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Original poster

We haven’t had sex in 2 years

49 replies

Roo747373 · 27/03/2023 16:30

Me and my husband haven’t had sex in 2 years…for some context we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Husband didn’t like having sex during pregnancy at all and we haven’t done anything since my second was born.

Some of this is normal exhaustion / lack of time with 2 young kids but not all…I think we are probably quite sexually incompatible even before babies and I always hoped he would ‘warm up’ and he never did. It used to be that he didn’t want it and now I don’t want it either (with him). I love him and we’re great team as parents but I don’t feel any sexual attraction at all anymore and have a feeling he thinks the same (although says he does find me attractive he just has no sex drive).

I’ve tried to make an effort and lost all the weight and keep fit but his diet is unhealthy and I think that makes his energy levels very low as he eats lots of sweets then crashes…but really I think we’re incompatible and both see sex as a chore because it’s not fun. Feel so low about it as I know we can’t sustain the marriage without things improving and I really don’t want us to split up but can’t see a solution.

in terms of the incompatibilities- I like passionate, sometimes a bit rough sex and novelty (e.g different places or positions etc). My husband just likes doing it in the same place (bed) same position (missionary) and right now he doesn’t even want to do that. I find it so boring and he doesn’t even like my favourite position so it feels hopeless as we just don’t like the same things and he will do things if I ask but I don’t want to force him when it’s obvious he doesn’t enjoy it of course…

has anyone managed to improve a situation like this? We’re very good together otherwise it seems a waste but I miss having sex and intimacy and feel quite lonely in terms of romance

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 28/03/2023 10:57

I'm late 40s, fat and divorced DH due to awful soul destroyingly bad sex and making me feel so unattractive.

Now found a partner who shags me as often as he can, and I'm like horny teenager as well as him being a supportive and wonderful partner. Its amazing.

Never settle, never feel like you don't deserve to be desired or have amazing sex

roarfeckingroarr · 28/03/2023 11:02

Very similar situation here, with very little physical affection either.

I think we'll separate later this year as friends and try to co-parent in a very friendly, united way. It's going to be hard but otherwise resentment will build further and we'll lose the good bits too.

roarfeckingroarr · 28/03/2023 11:04

Where did everyone meet their new wonderful partners?

emptythelitterbox · 28/03/2023 11:13

I think you know this marriage is done. It's just a matter of when you pull the plug on it.

How are you finances and job prospects?

ChangeOfName22 · 28/03/2023 11:15

Also wondering where people managed to meet there new partners.. especially in late 40's..!

ChangeOfName22 · 28/03/2023 11:15

*their

Netcam · 28/03/2023 12:19

KnitFastDieWarm · 28/03/2023 08:55

I’m a fat middle aged mum with autism and autoimmune problems, no money, no career because it went down the toilet with kids, nerve damage and scarring on my stomach from a difficult birth, two different size breasts after breastfeeding. Attractive men aren’t exactly lining up to pork me! If I thought I could find someone else I’d leave, but frankly I’m not desirable, so I’d be leaving for nothing.

@Tarantellah I’m also a fat middle aged mum with autism and a post-csection stomach, and DP thinks i’m the bee’s knees (if anything, he actively prefers curvier women). I was happily single for a year after leaving exH and one important thing i learned from my various hookups and dalliances in that time was that the spectrum of what people find attractive is FAR broader than the media would suggest. You deserve to feel beautiful, desired, and sexually satisfied- don’t settle for less than you deserve

Quite agree. I wasn't fat but had lost confidence and was unsure if anyone would be interested in me. I was 42, no money, lost my career, 2 kids age 4 and 7. I left. I think I could have counted the number of times my ex and I had sex during our 8 year marriage on my fingers. I met the love of my life soon after leaving him and we got married in October last year. Although I'm a bit curvier than I was then, slightly greying and post menopausal, 11 years into our relationship he still shows me he loves me and is attracted to me every day and we have a good sex life. It can be different and there are all sorts of people out there.

YukoandHiro · 28/03/2023 12:21

I would say this is totally from YOU with kids of this age who are still so physically demanding of your body and time and recent births that your body is healing from. But it's a bit concerning that he seems to have switched off altogether too. He doesn't have the same hormonal repression of sex drive that you have going on right now.
How often did you have sex before kids? Has he always had a low sex drive?

Netcam · 28/03/2023 12:22

Oopsiedaisyy · 28/03/2023 10:57

I'm late 40s, fat and divorced DH due to awful soul destroyingly bad sex and making me feel so unattractive.

Now found a partner who shags me as often as he can, and I'm like horny teenager as well as him being a supportive and wonderful partner. Its amazing.

Never settle, never feel like you don't deserve to be desired or have amazing sex

Exactly

Netcam · 28/03/2023 12:23

@ChangeOfName22 and @roarfeckingroarr, it was match.com for us.

YukoandHiro · 28/03/2023 12:25

What @ShandaLear said did cross my mind....

WagyuBeef · 28/03/2023 12:28

Standard MN advice is that if you're female get an FWB, if you're male you can just wank.

NoDatingForOldMen · 28/03/2023 12:32

StarlightLady · 28/03/2023 09:52

@jennyfromtheshop - You regard once or twice a month as fairly regularly???????????????????

I am clearly living on another planet.

I think lots of people, unfortunately, have a lot less sex the you enjoy, including me, none this year ☹️

Amanita4 · 28/03/2023 12:37

I buried my head in the sand about the same issue for 8 years of unwanted celibacy. I left him when I found out he did in fact have a sex drive, he just preferred to be intimate with the PC rather than me.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/03/2023 12:53

All the therapy in the world won't change him. What you see is what you get, and sadly, you've known this from the beginning. I fear your resentment is going to build to unsustainable levels, and by that time, a lot of damage will be done. You'll be a shell of your former self. Don't raise your kids in an environment where their mother is so unhappy and unsatisfied. The best gift you'll ever give your kids is growing up with a happy mum.

emptythelitterbox · 28/03/2023 14:49

I think it's fairly easy to find someone depending on your standards.

If you enjoy domestic things that most men expect, even easier.

I'm a lost cause as I hate cooking for and cleaning up after anyone.

StarlightLady · 28/03/2023 16:58

@jennyfromtheshop - I did contribute earlier too if you look upthread and I hope that contribution was useful. I am sorry, very sorry if I caused you offence and I apologise but I do not think it is helpful for the OP to consider that twice a month is regular either.

Micky1254 · 19/12/2023 07:33

Hi,
I think staying with your husband when you don’t fancy him is cold and callous just because he isn’t dominant! Let him go and find someone who will want him as you are wasting every day of this man’s life!

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/12/2023 16:49

Micky1254 · 19/12/2023 07:33

Hi,
I think staying with your husband when you don’t fancy him is cold and callous just because he isn’t dominant! Let him go and find someone who will want him as you are wasting every day of this man’s life!

Zombie thread.

Netcam · 20/12/2023 23:26

KnitFastDieWarm · 27/03/2023 18:39

This was me two years ago. I left (for this reason, among others) and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I won’t say it was easy but it was absolutely worth it.

ExH left me feeling ugly, anxious, gaslit, and miserable. Now have a DP who values me, respects me, thinks I’m sex on legs and demonstrates that to me that every single day. Don’t settle for less - life isn’t a dress rehearsal.

Glad you found happiness. Same for me, much happier this time round on second marriage.

Disturbia81 · 20/12/2023 23:35

And this is why it needs to be more all known that so many men don't want sex.

Chattycatt · 15/12/2025 11:41

What happened here in the end?!

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 15/12/2025 11:45

I couldn't live without sex for that long

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