle for less than you deserve

NoDatingForOldMen · 28/03/2023 09:00

Roo747373 · 27/03/2023 22:17

We have spoken about it and he’s open to couples counselling / sex therapy so think we need to try that / exhaust all options before giving in. He acknowledges that it’s a real problem and he’s not happy with it either due to the lack of closeness but he doesn’t feel much desire for sex in general.

with the incompatibility…I always hoped that we maybe were a bit more compatible but that he was just having trouble opening up sexually. He’s very closed off sexually and I think he prefers the same position because he doesn’t feel confident doing others rather than lack of interest but I’ve never been able to improve things..I stayed because I thought and hoped there was potential to improve things there.

i do wonder if he has some health issues as he’s a bit overweight but not hugely and when we did have sex he would get tired very easily and sometimes just give up out of tiredness which wasn’t very nice really as just seemed like he wasn’t into it and couldn’t be bothered. He would also not hold himself up properly during missionary so I just felt a bit squashed as he’s very tall and I’m tiny ….the thought of it just doesn’t appeal at all and not sure how to get passed that. I think because it’s been so long now it’s built up in my head too and I feel nervous

Try and tackle the weight and fitness 1st, I,m 53, (M) lost 2 stone last year, stooped drinking started cycling again ( not Lycra), mentally and physically much better for it , he probably needs a physical revamp

jennyfromtheshop · 28/03/2023 09:17

I can sympathise with this. Dh and I do have sex fairly regularly (maybe once or twice a month) but it always has to be pre planned and it's the same thing every time. He takes viagra which obviously means there has to be some element of forward thinking but I really miss spontaneity.

We've been married 2 years, together 5 and sex still feels awkward somehow. I think like your dh he's never really opened up and still feels a bit closed off sexually.

It's all very well posters saying 'why marry someone you aren't compatible with' but lots of the time these issues don't fully become clear until you're married or very much involved and it's hard to get out. I think lots of relationships having teething problems with sex and you often think they can improve them with time and familiarity. By the time you realise this is just how they are it's very difficult to leave. And it does feel shallow and selfish to break up a family over sex.

I agree though, its shit and quite soul destroying.

StarlightLady · 28/03/2023 09:52

@jennyfromtheshop - You regard once or twice a month as fairly regularly???????????????????

I am clearly living on another planet.

jennyfromtheshop · 28/03/2023 10:43

StarlightLady · 28/03/2023 09:52

@jennyfromtheshop - You regard once or twice a month as fairly regularly???????????????????

I am clearly living on another planet.

Well it's more regular than some of the other posters on this thread who have gone years without it. That was the point.

Do you have anything useful to add or are you just trying to rub it in?

Always4Brenner · 28/03/2023 10:49

For the first eight years of my marriage I battled this in the end I gave up, he just wasn’t that bothered meds health was the excuse. But even in the very early days he wasn’t that fussed it took a week to consummate the marriage. By the time I had my own coil issues I wasn’t interested. Now question is can you live like this for ever. I’m single now decided no more men not worth the hassle I’m getting older so body is not brilliant. I’ve never had brilliant sex and never will now. But that’s life.